Bringing out the gold in our relationships

I am absolutely NOT an expert on love and/or relationships, but I have watched people succeed and fail in their romances, and I have had friendships that have failed and friendships that have blossomed.  So I decided today, in the middle of a conversation with my boyfriend, that I would write this blog post.

Far too often in our relationships (whether it be friendships, father/daughter relationships, romantic relationships, etc) we get to a point where we are so comfortable with each other that we forget to check our tone and the way we speak with each other. Like, anything goes! But that's not how we should treat our relationships; we should treat them with value, honor and respect, in every situation.

I am going to use my boyfriend and I's relationship as an example of this (attempting to be extremely vulnerable...please, be patient).  The Lord is teaching me SO much through this relationship; in my opinion, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship if we weren't constantly growing and learning.  Being my first real romantic relationship, I have QUITE a LOT of things to learn.  One of the lessons I am learning now is how to speak with Daniel.  What phrases make him upset or angry? What does my tone sound like? How is he receiving what I'm saying to him right now? Should I pull back or march forward? etc, etc. But beyond those simple and obvious ways of speaking with people, I have to constantly ask myself  "does what I'm saying build him up or tear him down?" Because whether he's acting like a prince or not, it's my job to make sure I always treat him like a prince. I have to catch myself (or I'll find myself apologizing 10 seconds later) when I feel the urge to call him a jerk because, well, he's kinda acting like one! But if all I'm doing is calling him a jerk when he's feeling low, I'm sure that isn't going to encourage him to be my prince charming when I need it.  I have to make it my job to tell him he's great even when he's being the opposite of great! I want to call out his better traits instead of focusing on his flaws, because a healthy relationship between two healthy people brings out the best in us, not the worst.

Now, let's be real ladies.  It doesn't matter if we're sweet like sugar, and cuddly like teddy bears and we always smell nice; we can be totally mean sometimes. In our weak moments, do we want our friends and boyfriends telling us we need to "stop crying and get tough" or let us lean on them while they tell us we're amazing and they believe in us? I'll take the second choice, please! We just have to make a choice - in the middle of a heated discussion and all you want to do is scream at each other and let your words get the better of you, choose love instead.  Choose to be the solution instead of the problem.  Break the chain, change the atmosphere, all with a little encouragement.  Bring the gold out in your relationship.

Another big contributor to this, is communication.  Now, if you are dating someone who fluently speaks the same language as you do, you don't really have much of an excuse.  It's funny, my boyfriend and I have almost created an entirely different language in order to communicate effectively with each other.  It's not quite english and it's not quite spanish. :P I'm joking, obviously. But you should see us talking with each other.  2 hours on skype for us, is the equivalent of 30 minutes for a couple that speaks the same language.  It takes us time to translate some things because of accents, or different culture. Understanding each other is incredibly important to us, so we put a lot of effort into it.  And this is the same, whether you speak the same language or not.  I don't ever want to hang up the phone thinking Daniel said "I don't like talking to you", when really what he was trying to say was "I don't like not talking to you." Communicating effectively is so important to uncovering the gold in a relationship.  My goal for my relationship with Daniel is to one day be excellent communicators, but I have to be willing to get through the awkward moments of "what the heck are you trying to say to me!?!" (And, we've totally both said that to each other...). The bottom line is, you will get out of the relationship what you put into it.  If you put time and effort, you will reap rewards.  If you put love and respect, you will receive the same. And I fully believe that.

Romance

After my last post, I felt prompted to write about romance.  It is hard to say "guard your heart" and then turn around and talk about romance, but I will try my best.  I want to say before I start, for all of my single friends (including myself), that you must view this post through the lenses of guarding your heart.  I do not want to talk about romance and stir something in you, and you throw away the advice I previously gave.  Nonetheless, romance is one of God's greatest gifts to us, and it is a gift we should steward.

Dictionary.com has it's own version of romance:
1. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.
2. to invent or relate romances; to indulge in fanciful or extravagant stories or daydreams.
3. to think or talk romantically.
4. to court or woo romantically; treat with ardor or chivalrousness.
5. to court the favor of or make overtures to; play up to.

