Desiring A Promise

Since I was 13 I have had a pact with God to stay pure my entire life. To the best of my ability, I have kept that promise the whole time. Of course, the world can subject you to things you wouldn't subject yourself to. But when you keep your mind on Christ and your eyes and heart off of what is evil, you are good to go.

God told me a couple years ago that He was going to bless me more than I could imagine and bring me all of the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness. The beginning of a new year means a little more to me this go round. I have this feeling deep inside that some of those desires I have, those promises yet fulfilled, will be available to me starting next year (1 and a half hours from where I am right now, to be exact). I can hardly wait...literally. I feel like a new chapter is about to be unfolded. The new year comes in, and then my birthday only a few days after. Excitement for all things new is present in my heart.

The Holiday Season

It's a happy day. I was able, through many miracles, to come home for Christmas and New Years this year. It's tough when you're out at school, half way across the country, unable to see the people you've been in close relationship with your entire life. But I'm here. Visiting old traditions has been my favorite. Sipping hot cocoa, watching It's A Wonderful Life (which gives me new revelation every time), doing advent, reading christmas books, decorating, etc. It's all so wonderful and bright and beautiful.

Today I am so thankful for my family. I'm glad to be home with them for this season. If you are unable to get home for Christmas, just remember, even when you think you're alone - you're not.

A Familiar Spirit

Fear and worry have gripped me several times. Since coming to Bethel, I have had these things broken off of me, and been free of them. Recently, they've been coming back. I find it easy to fall into the same habits when I don't guard my mind and present myself before the Lord daily. I know that worrying doesn't make anything better, but deep inside I feel bad for being happy when I have so many things going wrong in my life.

Money, for example, is a huge deal. I've never had to keep up with my finances like this before. I paid rent to my parents, but never like this. I have never had to worry about whether I would have enough for my next payment on tuition, or whether I would be able to pay for my rent. I've never had to worry about having a job or not having a job. But now - it's all changed. Everything was dumped on my plate when I left home. In the back of my mind I think, "why isn't God blessing me so abundantly when I've obeyed Him and left home to seek His face?" But God is blessing me. I just can't see the full harvest quite yet.

I need to trust. God has a prefect plan. And although the numbers say I owe a LOT of money, God says "I got your back, little one. Stay with Me." So, that's what I gotta do.

The Love Dare

I dare you to act out of love. Treat people as if they were pure gold; as if they really meant the world to you. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13.

We should show one another our love. Not just assume they know. Lay your life down for people. Be a lover. Be an encourager. When you don't feel like loving someone, do it anyway. Lay your wants down - and show them they are still loved.

Losing Everything - Gaining Everything

I've lost more in the last 4 months than I have in my entire life. But I've gained so much more as well. My life has consisted of doing the normal routine everyday. I broke free from that to move to California and give everything I had to Papa. But it seems I've lost so much that I had. I know I can trust Jesus with my everything...but it's hard. It's especially hard to be away from the ones you love when you and them are going through your hardest trials yet. I have never had to suffer through the loss of a loved one until a year ago. And now it seems I've lost many in the past 3 months.

People mean so much to me. Even if I don't know them, I cry for them. The other day my mom called to tell me that my aunts mother died. She was a grandma to us. I didn't cry. I didn't even feel sadness. Until today. It came like a flood, overwhelming me inside. Losing something so precious as a life...it's hard. But I know - I know God will take care of my loved ones. He's holding their hands when I can't be there for them. He's leading them to a better place. Trials are hard to face. And I've certainly had plenty in the last 4 months. But God is holding my hand, too. He's telling me it will be okay. I can cry. I can feel sadness for people. It's okay. He said, "just don't pull away from Me." So I don't intend to. I'll stay beside Him, even now, when I've lost another loved one. Because, I know, we'll all be together in the end.

I feel like that picture above. It's raining, and I can choose to retreat inside and put up my walls to protect me. Or I can take my walls down, get my umbrella out, and walk in the rain. Who knows, it could even turn into dancing. I have to work through the pain, not run away from it. And I can't shut out the One who always loves me - in and out of everything. I don't want Him to have to work around my walls - I want Him to have free access to my heart. And so He does. He has my heart. He knows my suffering, and out of this I will become even stronger. Out of yet another loss, I will be even closer to Him.

Even though I have lost much, and it becomes easy to dwell on that, I know I have gained much. I have become so close to my Papa's heart. I have learned to lean on Him when things get too hard. I've learned that He should never have to work around my walls. I've learned to be open, inviting, loving, sweet, and tender. I've found a new love. And it's better than anything.

