Daniel and I have been reading an awesome book called "Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is designed mostly for couples who are struggling in their marriage to have peace; it shows a unique perspective on how to keep the peace and restore passion, love and respect in the relationship. A friend of mine told me about the book, and I thought it would be cool to read it, mainly for research purposes. As I was reading it, although Daniel and I aren't married, I noticed the same patterns in our own relationship. And since we are on the path to marriage one day, I thought it would be a good idea to give Daniel a copy as well (in Spanish, of course;).
So we began to read it together, chapter by chapter, and we promised to keep an open mind, even if we didn't agree with one of the ideas. The concept for me, was strange. The book talks about how men and women are wired; that women NEED love to thrive in a relationship, and men NEED respect. For me, I couldn't understand completely - my mind was telling me "But it says in the Bible that love is the most powerful thing. Daniel NEEDS love. We all need love. How can you say that respect is greater?" But then, I had promised to keep an open mind. So when Daniel and I skyped to talk about the chapter we read the first day, I couldn't believe his response! He said "This guy gets me! he understands me! I feel like he wrote this book jut for me! Every line I read I have a desire to yell 'YES! Exactly!' And it's good for you too, Sarah! It's like he's explaining our whole relationship to us!" Wow. So, I guess Daniel does need respect...pretty badly. And although I'm not as bad as some of the examples of women in the book, I can, without even knowing it, be disrespectful to Dani - and that makes him feel terrible! It crushes his heart, and I had no idea!
I so easily demand love from him, but it is completely foreign to me to think "I need to give him respect." Because I am a woman, and I mainly operate out of love, I think "I need to make sure I make him feel loved." But what love is to me, respect is to him.
This brings me to my point of this blog post. We reached a point in the book, and it hit a hard place in my heart. I had no idea I even dealt with this problem; but he explained it so well, and I started to understand myself. As we continued reading the book, of course the topic came up about "the man is the head in the relationship." I didn't know why, but that was a hard pill to swallow. I would find myself, when Daniel and I would talk about it, insert my own idea "Yes, but we are also equal!" Without even knowing it, I was totally afraid of taking a back seat in my relationship with Dani. I was overcome with fear that I would have to give up part of myself when Daniel and I got married. He would become "the boss" of me, and I would no longer be able to make my own decisions. Obviously, I had the wrong perception on marriage, and what a man's role is in the relationship.
As I began to feel wilted with this worry, we reached a part of the book that addressed this issue. The headline "The Husbands Are To Value Wives As Equals". My heart sang! Finally, we could address this extremely irrational worry of mine. He pointed out 1 Peter 3:7, which talks about how husbands are supposed to "show her honor as a fellow HEIR of the grace of life". He explained what being the "head" of the relationship means, in a language I totally understood. A man is not the head of the relationship so that he can "have the last say" or "be the boss" - that would be dysfunctional. A relationship is made of two, equal people who share in the adventure of life, and make decisions TOGETHER.
He explained it like this - "[The husband] is her equal, but is called upon to be the first to provide, to protect - and even to die if necessary... Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills his role. And when she does, it motivates him, not because he is arrogant, but because of how God has constructed him. Few husbands walk around claiming, "I'm first among equals!" The husband with goodwill (and good sense) knows this isn't his right, but it is his responsibility. She, on the other hand, possesses something within that thirsts to be valued as "first in importance." Nothing energizes her more! She is not self-centered. God placed this in her by nature."
So, I won't "take a back seat", or fade into non-existence, or lose myself completely in marriage. No. Rather, I will flourish as who God made me! I can still be strong and independent - my husband isn't seeking to boss me around, or take all the glory. Daniel, actually, loves to see me shine! He is always encouraging me to do things that will show who I am, my personality. He wants me to leave my mark on the world! He has no desire to be in control of me, or even to have the last say in a decision. He wants us to be on the same page; and as a man, he wants to protect and provide for me. Doesn't he deserve respect from me? His heart is so big and beautiful, and he cares so much for me, how could I deny him this thing that he absolutely NEEDS to survive, simply because of my own false perceptions?
How can I, as a woman, demand constant love from him, and then not give him respect? He is giving me what I need most to thrive, so why wouldn't I do the same for him? Sometimes it is unnatural for Daniel to show me love. That is just truth. Sometimes he just doesn't get it. And sometimes (actually a lot) my first response is not to show him respect - it is to love him. That's because that is my nature.
There is a flip side to my worry - something that is a sacrifice for me. In some way, I will have to give up some of my independence for marriage. I won't be single anymore. I can't look at everything like "I can do it alone! Don't help me!" That would absolutely suffocate my marriage completely! Daniel and I sometimes struggle with that. He says "Why don't you let me help you!?" It is his desire to help me, rescue me, make sure I succeed. But I am so used to doing things alone, that it is unnatural to accept help from anyone. I will have to work on that. Because a relationship, again, is two people.
There will be sacrifices on both sides - that is life. You can't hold on to everything you had in the single life, because your life changes in marriage. Your roles change.