Going even further in my research, I found these explanations for romance:

1. Love, esp romantic love idealized for it's purity or beauty
2. A spirit of or inclination for adventure, excitement or mystery

I cannot say that I disagree with any of those explanations above.  But God has even deeper, even better things to say about love and romance.  We find the most absurd, extravagant, wonderful verses in Song of Solomon.  I know most single people tend to skip right over Song of Solomon because they feel it doesn't apply to them, or it makes them feel uncomfortable.  I was one of those people, until I did a deep study on that book of the bible, and I found that it is much more than just a story of two lovers.  It is a story of romance; it holds mysteries and keys to love.  I will highlight some of my favorite verses; the ones that really explained to me what true love and romance is really about.

"Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." -2:2
"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men." 2:3
"Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love." 2:5
"My lover spoke and said to me, 'Arise, my darling my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrances. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." 2:10-13
"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!" 4:9&10
"I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me." 7:10
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal over your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." 8:6&7

Those are the verses that I feel apply specifically to romance and true love.  Also, throughout the whole book, she is always saying "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."  As she is absolutely, 100% falling in love with this man, she is also aware that she must guard her heart, and that her story is a testament of that!  They are completely in love with each other; they have found their match.  And I'm sure it took patience and a great deal of waiting on her part before they met!  And now that they are together, it is almost like the fire cannot die - it just grows and grows; the romance is evident.

My favorite verse out of all of the ones I mentioned, and the one I will elaborate on, is Song of Solomon 2:10-12.  The man says to his beloved "come with me!" He says "winter is past; the rains are over and gone."  Finally, her season of waiting is over!  It is now time for her to give herself completely to her lover!  She does not have to wait any longer; this is the season of romance for her!  How beautiful is that?!?!

I said earlier that we have to steward the gift of romance.  But how do you do that when you're single?  I mean, you can't really practice romance with everyone in your life (that would just be super weird and awkward), but there is One person who invites us to share a deep love story with Him every day; to indulge in romance with Him.  Jesus.  We steward the gift of romance with Him.  He teaches us what real love is, what real romance looks like.  He speaks words of life into our souls, woos us, calls us to Him, tells us He loves us even when we can't love ourselves.  He is the ultimate Lover.  I promise, my single friends, if you can learn to live a life of romance and adventure with Jesus first, your love story with your future spouse will be 100 times better than you can imagine.  If you let Jesus teach you how to truly love and romance, your future love story will be sweeter than wine. But you must be patient.  There will be nights when you are laying in your bed alone, thinking and wishing for that special someone to share your life with.  Turn your attention towards Jesus in that moment.  Learn to receive from Him first, then you will be able to receive from your one and only one day.

I'm not going to sugar coat it, it will be hard, especially if you have not been in a season of waiting before.  If you are used to jumping from relationship to relationship, I think this will be even harder for you.  But I promise, it will be absolutely worth it, when you find yourself on your wedding day standing next to the one person you will be with forever, promising to love and cherish one another into eternity. And you will have learned the art of waiting, and you will be able to look into their eyes and say without a doubt "I have waited for you.  Even through the long nights, those times when all of my friends were getting married, the days I just wanted to be comforted, the times I didn't know if you would come - I still waited throughout them all."  I promise, that is a gift your spouse will appreciate more than any other.  So, stick it out!  Because it's worth it. And the romance will be even greater.

Guarding Your Heart

You hear the phrase "guard your heart" in a lot of religious circles, or from older (wiser) people who probably know a lot more about love and life than us young people do. I know for myself, in the past, I've accepted what they had to say with a nod and a smile, then went on my way and forgot about it completely. Now I want to share with you my thoughts on how important it really is to remember to guard your heart in every situation (not just romantic relationships), because your heart is a treasure.

Side note: this blog post is for both guys AND girls.

Ok - I am going to attempt to be completely honest and open in this blog post, and for me (with this subject) I don't really care to share much with anyone but the people I know intimately. Nonetheless, I feel like I am supposed to share my recent experience in order to make my point on the subject.
I have never dated anyone (which I am very VERY thankful for; the Lord has really protected me from getting into a lot of unhealthy relationships, and I'll talk more about that later), but I have liked many a man over the years. Liking someone, or feeling attracted to them, is a normal part of life and essential for being human; romance is a gift from God, and one that we should be stewarded well. I can't say that I've approached it correctly in all, or any, of the relationships I've pursued.