In My Arms

I think I figured it out
We need to be together
Like the shore and the sea
We are not one thing
We're drawn here together
My ocean and me

I dream to hold you in my arms
I dream to hold you in my arms
To hold you in my arms
Wide awake in my arms

-Jon Foreman, In My Arms

Papa spoke to my heart last night in a dream. I haven't dreamt about marriage for several years, and was starting to wonder if it was still something I really truly wanted. I asked God before I fell asleep to speak to my heart; to share His passion for me; to show me my dreams, and His desires for me. Well He did. He showed me that He has someone specific for me. Someone special. It's no secret, I want to be a mother. He said not to worry; He would bring someone who wanted to be a father just as bad. We would be perfect for each other.

I've always wondered if marriage was a legit desire. I know that sounds stupid. But I always thought "Most people have dreams to do all this crazy stuff and here I am with a desire to be married." I have other dreams too, but one of my biggest desires is to be married and have children. Papa totally affirmed that in me last night. People were made different, to walk out different callings. He put this desire in me, and it isn't wrong. It was the best dream He could have ever given me. It showed me that I was created for him, and he was created for me. Not to worry. Not to fret. Papa would bring him to me when we were ready. So today, Jon Foreman's song was in my head. "My ocean and me".

His Name For Us

I was reading Supernatural Ways of Royalty this past week or two, and the thing that impacted me the most was when Kris was talking about our name, and how names really effect how we view things. Then today in class, I was talking with Laura (my revival group Pastor) and she led me to my secret place with Papa. I saw myself as a little girl again, and Papa put a white dress on me and twirled me around the room. He told me that He named me Sarah for a reason. There's a reason I was the first born daughter, and He gave me my name. Sarah Eve. I really am a princess, and I'm not afraid of it anymore. It makes me so happy to think that I am Papa's princess, and I can carry myself as royalty. It's comforting.

As a little girl, I hated my name. I'm not sure I ever told anyone that. But I just hated being called "Sweet Sarah", or "Sarah Bearah" or "Princess" or "Sarah Eve", etc. But now...I would give anything to be called those special names again. Papa told me He loves calling me special names. :) Sweet Sarah. I've been running from that my whole life; trying to be everything but sweet, and now it's time for me to embrace who I was created to be. It's good.

Wrap me in You.

It's always fun when God takes us to new places. New seasons. New heights. New adventures. Gives us new love, perspective, creativity, etc. I feel like opening my arms wide and saying "Just take me". Take me far, take me high, take me wide, take me in Your love.

God stands with His hands out saying "I will take you. I will take you far, take you high, take you wide, take you in My love." He just wants us to agree with what He's doing. I agree. I agree with what You're doing, Papa. Trap me in You. Wrap me in You. I am Yours.

The Season of Happiness

Papa showed me that He wants me to be joyful all the time. My circumstances should never determine my mood. The Kingdom is what should determine my mood. I'm not saying that we can't have times of mourning when things go wrong, but joy springs from a joyful heart. Life will be fuller, more exciting, and brighter if we see it through the eyes of the Kingdom.

I am learning to cultivate a joyful heart. If I choose to be happy when I would normally be sad, I am one step closer to Papa. It's much harder for me to connect with God when I let sadness overwhelm me. When I realize His love for me, I can't help but be joyful.

Beautiful Girl

I've met a lot of pretty girls. None of them compare to the beauty of the one with "heart". Have you ever seen someone who was so striking to you? They caught you off guard with their beauty? And I don't just mean physical form, either. There is such a brightness that comes with their smile, or the way they speak, or even just the way they carry themselves. Beauty becomes something greater when a girl realizes how much she is valued. She becomes a woman when she knows she is loved.

I have a dear friend who I have been more than honored to watch grow over the last 2 years. She has become something wonderful, or rather, has seen that she has been something wonderful all along. You can tell that there is a change in her. She's just - beautiful. Special. Inviting. Encouraging. Loved. She's one of a kind, and it takes my breath away. I've been gone from her for so long that I am beginning to realize that beauty is much more absent in my life. She brings out the best. This kind of woman brings out the smile and laugh in you, the intellectual discussion, and creative expression. She's got a heart.

The woman with heart is the best woman you will ever meet. She spends so much time with her Papa that she not only knows who she is, but she knows who He is. Their hearts beat together. She is bright and with every word she speaks, she speaks from His heartbeat. This is the kind of woman we all need to know. She makes the world a better place by simply existing. I long for more of these beautiful women. I long to be one of those beautiful women. I know it's a process, and one day, hopefully, it will be achieved. Don't short circuit the process, though. Let Papa work in you - in us.

Creative Expressions

I have always been encouraged to express myself in any way I felt God wanted me to. As a child, creative expression was a big part of every day. My parents were always supportive of my endeavors. Karate, ballet, hip hop dance classes, pottery, sculpture classes, art classes, writing classes (probably the best thing I ever did, honestly), drama classes, acting (I was in the show Oliver), gymnastics, soccer, choir (for 1 year in high school), guitar lessons, photography, our exploring days, kickboxing, the weird food I made for my family when I was kid before I learned I loved cooking. There's a lot more. My parents always supported what us kids wanted to do. I learned what I enjoy and what I hate. Childhood was good. And now that I am grown, I am learning (because of some of the things I did as a child) what my heart is drawn to, and what I find beautiful.

