Where is home...?

For me, home really is where the heart is. My home isn't where I sleep, where I hang out, where I eat, where I play. It's where my heart is; with the people I love. I guess you could say I have many homes. But right now, I'd say my home is in Redding California. I was only there for 1 year, but the relationships I made there were deep and meaningful. I fell in love with them! They were such a big part of my journey to "grow up". I couldn't have asked for better friends and family.

My heart is torn now. I'm back with my parents and siblings in Florida, but it isn't the same. I think the roots I put down in California were deeper than I thought. So deep even, I sometimes wonder about moving there permanently (even though I know that isn't possible...at least not for a long time). And of course, I wouldn't do anything that wasn't in God's plan (not intentionally, anyway). But I do miss California like crazy! I miss the people. I miss feeling at home.

It's ok

Down on my knees, down on my face
You just say, it's ok
So many days I've thrown away
But you just say, it's ok
I don't think I could ever repay
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

It's ok. It's ok
It's ok, It's ok
You've become my embrace
Just tell me that it's ok
Your precious words intoxicate
A heart that aches, it's ok.

-Mute Math, OK

Revisiting Dreams

I realized this morning as I was "reflecting" on my life, that I have a lot of lost dreams; things I have just given up on. I guess I felt they could never come to pass. I wrote all of them down in my journal so I wouldn't forget this time. Dreams are important, and no matter how unattainable they may seem, they should sill be held close.

My biggest dream is my career (it's kind of a lot of little dreams thrown into one). I want to be a writer of books and a journalist for a magazine. I want to travel the world and write about the different cultures and people. With the money for some of my writings, I want to donate to charities and organizations that help Special Needs children and their families get the care that they need! I want to employ "Pay it Forward" in my life. I want to have enough money to bless people around me.

Another dream is to have a bakery/restaurant/cafe. I don't know how this would happen, or how I would fit it into my life...but it's something I've wanted to do my entire life!

Those are my big dreams. The dreams I want more than anything. I pray for opportunities to live my dreams everyday. I know Papa only wants the best for me, and He loves our happiness. I believe He will show me how to accomplish these dreams.

Seasons

I love when the seasons change. I feel like I change with them. The air feels crisp and clear, cool and bright; and that's how I feel too. Jesus is taking me on a ride. Maybe it's self-discovery. I know that sounds corny, and straight out of a commercial, but I really feel He's showing me who I am. It feels good.

For instance, He's showing me how silly I am and how much I enjoy entertaining. I decided that I would fully embrace this "self-discovery" movement I seem to be in, and for the first step I took my "Personality Test" online. It told me I was an ESFP, which is interesting because when I read it I realized that that's how I used to act all the time. When I was younger I loved entertaining people and putting on a show, and I lost that little bit of me (which I consider to be a very key part of who I am). Of course I still showcase it sometimes, but not as often. The test results also made me realize why I act the way I do sometimes...why I'm always wanting to go on an adventure or just have fun. An ESFP loves having fun and enjoying life. When I feel like I can't do that I get "bogged" down.

So to sum up, my future posts may be a little jumbled (kinda like this one), probably since I'm still trying to figure things out. Good luck with your reading! (:

My Shepherd

God is my shepherd
I won’t be wanting
I won’t be wanting

He makes me rest
in fields of green
with quiet streams

Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying

I will not fear
Cause You are with me
You are with me

Your shepherd’s staff
comforts me
You are my feast
in the presence of enemies
Surely goodness
will follow me
follow me
In the house of God forever

-The House of God, Forever by Jon Foreman

Of course, this is a take off of everyone's favorite psalm - the one psalm everyone knows (Christian or not). Psalm 23. Those words send comfort to our hearts, knowing that the Shepherd knows His sheep and would not lead them astray.