When it comes to Jesus, I'm head over heals; with my personality I love to be in love, so obviously my biggest desire is to be in love with the man of my dreams one day as well. When I found myself getting attracted to someone (in the past), I would let that desire and dream for a future relationship almost blind me to God's plan for a future relationship - and that is NEVER good. Recently, I found myself "falling into like", as I enjoy calling it, with someone I met over the summer. I tried to convince myself, and everyone around me, that we were just friends. But we talked every day, sometimes for 3 + hours (almost always late at night). Who was I kidding? I talked to him more than I talked to my best friends, which also kept me from receiving the proper council throughout the whole situation; I would think about him all day, and surf through his photos on facebook. I didn't bother to guard my heart. I had a very dear friend who knew the guy pretty well, who told me a couple times that I really needed to guard my heart, but I just didn't know how to do that - I didn't know what that looked like.

Thankfully (and I say this honestly), God ended it only a month into it. I was upset, but I feel like God gave me a beautiful grace to handle it. He revealed to me how I had not protected my heart throughout the process, at all, and how incredibly important it is. My heart belongs to Jesus and my future husband, not every guy I'm attracted to. My heart is the most valuable thing about me, and it's something that should be treated as such. We don't just hand out our most valuable posessions to every person we pass on the street, right? So why do we do that with our hearts'? It's the same thing.

Our future spouses' and Jesus (the guy who sacrificed His very life for OUR hearts') deserve so much more than just a used organ on our Wedding day! They deserve the very best; a treasure that was guarded and protected specifically with them in mind. Purity isn't purity if the heart isn't kept safe. We can resist temptation all day long, but if our hearts' are bruised and broken over and over again, what's the point? The Word says "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring fo life. (Prov. 4:23)" Our very life bubbles from within our hearts. Our hearts tell the people around us who we really are, inside and out. Why damage that, or risk breaking it? I'm not saying we shouldn't take risks in love (because love is definitely risky), but we should use wisdom in love.

For me, God's word for my life is clear: He will bring love in it's perfect timing; "...I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Solomon 8:4)" Any love with someone that we could conjure up or imagine, is nothing compared to the love He has in store for us in perfect relationship set up by Him and with Him. He is the perfect Planner. He knows what's best. He will help us, if it is our desire, to guard our hearts' from things that long to take it captive (not just in relationships, but in media and other things as well).

Most people know, or can tell by the way I say and do things, that I long to be married one day. I don't think there's anything more beautiful than the union of marriage. Such a deep, close relationship shared by two people - & then family produced from that beautiful union - it's just so captivating. Something worth waiting for, right? I would think so :)

Awakened Like Samuel In The Night

Good morning, my faithful readers! I am writing to you from Bogotá, Colombia! I arrived here on Monday afternoon, and have enjoyed every second of every day in the company of my Colombian family.

Apart from just having a great, fun time, the Lord has been speaking to me in strange and new ways; ways I never pondered before. You know when you hear of something happening to someone else, and you think in your heart "Well that would never happen to me." Yeah, I've done the same thing. But the Lord has proved me wrong in so many different ways already, and it's only the 4th day of my 10 day trip.

One thing in particular, happened last night (or, rather early this morning). I was tossing and turning in my bed, unable to sleep (& if you know me at all you know that I usually have no trouble sleeping), when I suddenly found myself wide
awake, sitting up in my bed. You can call me a liar if you want, but I could have sworn I heard someone calling my name! It was the strangest experience. But instead of making Samuel's mistake in 1 Samuel 3 (where the Lord called unto Samuel and he thought it was Eli calling him), I just said to the Lord "what do you want to tell me?" And I heard the verse Psalm 4:4. The funny thing is, I glanced at my phone and it said 4:04 AM, but it was really 3:04 because my phone is stuck on US time (but I think God is funny that way. I think He wanted me to see 4:04 because of the verse He gave me).

Anyway, the verse reads:
Stand in awe, and sin not: Commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah (Psalm 4:4 ASV)

Funny. I was sitting on my bed when I read this verse, so I just decided to lie down and search my heart. I probably spoke with God for about an hour before I fell back asleep. It was the most refreshing conversation I've ever had with Him. He revealed a lot to me.

I am feeling very thankful for the experiences He is bringing to me on this trip. I feel renewed.

Location:Bogotá,Colombia

Leaving My Comfort Zone

Right now I'm sitting in the Fort Lauderdale airport getting ready to board my flight to Bogota, Colombia. Normally that wouldn't be much of a big deal, but that was when j wasn't leaving the country by MYSELF for the first time.