Art, for example, I am returning to. I LOVE painting and drawing. I hated it for a while because I thought I was terrible at it. But it's not about being the best. It's about expressing myself the way I was created to. It may not be that great, or even good right now, but I enjoy it. Organizing, for some strange reason, is beautiful to me. When I organize my room, and get everything in order, it feels SO good. I love posting things on my wall; pictures, art, quotes, etc. I love decorating and organizing in my own creative way. Photography is another one. I learned that I love doing that. Writing, as well. I want to combine all the things I love one day and somehow make money off of it. :)

I love the thought that I now know what is beautiful to me. And I know how to express beauty.

Lucy

In the first few books of the Chronicles of Narnia you can see the close relationship Aslan has with Lucy. Of course He loves all of the children equally, but there seems to be something extra special about the way He goes about things with Lucy. There's an innocence about her, and a faith she holds close.

Aslan seems to look at Lucy with such adoration. She's a child. She believes in things she can not see or touch. She believes in the unbelievable. I think Aslan loves that about Lucy. Also, the way He speaks to her is special. He speaks to her with softness in his voice. Lucy is, and I think always will be, my favorite character of C.S. Lewis'. She can be so naive about the things of the world, and sometimes she doesn't understand. But that's what makes her so great. She has such a heart.

"Courage, dear heart." Is what Aslan spoke to Lucy in one of her toughest times. He recognizes the beauty of her heart, and speaks to it.

Sticking To The Plan

I'm the kind of person who always makes a plan, but has a hard time sticking to it. Then when I do stick to the plan, God comes along and changes things up. Honestly, when I'm not focused on the right things I can get frustrated. I've noticed that when I haven't been spending enough time with Papa on a daily basis, I tend to lose sight of His plans for me, and think that my plans are His.

Right now, the only thing I should worry about is whether I'm spending enough time with Him. Everything else will fall into place if that area is good to go. Every time I talk with dad on the phone I realize how wonderful it is. Because my dad has such great words of wisdom, and prophetic declarations over my life, not talking with him for days can effect the way I view things. I can lose sight of who I am. It's the same with Papa God. If I don't talk with Him on a daily basis, I lose sight of who I am and who I was created to be. I lose sight of His plans for me. I can't hear as clearly the words He speaks over my life. So - get into His presence. Listen to Him. Wait on Him. It's the best decision you'll make all day.

I Noticed You

"Careful when you open
It's easy to be broken
In the strangest fashion
You start a chain reaction
You look my way
Something's pounding away
And I wonder if I ever felt this before

All this time
It was staring me blind
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before

You are reaching for something that is beating
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
Over and again, racing out of my skin
I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before

At least it was never so obvious as now
Or never, put me back together
In the perfect fashion
Just watch my heart's reaction
This part of you is nothing that I'm used to
But I won't close my eyes cause they're on to you

All this time
It was staring me blind
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before

...The only time I ever noticed my heart

When I noticed You.."

-Noticed, by Mute Math

There's something about certain people. When you get around them you realize your heart - the things you love, the things you hate, the things you find beautiful. Certain people help you see who you are. Certain people you just...love.

Waiting

Papa has given me a lot. He blesses me every time I ask Him to. One thing I've had to get better at is waiting. He asked me today if I loved Him enough to wait for Him to come close. It sounded like a silly question to me, but then I realized my impatience with Him lately. I've been so eager to have Him come close to me, but some days no matter how much I want it, it feels like a lifetime before He shows up. Then He reminded me of my vow for my future husband. I won't go into the details, because it's mainly just for me and Papa and my future man. But the gist of it is, "I will wait. No matter how long it takes you, or how far we have to go to be together, I will wait. You are my beloved, and I am yours. I vow to be yours before we even meet. Let's wait on Papa's perfect timing." Ha.

Talk about taking a lesson from myself! My vow to my future husband should be the same with Papa God. I need to wait - no matter how long it takes, or how far I have to go to be with Him; with waiting comes something great and sweet. I have to be willing to seek Him out, even when I don't feel anything. He is my Beloved, and I am His. I vow to be His in every way before He even shows Himself. And when He does show Himself...it will be so sweet and perfect. Worth waiting for.