Wreck Me

God loves messing with us. I really believe that. But especially me. I think He purposefully chose me at the beginning of everything to be the one He picked on the most. He likes messing up my plans (makes sense when my plans aren't His plans), messing up my relationships (makes sense when those relationships are more than what they should be), and messing with my time! He just makes a big to-do about everything! And then He makes me clean it up. Come on, now! Seriously?

Then I stop and think. Well, He isn't really the one that messed everything up. It was me. He just brought it all into the light so that WE could deal with it together. That's the great thing about God. He doesn't just leave me alone to clean up my messes...He helps me through it. Don't get me wrong, it's totally rough - and let's be honest, it just plain sucks! But He has a way of making me feel good in the process, because I know that He's bringing me something new to start over. Something new to live for, and something better to smile at!

I've been in this tough place lately. I just don't feel happy. And that's hard to deal with for me, because I'm always happy! My whole life I've been the one who has the positive outlook on any situation, and can laugh at just about anything. Not now, though. I guess it's just because I'm far more sensitive in this place of change. It's so uncomfortable, but it has to be done. God is teaching me to focus on Him and not on other people. I can't be caught up in worry. Worried about failed relationships, worried about saying the right thing (or saying the wrong thing...which seems to be happening a lot lately), worried worried worried. Blah blah blah. I'm done with it. Or at least, I'm trying to be done with it.

God is good. That's what I have to focus on at the end of the day. And no amount of stress, or grief, or unhappiness can change His goodness in my situation. He will always be faithful, good and true.

Runner

I tend to be quite passionate. But when I really find that which I am so passionate about, I kind of run the opposite direction. I guess I'm on a quest to find out why I do that. It must be a deeper issue than I can really see. Something bigger than I realize.

Adventure

Well, it's that time again. That time in my heart when I feel like running off on an adventure! Leaving everything and everyone to explore my heart, God's heart, and the hearts of others. I really think I have an explorer deep inside of me, just waiting to burst out! Explorers need certain things. Freedom, Adventure, Culture, and other beautiful musings. But are they just musings? Or can I have all of them? When will I travel and see the beauty the world holds?

There's so much more in the world than just my current surroundings. Don't you ever just get tired of seeing the world through news reporters? Don't you ever just wish you could see it for yourself? Well...I really do.

Keep Me

Keep Me
Words/Music: Ian McIntosh


Here I stand before You
Here I bare my soul
Here I am longing
To see Your face

Keep me, keep me near you

Here I am undone
Here I am in awe
Here I lay my life down
To know Your ways

Keep me, Keep me Near You

Psalm 34:10

The last part of this verse has been my focus lately: "..those who seek the Lord lack no good thing". God is good. He is full of everything we need and could ever want. He holds our destiny in His hand, and His will for us is perfect. When we seek Him, we will find Him. Therefore, we find our destiny, and we "lack no good thing."

Come Back To Me

The last couple of weeks I've struggled to get into the secret place with God, which is incredibly uncommon for me. I can usually get to that place fast and easy, and feel totally refreshed after I "leave". I even found myself saying to God "I miss you", as if I couldn't even feel Him around me. That led to me sort of giving up on trying to press into Him, which, as I realize now, was the total opposite of what God wanted me to do. He wanted to see me press in even more for Him, searching Him out, not settling until I found Him. I caught on a few days ago when I was sitting on my bed in the morning. My morning routine, for quite a while now, has always included soaking with Him. So I found myself totally lost, because I didn't feel like pressing in and working for His presence. But in that moment of loss and confusion, I realized that I would rather press in and find Him (or if I didn't find Him, still say that I tried), than to not have Him at all!!

There are seasons in our lives. One season I've been very familiar with was "ease". Everything was easy and I really just had to wait on Him. Then there's this unfamiliar season of pushing, and waiting for a response. It's unsettling, but I think as long as I get Him in the end...it's totally worth it!

Hazy

A veil. Hazy. Foggy. Mystery. That's what my life feels like right now. Like, everything is hiding from me - the answers are hardly ever clear. It can get so frustrating. God likes to keep everything on the DL until right before something happens.