Every time I experience a new adventure like this, I can almost taste it in my spirit. It's something new, something fun, something amazing. I cab hardly wait to get there and breathe in the fresh Colombian air. I love it there; it's like a second home, honestly. I feel so alive when in there; so new.

I'm sure the experience will yield lots of things to write about. Pray for me; for new adventures, and safety for the whole trip. Cya USA! hello Colombia! :)

Location:Terminal Dr,Fort Lauderdale,United States

Unknown Territory

It's never completely easy to march into unknown territory. Sometimes we feel brave enough to push our chests out and walk into it with a little less fear than usual. But I've found, for my own life, it's usually quite unnerving. I get nervous, sometimes a little fearful (or a lot, honestly), I start worrying about what could go wrong. But after I go through the motions, I usually get to that place - surrender. It's a place I've come to enjoy quite a bit. Fully surrendering all that I am to the One who charts my course. Jesus takes me into the unknown, arm in arm, tearing down my curtains of fear, breaking down my walls of anxiety, and putting all of my doubts to rest.

He risked everything on me when He died on the cross. He braved the unknown, facing fears beyond any I've ever realized, and went through incredible suffering that most of us will never understand. He never stayed comfortable. He was constantly pushing the boundaries, taking new risks and diving headfirst into the unknown. And we are supposed to be following His example. He has promised us in return that He will never leave us or forsake us. He will always be with us, in any and EVERY situation. So why not jump into the adventure?

I believe once we get to that place of complete surrender, in every instance, true adventure, beyond anything we could imagine, takes place in our lives. God takes us on a roller coaster which, at times, can be frightening, until we realize that it's meant to be full of fun and surprises, and in the end we will arrive at our destination safe and full to the brim with excitement.

The unknown. It's not meant to be comfortable. It's not meant to give us peace all the time. It doesn't put us into a life where we always know what's going to happen next, and we never have any surprises...what's the fun in that?! God wants us to have adventure, fun, and throughout everything, trust Him completely.

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the One who will keep you on track. Don't assume you know it all. Run to God!.." -Proverbs 3:5-8 (Message Bible)

No matter where He takes us, who He brings into our lives, how crazy things get, how uneasy we may feel, He is "the One who will keep you on track". We have to trust in His voice completely and trust that He knows what He's doing! We may not fully understand His plans, but they are "fool proof". So join me in the adventure! Join me in life! Let's uncover all of the secrets and treasures the Lord is leaving for us. Let's become one with Him and His will. Let's march into the unknown, knowing only one thing: the Lord is good, and the Lord loves us. With that revelation, we are completely safe.

Doubt Is Not A Friend

It's funny how easy it is to doubt. When we are unsure of our surroundings, our circumstances, our feelings, our emotions, or our relationships, we can either let doubt in or let God in. We either doubt, or we trust. Lately, to be completely honest, I have not been trusting God at all. Sometimes I forget He has everything under control. He knows the future, and worrying and doubting does nothing good for my soul; it only makes me scroll through my insecurities like a tv guide.

When everything seems to be going wrong, it's so easy to let our feelings get compromised and let doubt in. Doubt tells us that it won't work out, our efforts will come to nothing, God isn't really interested in our situation, it will end terribly, we don't really know what we're doing, our feelings aren't real, etc. Instead of doubting, we should be trusting the Lord and trusting His plans. If we submit ourselves to Him, doubt doesn't come easily. When we are in-tune with His will, doubt isn't our go-to emotion. Trust, trust, trust. Because in the end, doubt will do nothing for me. It will only leave me in my insecurities, and rob me of something that could potentially be the best thing that ever happened to me! Doubt keeps me from exploring, because I'm too worried it just "won't work out", or I'll get hurt.

Let's look at a recent scenario of mine: feelings. I am a feeler. It can be good and it can be bad at times. Because I am a Christian, I am always trying to make sure that I stay in the Lord's will for my life, so my feelings are usually guided by that. If all goes well, my feelings are in-tune with His, and I can determine whether my feelings are from Him or from a different source. Now, to be honest, things don't always go well. Sometimes the devil likes to come in and tell me that my true feelings (from the Lord) mean nothing. I begin doubting the Lord's voice, questioning myself, questioning Him. It's a never ending doubting circle. The only way to keep myself from falling into doubt, is to guard my heart from outside voices, knowing my Father's voice clearly, and knowing myself. It's funny when you realize you've been wrong, and you come to the light - everything feels different. Everything feels better. I think "how could I have believed anything else? How silly." Exactly. How silly doubting is. Especially when you're doubting the most important things.