Letting Love Rest On Me

The last few days I have really been soaking in Papa's love. I have let Him rest His love on my shoulders. It isn't like my worries or problems or burdens - it feels light and put's my heart at rest. I feel overwhelmed with a warm affection all day. What's amazing to me, is that it feels a bit different every day. His rest, His love, feels a little different each day - a little better - a little easier to accept and ask for. I have found myself searching for Him in everything I do. Like, walking the dog. I've never loved walking the dog as much as I have these past few days. It's like, everything I do, God pours His love into it and makes it beautiful. It's so easy for me to exist; for me to talk and walk and enjoy life. Even when bills haven't been payed, or tuition and missions payments are due, I still have rest in my soul. It's so much easier to be alive.

My Heart

When I set out to write this blog, I wrote 6 paragraphs. I ended up erasing all of it. The truth is, I'm not who you think I am. No excuses. I'm just not what the world sees me as. You see someone who is not afraid to step out or use her humor in conversation. Someone who isn't afraid of being turned down, or sometimes doesn't have feelings at all. You see someone who never feels exposed, or hurt, or misused. You see someone strong who can give advice and take advice well. You see someone who isn't afraid of awkward moments, or even someone who enjoys bringing awkward moments. You see someone with an opinion on everything, who enjoys insulting people and using sarcasm to make herself feel better.

That...is not me. I'm more afraid to step out than most people I know. I'm not sure how I perfected the art of masking it so it looks like I never fear that. It's not like I fear it all the time. In the prophetic, or prayer, I very rarely fear stepping out. But in normal conversation, or intimate times with friends, I fear it most. Or should I say feared it. Papa is dealing with my fear. My fear of intimacy with people. I long, more than anything, to be married. But inside I also fear it more than anything. Being so close to someone. So close to just one person. Someone who will know all of your problems, and your flaws. The person who could potentially hurt you the most. You see, I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of showing someone I love them so much, and then them turning around and bolting. Pain is a part of life. I'm slowly learning this. But the idea of being hurt by the one person you love the most...I don't know whether I could "work through the pain". That's foreign to me. I'm used to putting on a face. Putting on that person who doesn't have a care in the world. Putting on that smile everyone says they love so much. But when it gets down to it, I just want to cry on someone's shoulder.

I want so badly to have that relationship that no man can break. That love that no man can fathom. A love so strong that the devil himself hates us for it. But I've been too afraid. That's why I always say that a man who wants my heart has to earn it. Not because I think he has to work for my love, or I think that's "the right thing to do"...it's because I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to throw myself into a relationship; love someone, and not have it returned. So I say "You have to earn it." Which is code for: "Show me you love me first, then I'll love you back." That's not even real love at all. So Papa took my fear...He took it away. I can't hide in that fear anymore. It doesn't protect me. It never really did a good job of keeping my heart, anyway. So I've returned to my Papa's lap where I can learn how to receive and how to give love again. That person I was so afraid of showing the world has no other choice but to come out of it's hiding place. Sarah Eve. The real me. The real girl I never felt I could show anyone. I feel like an open book...so vulnerable. It doesn't feel comfortable, but it feels right.

I'm in a place now where I can cry. For so long I felt I couldn't cry. It would show way too many people that soft side of me. And I learned as a child that that soft side of me never got what she wanted...that side of me was never accepted. Or so I thought. Papa was saying all the while, "come to Me." I just didn't hear Him. I was too afraid of what the world could see. So this part of me that has been hiding - it's not anymore. And if people don't love me for me...I'll be okay. Because I know Papa loves me for me. He made me. I am free to be - anything. But I'll choose to be me.

Love Is An Action

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-10 (ESV)

I just love these verses. They aren't just "the verses" you learned in sunday school when you were 5. They're life changing. Imagine what the world would be like if we loved each other. If THIS is love, how can we say I love you and then turn around and do the exact opposite? My goal is to make love in my life look like this. I want to love people. And I want to love them the right way. If this is how it should be done, then that's where my heart is set on going. This would be the ultimate wooing process. This is how Jesus takes our hearts; He slowly woos us closer to Him with REAL love - this love in 1 Corinthians. That's where I wanna be. In His heart, resting and learning to love.

Men and Motorcycles

I would like to say that I think men and motorcycles go very well together. They both improve each other greatly. I am not saying that I do not like men who don't have them, or that I don't like men who don't even like motorcycles. No worries. I still think you can be a man with or without one. However, there is something inside of me that just loves that world. The motorcycles, tattoos, metal music, competitive, head banging, skinny jeans world. I always have loved it, and I think I always will. I'm not trying to put men into categories, like, "I can't marry a man unless he is all of those things". No. Definitely not. But there's just something about it that intrigues me. I think it's rugged, manly...and beautiful. That's just the front, though.