Just to clue you in; I'm a planner. I may not be the most organized planner, but a planner none-the-less. I like knowing what I'm going to do before I do it. God, on the other hand, likes to break me out of my nice cozy shell and make everything super duper crazy! Ahhh! Sometimes I get tempted to tell Him to stop, but that would be pretty stupid. God knows what He's doing. And I can't bare the thought of Him actually stopping whatever He does just cause my head got in the way!

It is hard, though. Bittersweet, I guess you could say. On one hand, there's the realization that God knows what He's doing (no duh!) and always has my best interest at heart. And on the other hand there's my own need to know exactly what's going on at all times (pretty overrated if you ask me). But that's still how I feel, and it's hard to change that.

If we really think about it, we're in a struggle (I have this need to pull you into this too so I'm not alone. Hence the "we".) We sit there and we ask God for more adventure. "Oh God. I'm so bored with my life! Please, I just want to have a little adventure!" and blah blah blah (don't worry, I've prayed something like that, too). Then when He gives us what we want we're all like "Whoa whoa whoa Daddy! Hold the phone! Things are getting crazy...slow this buggy down!" Sheesh. We need to make up out pretty little minds. What do we want? Well, duh, we always want the opposite of what we have. Not always, but I really like using that word...it feels more powerful than "sometimes".

God will always give us what we need, though. If I can't figure it out, I know He will. And even if I feel like I'm being tossed around the boat, I can at least settle my soul with the simple knowledge that He controls the storm.

Til Kingdom Come

Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

-Coldplay

Making Changes

I am only starting to realize why I'm here in South Florida. I needed to make changes in my life; changing things I thought were fine the way they were. I forgot how much little things bring me joy. I kind of put my love and passion for writing on the shelf while I was in California. I didn't really have the time to do it with all of the homework I needed to get done, and then after school was over I was just so busy looking for a job or hanging out with friends. I forgot what makes me go crazy; what makes me smile; what makes my heart go THUMP THUMP. I also kind of left my creative, colorful glow tucked away.

Now here I am. Getting out all of those things I've missed so much. I got my typewriter out, my paint, all of my colorful pieces of paper, etc. I'm doing projects again. I'm not distracted all the time, having to find a job or find a place that's quiet. I've found my place of solitude again. And oh how I've missed it.

Then again, I feel like I'm living in two worlds. God taught me things in California that I couldn't have learned anywhere else. I won't forget it, either. Now it's time for me to take those teachings and learn something new. So here I am. In a totally different world, learning things that I never would have thought of; but it's what I need. I can't short circuit the process. Every detail in life is important. This phase is just as important as the last one. So, let's seize the moment, shall we?

South Florida

Being in Redding California for the past year, Boca Raton FL was a bit of a surprise to me. My family moved here while I was away, and I had never been. Driving around town, I felt like I was in a totally different country! Every building has pillars, a lot of the buildings are a weird pinkish/salmon color, TONS of palm trees everywhere, it rains every day for at least 5 minutes and you can feel the affect in the air (humidity), the drivers are so rude (I've learned that Miami ladies are NOT to be messed with on the road, or in the checkout at a grocery store for that matter). It takes an hour to run one errand, where as in Redding it may have taken 10-20 minutes, tops! The men treat women as if they were just a piece of ___...yeah. My sister has at LEAST 20 guys on her back at work. It's kind of a bit ridiculous. Simple things in the grocery store cost at least twice as much, even at Publix (a place for low prices). It's a different world.