Which way will your heart go?

There's a song by Mason Jennings called "Which Way Your Heart Will Go". The chorus is perfect for my life right now:

"Where would I be right now if all my dreams had come true? Deep down I know somehow I'd have never seen your face; this world would be a different place. Darling there’s no way to know which way your heart will go."

Kind of tying into my last blog post, I'm so thankful the Lord hasn't given me all of the things I've asked for. If He had, I wouldn't be the person I am today; I wouldn't live in the place I live; I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful people who have truly changed my life. If He given me some of the things I've asked for, I would be on a completely different path. And I am just so blessed He didn't give me what I thought I wanted at the time, so that He could give me what I would need for the rest of my life.

Because "there's no way to know which way your heart will go". We could choose a way of life we never thought we would want, but it turns out to be perfect for us. So I'm looking forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for my life and my heart; who He has in store for me, and the life we will live because of His perfect plan.

God's Timing Is Always Perfect

If I've learned anything over the past 4 years, it's that God's timing is absolutely perfect. He never makes mistakes. I look back on the things I've wanted, the things I've pleaded with God to give me or the people around me, and now I'm just so thankful He never did. Of course there were things that He did give me, and I am so blessed for it. But there were certain things I've asked for that if He had given them to me, would have messed up my entire future!! All the plans He has for me, and the plans I've learned to partner with, would have been lost in my own wants and desires.

I'm not saying that desire is bad; God puts desire in our hearts, but timing is everything! If we receive something before it's time, we could potentially change our entire course of life. And I know now, that I would rather live out God's plan for my life than live out ANY of the plans I've come up with for myself over the years. My goal is to be in His will. When I'm in His will, I hear His voice for my life, which means that the desires in His heart become my desires! Our plans become one. We no longer have different plans; we have the same.

Then our prayers become something special. They become desires put into words, sent up to the Father's heart, and He can't help but answer them because the desire first came from Him. He will always answer them at the perfect time, though. When things are perfectly timed, you get that feeling, "it just feels right", because it is right.

I know impatience has been a big part of my life for several years. I used to, and sometimes still do, get very impatient for promises that haven't been fulfilled yet. Then I step back and look at everything: am I ready for this promise to become a reality in my life yet? Is it God's perfect timing? Patience really is a virtue. I need more practice, but I am getting better at waiting. Waiting is a gift, and when perfected it will save your life. I haven't perfected the gift of waiting, but I am getting better at it. Waiting on the presence of God, waiting for my future husband, waiting for a promise, etc. But at the same time, letting the desire for those things build inside (in a healthy way), praying into them, and then stepping back and watching God's plans for them unfold right before my eyes. It's a beautiful thing, timing, and I am so thankful God waits for the perfect moment to spring our dreams on us!

Puzzle Pieces

As I'm writing this, I have no title for this post. I'm not sure what to call it, because I'm not sure how I'm going to say what I want to say. Have you ever had one of those moments where you were just at a loss for words? As a writer, that doesn't happen very often to me (just being real). But then you stumble upon a song, a verse or a poem that your heart connects with, and it seems to explain all the feelings in your heart better than you ever could? Yeah, that's what happened to me.

"Til Kingdom Come

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheel just keeps on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

-Coldplay

That's one song that really touched the deep parts of my heart. Lately the Lord has been speaking to me about love. Letting someone in; lowering my wall that I've kept up to protect myself. Sometimes I forget that Jesus protects my heart better than I ever could. To pretend like that wall could do a better job than the Lord's strength is foolish of me. I know why I have that wall (sort of); I've made mistakes when it comes to relationships, and I'm afraid to make anymore. But without risk how can there be adventure? How can there be love? God risked everything for us, and now we experience the greatest love there ever was; the greatest adventure mankind could ever embark on! Without risk, there is no love; no adventure.

"The Thief

Your eyes are full

Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging without giving us any say

You, sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets from second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

It fits in your hand like water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait `til I put me out for the taking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you."