Character goes a long way. I don't want a man with all of those things, but who, when he's alone with his buddies, is throwing the F-bomb every other word. I don't really even know if it's possible to find a man the way I envision him. Someone who is so "manly", and his character surpasses everything and everyone else. I'm not sure that really exists at all. Not to mention, shallowness. Good night! The shallowness, I've noticed, that comes with men like that is absurd. I'm not saying that ALL of them are shallow. But I've seen it several times; they want a woman who is perfect in every way. Quiet, skinny and a perfect face. If I could order a man from heaven, his character would be the first on my list. Then if there was room for more, I would add those other qualities (that I noted in the beginning) that I treasure so much. Above all, and maybe the reason I've never had a real relationship before, is that I require a lot. I require proof from him, and I give him chances to prove himself worthy. They very rarely get past the first stage. It would take a VERY special kind of guy to prove himself so well that he gets past the first stage with me.

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. Brought on by conversations with my girl friends this afternoon. We were discussing our "interests", and I thought I would shed some light on what all of our "interests" and concerns were.

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

I can be sometimes very...challenging. I won't lie. Sometimes it can be very hard to understand me from your point of view. Sometimes I can be very sarcastic (I'm still repenting daily for times I use hurtful sarcasm). Sometimes I can be the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. Sometimes I can be in your face, and sometimes I will shrink away. Sometimes I'm loud, and sometimes I'm quiet. Sometimes I joke, and sometimes I'm serious. But here is where I always stay the same; my heart. I have a heart for people. A certain compassion wells up inside of me, and I just want to cry FOR those people. They might not be able to cry, but I can certainly cry for them.

In daily life, I can be pretty fierce. But if you get me alone with someone who is pouring their heart out to me, or I hear a wrenching story...you will see me crying. No doubt. I have a tendency to carry their weight. People don't have a hard time talking to me usually, because whether I've been in their situation or not, I can understand them. If you've never seen me have a heart-to-heart with someone, you may think that that isn't a part of who I am. You may not see that compassion in me - but it is no doubt there.

Here is where the rubber meets the road: I will always love you. No matter what you do, think, or say, I will ALWAYS love you. If it is in my power, I will never leave you. I say quite often "I won't ditch you". It's true. I'm a people person. I can see and connect with what you are feeling. If I have never met you, but see what goes on in your life, I will cry for you. When I hear of someone dying, my heart goes out to them and their families. When someone I love goes through pain, it's as if it was happening to me. It's almost like their issues are my issues. It's important for me (and sometimes I forget) to always lay the burdens at my Papa's feet. It is harder than anything to carry those throughout life as if they were my own. I have to lay them down and trust God will handle it. I am letting you know this, so that when you see this side in me, it won't come as a surprise. And it won't alarm you. It's how I work. I can put aside my sense of humor and just let God use my compassion for people in that moment. I'm not being two-faced, in any way, I'm just shifting with Holy Spirit so He can do what He wants to do through me.

Victoria.

When I heard about her death it hit me. At first, I just sat there. I couldn't believe she died. I was truly believing for her healing all this time. I told myself, "Don't cry, Sarah". Even though I wasn't as involved in her life as others were, I remember her and her wonderful smile. She was beautiful. I love her. So I held it in for a time. Conveniently, I was scheduled for church service. So I went to church, tried my best to hide my sadness, and tried my hardest to put on a smile. I know myself well. If I talk about it, I will cry. There's just no getting around it. When I talk about it, I think of the person...and I can't not cry. I don't know why God gave me the heart He gave me. But it truly goes out to people. I was thinking of her, her family, her close friends. Everything was weighing on me.

My sadness wasn't hidden for long. People could tell. A good friend asked if I was okay. I wasn't going to lie. So I said no. Naturally, I ended up telling him why. He hugged me, and another friend hugged me. In that moment I wanted to break down. I wanted to sob on someones shoulder. But I still held it back. I didn't want to show my "weakness". Through those two hugs, though, it opened something up in my heart. I knew I needed to be comforted.

I went to find a seat and another good friend asked me if I was okay. I took her aside and told her what happened to Victoria. She was sorry for me, gave me a hug and asked if she could pray with me. A group of friends gathered around to pray with me. Still, I didn't cry. Trust me, I was definitely on the verge of major tears. But I still held it back. I knew if I started crying I might not be able to stop. Papa made me heart so tender; something like this just pierces me deep. So I waited. When worship started I had a hard time connecting. It seemed like every song was an invitation for me to enter into something amazing with Papa. But during the first song, I kept away. I didn't know if it was okay to do that after hearing such horrible news. I didn't know if it was okay for me to worship; or if I was even capable. My friend picked up on this, I'm sure. He came over and told me that Victoria was okay. She's in a better place, and she's happy. He told me I needed to praise God through the pain. This may be my only chance to praise God in the midst of all of this. I knew I needed to.

These lyrics were sung next:

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
-The Desert Song by Brooke Fraser

I fell a part. I sobbed uncontrollably. I knew that in everything He was still God, and He was still right there beside me. I knew my friend was right. I needed to praise Him even in my pain...especially in my pain. Papa knows what He's doing. He has a plan. So for all of worship, I poured my heart out. I cried. There were so many things going through my head, and I needed to just let go. So I did. In those moments I never felt any safer. I felt like I was being held in Papa's arms. And I felt like He was holding Victoria's family as well.