Since being home, I've been learning how to keep my relationship with God on fire (not a low setting on the stove...a fire!) It takes more time and persistence than it ever has. The atmosphere is totally different, and everything is distracting! You really have to buckle down and know what's REALLY important to you. Focus. Focus. Focus. That's what I have to do. Even though I feel like getting back into my old sarcastic, fast paced way of thinking, I have to stop and remember who I really am and what I learned this past year. My close friend, Sam, told me that when he first met me I was mean and sarcastic. That was true. I really was. Because I believed my humor was the only thing I "had goin for me"...so I tried to use it to impress. But really, he said it was a total turn off. Thank God he didn't give up on me with that first impression! He got to know the real me, kind of showed me who the real me was. A lot of my friends helped me with that, and God showed me my true identity in Him. It's hard not falling back into that competitive, sarcastic thinking pattern. It's true, in a large family it can get competitive. I have to remember who I am, and that people would still love me without my "brutal sense of humor". Not to say I'm not sarcastic sometimes...but I don't need to take it to the next level (meaning, tearing people down).

A Song For The Road

I wrote a song called "A Prayer of Moses" from a psalm in the Bible. It goes like this:

"Satisfy me in the morning with Your unfailing love, that I may sing for joy and be glad the rest of my days. Make me glad for as many years as I have seen trouble. And may Your blessings be shown to me; Your splendor to Your child. May Your favor rest upon me. Establish the work of my hands - yes, establish the work of my hands."

I feel this song closer to my heart now than when I first wrote it. It's good for me to focus on His unfailing love right now, and focus on joy. I feel like this is a song for new things - a prayer for Him to establish me and bring me favor as I go into the unknown. As I travel back home, I carry this song in my heart.

(if you would like to hear the song, visit my music page: www.myspace.com/saraheveproject

Goodbye's are never easy

As many people know, I make connections with people easily. Most people don't believe that you can have deep connections with more than a couple people, but it feels like I have deep connections with almost everyone I meet. Of course there are different levels of connections...there has to be for it be healthy. However, I do connect with people more than others.

I went through school this past year in Redding California. I had 700 something classmates; all whom I wanted to know. I got to know quite a bit of them, and every day with them was wonderful. I learned how to be confrontational, strong, beautiful and full of life. I learned how to be myself around them. I never imagined being away from them. I guess I never thought we would lead different lives again. But that's how things go.

I'm going home to Miami, for at least the summer. It will be hard leaving the people and the culture. I'll be living a totally different life, without the people I learned to call family. They mean a lot to me, and I hope with all my heart I can come back for a second year with them. You all are amazing, and I love you. You guys have changed my life, and helped me see that loving people isn't a waste. You all are beautiful people.

To my brothers: You helped me see that I'm a princess, and you protected and loved me like one. You also didn't let me use that against you, and you put me in my place on more than one occasion. I am so very thankful for the car ride conversations, the starbucks sit ins, the homework parties, the worship nights, the inside jokes, and the warm hugs. Oh and thanks for letting me cook for you. You guys made me feel beautiful and safe. Thanks. :)

To my sistahs: Where to begin. You all have been some of the biggest influences in my life. You were real with me, and didn't let me get away with crap. You modeled to me what strong women of God look like and let me be myself completely around you. Thanks for the sleepovers, the ice cream dates, the cook-offs, the cook-ins ;), (the cooking in general), the back and forth bantering, the movie nights, the worship nights, and all the fun all year. You beautiful strong women are lights in my life. I love you all.

To my small group: I can't begin to say how influential you were in my life. I needed you guys and you were there for me. When I had something amazing, or hard happen I could tell you! I never felt that deep deep connection that all 5 of us had together. I got 2 sisters and 2 mommas from our group, and it was amazing!! I will never forget your words of wisdom, and your ability to stay grounded. I'm thankful to have seen the transformation in all of you, and to have learned from each of you. Love you!

Moving On

It feels significant, packing my whole life into boxes and standing back looking at an empty room. I remember the first time I did that, almost a year ago. I stayed up all night packing, getting ready to fly across the country for school. Now, even though I'm not flying across the country, it feels even more significant. This is a new beginning, and God is going to bless it.