-Brooke Fraser

This song in particular spoke to me. Like I said, love has been one of the things God has been strongly speaking to me about. I've been wondering lately what love really looks like. Does "love at first sight" really exist? I know people who believe in it, and I know people who believe it's only a fairytale. I'll tell you what I think. Is it possible that God makes two people specifically for each other? Creating both of them with the other one in mind? Creating them as puzzle pieces, fitting perfectly together? If that's possible, once they meet, since they were created for each other, they instantly feel that connection; that spark. As if they just found their missing puzzle piece. Maybe that's what love at first sight really is; finding the one who was fashioned just for you. Like the song says "It is as if I knew you before we spoke. Do our hearts know something we don't? Conspiring, converging without giving us any say." Our hearts sometimes know the answer before our heads do. And that's okay. (:

Process

Change, transition, process. We all go through it, in every season of our lives. I love this subject, because it's so universal. No matter who you are or what you believe, process is a part of your life. Change is important and needed to move on to the next step. If you don't go through transition, you never move.

Most people I talk to view it as more of a "problem" instead of a "gift". But I look at it like this: you don't go anywhere unless you put one foot in front of the other, or you put the car in drive, or you turn the key to start the ignition. All of that is process. If you don't go through the process, you never get to your destination. Learn to welcome the process. Learn to love the adventure.

Finding Our Worth

Like a lot of other people out there, I struggle with finding my worth sometimes. I let thoughts like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, classy enough, quiet enough" etc, creep in. I let those thoughts drive me to wonder if I'm worthy of love, or attention. But that isn't healthy.

I always go through a process that looks something like this: Someone says something that makes me question myself and worth. I let a thought come into my mind like "You know, he's right. You are mean." And then I let myself dwell on that thought (always a bad idea) instead of rebuking it like I should have. After letting myself simmer for a while in those feelings of heartbreak, I find a quiet place and I usually cry. Cry and apologize to Papa God for believing it, "but it must be true." Then He comes along with His sweet, soft voice and brings me back up. He tells me I believed a lie, and He tells me the truth about myself. And then, instead of crying about a lie, I'm crying because I'm so thankful for Papa and the Truth.

I would save myself a whole lot of trouble if I rebuked the thought in the first place. Because we can't find our true worth in anyone but God. He made us, knows us, and changes us with the power of His love. He loves us for all that we are, and it's about time we start realizing how awesome we are instead of believing what people say about us. The only time it's okay to believe what people say, is when it matches what God says about us. (: So next time you hear someone say something about you that is opposite what God says, don't except it as truth, smile and go on with the knowledge that God thinks you're great!

Abortion

You can defame me, rename me or not claim me, but I am still yours.
You can leave me, bereave me or not see me, but I am still yours.
You can refuse to hold me, behold me or mold me, but I am still yours.
You can claim your rights, refuse to fight or choose to indite, but I am still yours.
You can call me tissue, say I'm not your issue or choose to reissue, but I am still yours.
You can pretend I'm not growing, say you're not showing or tell folks you're foregoing, But I am still yours.
-written by Kris Vallotton

I Will Wait For You

"I will know you. Because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon's wisdom. Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God's word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart for God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph, and your ability to abandon your own will remind me of the disciples. But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ. But I won't need to identify you with any special Matthew's or any special Mark's, because His word will be tatted all over your heart!"

"And you will know me, and you will find me where the boldness of Esther meets the warm, closeness of Ruth. With a hospitality like Lydia, which is in line with the submission of Mary and engulfed in the prayerful tears of Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31, waiting for you. But to my Father; my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth, only if You see fit. I desire Your will above mine; so even if You call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with You, the One that was sent. You are the greatest love story ever told; the greatest love ever known."

"I will wait for you" by Official P4CM poet Janette. You can find her video on YouTube. (:

Wild Ride

Any ride with Jesus is a wild ride! And I love it! He knows me inside and out; better than anyone ever will. He knows my thoughts, my heart, my soul. He knows what I love, what I hate, what makes me excited! I've found that He hides little treasures in every day life for me to discover (because He also knows I LOVE to discover and I love anything adventurous)! He knows how to get me going. (: He knows how to make me smile. I am convinced that He plans every day to surprise me with something special! I've been keeping a journal about it. It may sound soooo ridiculous and silly, and you might say that all of these things are purely a coincidence. But I don't think so!

I keep a thing called a "dream list". Things to check off. God knows my dream list, let's just say that! (;

One thing on my dream list is to go fishing on a boat, out on the water. Well, for my birthday a friend of mine took me out on his boat and I got to do just that! Fishing on the water: Check!