"You're Funny."

My real humor only comes out when I'm with people I trust, or people I know well. It's hard for me to be humorous with some people I don't know very well. But when I get to know someone, that side of me comes out. It blends with all the other parts. My sweetness, boldness, spiciness, and fierceness. It kind of all comes together when I show my humor. Some people don't think I'm that funny, but then others could laugh at everything I say. But, if I show that part of myself to you (truly) then you're in. You're in that circle. I now trust you. It's kind of like the key. When you start to notice my humor coming to the surface, it means I am adjusting to you, getting to know you, testing to see whether you will receive my humor or shut me down.

Humor is a big part of my day. I don't live off of it. But laughing is something I just absolutely adore. If you can make me laugh...I mean, truly laugh. Throw my head back, lean forward, hold my stomach from too much laughter, then you've got a gift (that's why Holy Spirit is so amazing to me). I love humorous moments. So if you get to that place in my heart, where I can show my humor, receive your humor, then you've gone to a whole new level. I have really only let a few people into that place, though. It would take a special kind of person to get there. But sometimes people just...go together.

To The Complicated Women

It would take a special kind of man to take on the challenge of the complicated woman. She is strong willed, witty, opinionated, emotional at times, and she knows who she is. This kind of woman recognizes the voice of God and walks in power. This kind of woman doesn't need a man who just wants someone who is "easy to handle", because this woman is not easy to handle. I have noticed that this kind of woman often feels as though no man could ever be up to the challenge. She is nice and sweet, but she is fiery and vicious at times as well. When you provoke her wrath, you may end up in a heap. It takes a special, strong kind of man to love this woman. But when he loves her, he is taken aback. He falls so far that there is no recovery. This man knows that loving this woman isn't easy. It's messy and at times unsafe. But he knows loving her is better than not loving her. She loves deeply, and feels deeply. Her heart is like gold - pure and wholesome. She knows the meaning of love and passion.

This woman is hot and then she's cold. Up and down, side to side. But once you know her heart, you know her well. The man who loves this woman lives to see her smile. He has the heart of a Warrior Poet - knowing what it means to treat her right. He knows her presence in the room changes the atmosphere. He doesn't feel small when he's with her, even though she is powerful. He feels big and strong, because he knows that he is her protector. He is her man. She compliments him on his worthiness, strength, and passion. She loves how protective he is, and knows that he keeps her heart safe. This woman appreciates his humor and loves when he makes her smile. Together they are unstoppable. The world can not contain them. They live from heaven, and move in God and with God to see the earth changed for His glory. A match made in heaven.

I dedicate this blog to Alec. You are beautiful, unstoppable, and worthy of being pursued. You hold us captive by your strength. You are complicated. You are wonderful. Your heart is gold. I love you.

Both Worlds

Growing up, tomboy is just what I did. I climbed trees, didn't care about my hair or face, or what I wore. I couldn't care less of what you thought of me. As I grew older I began to wish I was one of those cute little girls who let her mommy dress her up for sunday in a cute pink dress. Or a little girl who loved playing dress up, and thought boys were icky (I basically thought they were the bomb...and my best friend was a guy until I was 13). As much as I wanted the princess in me to come out, there has always been a fighting spirit in me. As soon as I heard about UFC, I submerged myself in it. Kickboxing was the new high for me when I was 15. Don't get me wrong, I loved and still love every second of it. But there's such a contrast between my two worlds. When I tell people (mainly guys) that I'm in to UFC and kickboxing and such, they build this image in their minds of who I am. Some girl who could kick their butts. When they hear my girlie side, they think I'm being two faced. How do I maintain both sides of me? I don't want to lose any part of who I am...

Now. I have this side too. The side that thinks twirling skirts are adorable, and who dreams of the perfect guy coming for her someday, and can find beauty in anything. The side that cares what you think, and wants to look beautiful. How do I balance this out...It's definitely hard. I've learned though, that I am who I am. Take it or leave it. I won't give up either side of me. Both sides are as true as the other one. I don't prefer one over the other. I don't want to be the girlie girl who thinks blood is gross and could never kill a bug. But I also don't want to be the tomboy who has no emotion and just likes beating anything and anyone up, and doesn't care about how she looks. I am both. Get over it.