There's always a bittersweet feeling when you're leaving your past behind and traveling on to new and greater things. I know, though, that God blesses the faithful and obedient. If I stay in His will than I'll be better than just fine.

So, cya bedroom, cya past. Hello future, you look beautiful and bright.

The long journey

It seems like I've realized more of who I am since school has been out than I did while school was in process. I haven't been surrounded by people all day. I've had to take a step back and examine my life. To be honest, some of the things I was presented with were shocking. My character was tested so many times in so many ways. I had to ask myself "why do I feel this way?" or "why am I acting like this" more times than I can count. It showed me who I could be if I took the high road, and who I could be if I took the low road.

There is no middle road. There is no room for lukewarmness. We must make a decision. Papa showed me how strong I am, and how capable I am. It helped me get through what I was struggling with. It helped me get back to His comfortable embrace.

What I battled with the most these past few weeks were my emotions. I seemed to be getting upset over the silliest things. I was letting people dictate my actions and my feeling, which is never a good thing. I called my dad at one point and he told me "Sarah, you have to ask yourself why you are so affected by what happened." Why would I get so upset over something so silly? Did I feel threatened? I began asking myself questions similar to those, and it only led to more and more questions that led to even more questions. Eventually I came to several conclusions, with the help of Holy Spirit.

It was a hard process, and it certainly isn't over. It seems to go on forever. But I'm finding out who I am and what I possess inside of me.

Butterflies in my stomach

There's something that makes us dangerous when we're in love. I am emphatically and affectionately in love. My heart belongs to a King, a Lover, a Servant, a Man. He is my Hero. He continues to save me (as if saving me once wasn't enough), and showing me what it is to be pursued and sought after. The life I lead is full of adventure and risk, highs and lows, whispers and kisses. I am on a romantic climb with the One who loves deeper than Song of Solomon knows how to express. He created me for His love, and I'm sure for His entertainment. ;) He enjoys my silliness. In fact, He created it. He finds so much enjoyment in who I am, that while I'm falling in love with Him, He's falling in love with me.

Jesus. The only One who knows me better than I know myself. The only One who continues to take my breathe away every day. The One who surprises me with all the little things He says. He sure doesn't whisper sweet "nothings" in my ear...but He sure does whisper sweet "somethings". I cling to every word He speaks, just waiting for the next one, ready to experience His goodness.

This is a dangerous love. In this love we realize Who we belong to. I think that's one of the most important things we could ever grasp.

Whimsical Listenings

I've been listening to music that makes me think of whimsy at it's finest. I created a playlist and attached it to my blog, so that you all can enjoy some of my recently favored musics. I like to play it mostly when I'm painting or just dreaming of the future. And I like to think of what it would be like to be a child again. Silly, obviously, but the music makes me think about all of those silly natured things.

Bittersweet

There's this feeling that comes slightly painfully, wonderfully easily, softly, and hardly even there, when we draw close to the end of something. The realization that all of our experiences and wonderment are coming to a head - to the end - hits us like a bowling ball flying through the air. It's sudden, and you sure don't expect it.

Then, like water rushing over you, the realization that in this moment all things are new and there's another beginning coming your way, clothes you. It's like a whisper in your ear, sweet and soft, and gives you courage for a new day. Yes, it's the end of something wonderful, but it's the beginning of the rest of your life. This calls for strength to embrace! - Embrace our destiny!

My heart makes connections easily and simply. It's hard for me to say goodbye, because my heart feels like it's being torn. When really, it's being expanded! Sometime's this has the same feeling and tendencies. I always think after I meet someone that there can't be enough room in my heart for anyone else. I fill it up so quickly and easily. But then I manage to fit more people in there, with the same love and affection as the last. It's bewildering to me! But it soothes me, when I think of the connections I've made this year. I may be saying goodbye, but that doesn't mean I let them go.