Another thing, not on my check list but I love; when people think of me when I'm not with them, and they show it somehow. I've had a friend make me a mixed CD of our favorite songs (sooo sweet), my dad brought me my favorite coffee drink just because, and a good friend called me out of the blue and we talked for hours! Little things that make me heart soar: Check!

Another thing: The color orange is my absolute FAVORITE color. This will sound silly, I promise; but literally, every time I see something orange (no matter what it is) it makes me SO happy. Like I said earlier, I've been keeping a journal on this stuff, and I've seen at least 1 orange thing every day during work. Whether it's been a car, a watch someone is wearing, a scarf, shoes, whatever it is. Every day, at least 1 thing, if not several! God knows how to make me smile. (:

Or it could be my favorite song randomly coming on the radio, or when my iPod is on shuffle. Or it could be a friend posting a sweet note on my wall (you know, the EXACT thing I need to hear at that EXACT moment). Or it could be today; after I got my coffee drink and the lady hands my receipt to me and the balance left on my card is: $2.22! I love that number! (:

There are SO many more things I could list; those are only a few. Point is, God knows us. He knows how to help us appreciate every day life. He hides little treasures and little things for us to discover. He is always speaking, and He always has good plans for us. The ride is fun and sometimes wild! And I promise; if you look for Him you will find Him! Even if it's seeing Him in the color orange. (:

Yet

All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She's got teary eyes
I've got reasons why

I'm losing ground and gaining speed
I've lost myself or most of me
I'm headed for the final precipice

But you haven't lost me yet
No, you haven't lost me yet
I'll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven't lost me yet

These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights

I'm so confused
What's true of false
What's fact or fiction after all
I feel like I'm an apparition's pet

But you haven't lost me yet
No you haven't lost me yet
I'll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven't lost me yet

If it doesn't break your heart
It isn't love
If it doesn't break your heart
It's not enough
It's when you're breaking down
With your insides coming out
That's when you find out what your heart is made of.

-Yet, by Switchfoot

With it being a new season and all, I thought it a good idea to reflect on 2010. For me, last year was wonderful and terrible, spiritually exciting and exhausting, enlightening and terrifying. My eyes were opened to a lot of things. I was finishing up my school year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in California, which was probably the best year of my life! In school I found a peace that I had never had and a love that I will never give up. I found certain parts in me that I didn't know existed, and let a lot of people in. School was the exciting part of my year.

After school was over, I went back to live with my folks in Florida. It was such a drastic (in every sense of the word) difference in atmosphere that it caught me by surprise. If you have read any of my posts since being back in Florida, you know how difficult it was for me. I found it extremely tiring just trying to "find" the presence of God. This, to me, was the most sad thing to ever happen to me! I had never had trouble getting into His presence, and I had never let the atmosphere determine how much of God I was going to have. Then all of a sudden, it was like I hit a brick wall! I began to wonder what it was holding me back (other than my knowledge of the atmosphere I was in).

I did end up tackling this, and now I have no problem getting into His glory. It was a difficult process though. I had to grasp the knowledge I had attained at Bethel; that I am a daughter of my heavenly Father and I have full access to Him. Once I really let that penetrate me again, I had zero problems in that area. After I jumped that wall, I started unlocking more truth about myself and about Jesus. I started re-entering into that secret place and learning new things. I started to dream again.

In the middle of my whole "getting into the presence" problem, I was also struggling with my dreams. One of my biggest dreams is to get married and have children. I started questioning that desire; whether I really needed it, whether I really wanted it, and whether God really wanted it for me. I went through some emotionally hard things (but things, I realize now, I needed to go through), and things that shattered my idea of romance. After I "got through" that, I started re-evaluating that desire. And now, after everything is over, that desire burns even brighter in me, and I am now convinced more than ever that it is a legit desire!

That brings us into this year. I am starting to see where God is going to be placing me, where my heart longs to be, and what I gravitate towards. He is showing me who I am in Him, and what my desires are (again). I am starting to get that vision for my life back, and it's honestly so much more different. That process I went through last year, though it was difficult, did a lot for me. I realized a lot of scars and insecurities I had, and Jesus was able to help me see and fix those. Now, my dreams are "crazier" and "out there", but also more put together. Jesus and I are aiming for those goals, and we'll get there! I can just feel this year is going to be the "dreams come true" year for us!