Kind Of In Love

"She's as sweet as the summer time
And strong as the sunshine
And I don't want to know her
I let myself down."
-The Avett Brothers

These lyrics really make my heart pump. :) First of all, I've always wanted to be related to as summer time or sunshine. Just those nicknames alone make me turn away and blush. :/ No one ever sees my romantic side, or how much I really long for a special love. I'm like any little girl, dabbling in her mothers make-up and playing dress up, only that's not what I've ever been. I was a tomboy all through my life, and now as I'm getting older I feel like going back to childhood and sitting in my daddy's arms and just soaking in the love. Just playing the princess. I never wanted to be the princess in the story - but I do now. I want to be someone's sunshine. Someone's princess. But I don't want them to feel they can't know me for some reason. I always feel like, when I find a dashing young man, that I can never have one of my own. I know this is silly, but I have always felt this way. Like I'm not the sunshine, I'm not the sweet summer time, or the beauty. And I'm afraid that if someone ever sees me as that, they will be too afraid to pursue me ("And I don't want to know her. I let myself down.")

In the last few weeks my Papa has really begun to speak to my heart. He's showing me I really DO want that love, and it's wonderful to want that. I shouldn't feel embarrassed or wrong to desire that love from someone someday. And He's showing me my heart. He gave my dad the name "Sarah Eve" before I was born. He said "give that name to your first born daughter!" There is a reason I have this name. The meaning: Princess Life. :) It makes me smile now. I want to be someone's princess, and I intend to be one day.

To the men: Please, love your woman. She wants it badly. Love and beauty are just a part of a woman's heart. She needs to know she is loved and beautiful. Be the hero. Sweep her off her feet, you brave young men! Be her superhero. And as I pray for my own hero to come one day, I sit and wait in my Papa's love. He wraps me in Him. If the woman is in Him, travel through His heart, and you will find her.

"I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life."
-Frou Frou "Holding Out For A Hero"

Max

Where The Wild Things Are. This was (and still is) my favorite book. My dad would sit with me and my siblings every night and read that book to us. He did all the voices, and we had tickle time when the Wild Things said "We'll eat you up! -We love you so!" We made up our "Rumpus" song and paraded around the house (my dad being a Wild Thing, and me being Max), yelling our song.

When I was 5, my grandfather would sing to me the Wild Thing song. "Wild Thing! You make my heart sing! You make everything - groovy!" I was a Wild Thing. I loved being Max, though. I had the same desire for adventure that he did. Oh how this trailer makes my heart long for that again! Adventure! Being a child at heart isn't being immature. It's realizing who we are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POYc7U76FC8

My heart is tangled up

I feel my heart wanting to go in so many different directions. This season I'm in is so free, but I also feel like I've left part of me behind when I came to California. I feel something missing. My adventure, maybe. I have such a crazy heart - always wanting to go here and there, and take everyone with me! Always wanting to love, all the time, and take that love and fill someone who needs it.

I can almost hear my adventure calling my name! "Sarah! Come dance with me. Come with me and I will take you to the places your heart wants to go". I so want to say "yes!" But I don't know what to do with myself. How do I give into the adventure God has for my life...? The other day, I was listening to Kings of Convenience and the song "Gold In the Air Of Summer" came on. Papa spoke to me through those lyrics.

"I came to pick you up. You didn't even hesitate, now you and Me are on our way. I think I brought everything we need. Don't look back. Don't think of all the places you should have been. It's a good thing you came along with Me."

It's good that I came. Now I just need to see the next thing He has for me.

Old Film Days

She wanted me to take a few pictures of her that would actually look good. I like photography if I can use a good camera. It's so pointless with a piece of crap. Thankfully I have a nice film camera (it's not new, but I prefer it that way). It really takes good shots.














These pictures (the four below) are a sample of the shots I took in Washington D.C. I love culture and history, and I love photography, so the chance to combine and walk away with something beauty was almost too divine to pass up. I especially like the one I took of my sister.
























































This one (^) is one of my favorites. It was a picture I snapped quickly while my former debate partners and Speechers were chatting away after a meeting. We all enjoy each others company excessively, and one of our favorite things is standing around talking nonsensically.

Forgetting

So, I really hate it when I stop doing the things I love more than anything else. Like writing. I have such a passion for it, but lately I only sit down to do it maybe once a day. Which is terrible for me. Usually (when I'm my normal, writing self) I'll sit down for hours, maybe 3 or 4 times a day just writing. I could seriously be satisfied doing that every day. And I could always write about something new. I'm sure I still could, and I know I would enjoy it the same, if not more now, but I don't seem to have enough time. Or, can't seem to ever get to it. Or, I find something else to do and forget about writing. Even letters. I can't really seem to find time to write letters to people anymore. Which sucks. Majorly. Cause I love writing letters to my friends. It's so much better than talking on the phone for me. And since I don't like talking on the phone, I write letters. Well, now I'm not doing either one of them so I'm losing contact with the outside world...Oh boy. This is stresssfullll.

UFC

Today we talked about UFC at work. It was interesting, and a little refreshing after the political "discussion" last week. Ever since I told my friend Josh, who is a "manager in training", that I watch UFC with my brother & my dad, he's been quizing me on all this different stuff. Like today, he very casually called my name, and when I said "yeah", he took a few minutes and asked "Who's your favorite UFC fighter?" Without even a pause, I answered "Rampage Jackson". Because, well, he is my favorite. I don't know why, because he's a total punk and gangster, but I like him more than any other UFC fighter. Maybe because (even if it is half-hearted), he thanks God at every fight. I think we owe a lot to God for where we are, or where we want to be. At least Rampage understands that.

So, after work I drove home, and for some reason was in sort of a funk. You know, when you just feel sad and you can't really pin-point the exact moment when you first started feeling that way, or even figure out why? That's how it was for me this afternoon. So, I went upstairs and lay on my bed and just sort of stared at the ceiling. I began to think about leaving home, and all of the things I have to get done before I leave. I thought to myself, after all that happened in the day, "I need to be more like a UFC fighter". They can fight through the pain. I can too, but not when it comes to emotions. I just let them get the better of me. In fighting (kick boxing) I can take a punch, and I can certainly dish it out. But with emotion, I don't really fight back. So, I need to.

sometime's it just happens

I usually don't have really bad days. Usually my days are either boring, exciting or happy. Yesterday was not that kind of day. I went to work, and it was a normal work day for me. I was my sarcastic "up-in-yo-face" self all day long. Then, I'm not sure how we got onto it, we started a political discussion. I have learned almost everything through experience. It just doesn't hold it's weight unless it actually happens to you. Well, yesterday, I learned not to talk about politics at work unless work is politics.

My side was, of course, conservative and republican, and almost everyone else was liberal and democrat. My stand was: Obama is ruining the foundation our founding fathers set, tearing down everything we stand for, and putting our nation in the way of harm. Their stand was: Obama is the best thing that ever happened, he's our first black president, and that was it. They couldn't back up a thing they were saying. I came at them hard with facts and evidence to back up my views. They came back with this question (because they couldn't think of anything else): Who would you rather be president? Sarah Palin or Barack Obama?

Now, what I should have done in that moment was stop and think. It was a trap. With the way the news was covering Sarah Palin, they were making her look like a wreck, so obviously these peoples views were that she WAS a wreck and not fit to be president. Instead, I went in head first with my opinion (and my facts). They shot me down. "Sarah Palin isn't fit to be the president! She can't get her priorities in check. At least Obama can take care of his family!! Sarah Palin has a mental child! She can't take care of the United States". Now. Hold on. Stop right there. Did he just say "Sarah Palin has a mental child, so she can't take care of the United States???" WHAT? This was what really ticked me off. As some of you may know, my brother has mental issues, so that hits home with me. How, in the WORLD, can you say that she can't run the United States just because she has a special needs child? That's just plain ludicrous right there. I think if anything, it shows that she could in fact run the United States, seeing as how she can take care of a special needs child. Of course she's not perfect. No one is. She just has more of her problems exploited, unlike Obama.

The next thing they said made me mad, but it was more of an inward mad. I didn't show it. They said they wouldn't want her to be President because she's a woman. Okay. So. They're sexist, blind, stupid, and "Obama Mummies". They haven't researched the facts. They just walk with their arms in front of them saying dumbly "O-ba-ma. O-ba-ma. O-ba-ma." Yep. They've been brainwashed.

After that, one of the managers broke us up, because frankly I was getting a little steamed. He wasn't on my side, but he's still my friend. He told me he shouldn't have started it, and he settled it with agreeing to disagree. But the other guy couldn't let it go. He could dish it out, but he couldn't take it. He told another employee that he doesn't like me because I like Sarah Palin. And he doesn't like anyone who likes Sarah Palin. Oh boy. When you start choosing your friends because of who they like in the government, or who they don't like, you've got issues. I was prepared to leave the whole debate behind us, agreeing to disagree, but he decided to take it personally and throw away a friendship over it. So, now I've got rumors spreading around work that I'm just like Sarah Palin, and I'm a liar (because of some of the facts that they didn't believe). Well, I guess that just happens sometimes. I was upset over it at first. But now, I'm just fine. I know that as long as I have radical views, and I search for the truth and I'm upfront with people, I'll be persecuted. Oh well. Time to move on.

do the mess around

Summer is always sweet, with a bitter taste at the end. I want to enjoy this summer as much as possible, before I leave.

McG & Change

Change. Coming in different ways that really make no sense to me sometimes. I haven't been through enough changing in my life to know if I really like it or not. I know that I long for adventure, and I long for something different. But as the time to leave and go my own way gets closer, I find myself hesitating. I really wonder how I'll handle it all. Will I have a melt down? Will I be full of happiness? What will I do if all I know is happiness?
There's something really wrong when you start worrying about being happy all the time. It would be a big change, but I think God is telling me that I really will be happy all the time. There's a new life coming my way, and it's one I've never experienced.