BFF

Best friends spend time together; loads and loads of time together. They're always sitting next to each other, debriefing each other about their days over a long conversation, getting coffee, eating together, having sleep overs, laughing, etc. you can always tell who someones best friend is.

God's best friend's, I think, are the ones who spend the most time with Him.

Family

As a child your family is usually your whole world. You grow up with your siblings, and they play a huge part in who you become. They belong to you, and you belong to them. Your parents are supposed to be an example of God's authority in your life...helping you make the right decisions to guide your life, until you learn to hear God's voice clearly (in my opinion, anyway).

Once you move away you start reconstructing your life. You find people who become a part of a different type of family. People who you treat with the same love, but they're missing a certain quality. They don't know your history like your blood relatives do. It doesn't matter how far you move away, or how little you speak to them, your real family can never be replaced.

My family is a unique one. We all have different personalities, and different callings on each of our lives. I grew up home schooled, so I was with my family almost all the time. They know me so well, which means they know how to make me laugh, but they also know how to ____ the heck outa me (I left that one word out, because I learned today that my little brother isn't allowed to say it...haha). However, I don't think they can ever be replaced. My older brother will always be my older brother. No amount of "big brothers" I acquire at Bethel could ever replace him. My sister, Rachel, will always be my best friend. We went through a long season of love/hate...but I love her to death. No matter how many girlfriends I acquire here at Bethel, none of them could replace her.

That applies to all of my siblings. Leah, Ariel and Jonathan too. They are my heart. I love them all so much. They're my family. My parents are great. I am only realizing this now that I'm older. Ha. They've always been amazing, but as a kid you kind of take them for granted...like "oh, they'll ALWAYS be here." They both have unique gifts and ways. They're great parents. They've taught me a lot, and helped me grow in my gifts and callings, and always encouraged me to be myself and no one else.

Your family is probably quiet, the perfect amount of peaceful, humble, and highly educated. Well my family is crazy, way too big, way too loud, and way better than yours. ;)

Dreams

Before school started I wrote out 100 dreams that I wanted to see happen in my life. Not all for that year, just for my entire life. Today in class Danny Silk spoke on dreams, and said that he did the same thing. He wrote out 100 dreams for his life and continues to add onto them. Well, I went back and looked at my dreams. I had put check boxes next to each one, but hadn't gone back to look at them since I had written them.

These are a few dreams that have come true this year, already:

1. Travel to a poor country and work with children

2. See my prophetic gift get stronger

3. See blind eyes opened

4. Lead someone to Christ

Those are a couple that I've seen happen. It's crazy to think that God remembered those dreams, even when I didn't! He worked it out so that I went on the trip to Mexico, and led a group in children's ministry (making number 1 a reality). It's just...beautiful. Beautiful to think He cares about my dreams even when I don't think about them.

Love Is Tricky

I think it takes a strong person to fall in love. You have to put your heart in someone else's hands and trust they don't hurt it. We have to decide if it's worth it. There's a chance we could walk away bruised and hurt. But there's a chance we won't have to walk away at all. There's a chance you've found that one person who is completely perfect for who you are. Your other half.

I have this fascination with the heart. With love. I think the heart was created for love; to love. We just get so caught up protecting it, we forget that. We forget that love is like the blood our heart needs to pump - to survive. We've been starving ourselves of love for far too long. It's time to hand someone the keys and be vulnerable. It's time we trust again.

Hope & Expectation

Mornings, lately, have brought a new hope to me. I don't feel tired or sluggish. I wake up with an expectation for great things! Jesus meets me exactly where I'm at, sweeps me off my feet, and we go on our morning adventures. It's the perfect way to start the day. Jesus has a way with me that keeps me smiling all day long, hoping and waiting for something great.

It's true what William Styron says, "It is hopelessness, even more than pain, that crushes the soul". Hope gives us something to look forward to each day. That expectation for Jesus to meet us. It's what keeps us going. It's such a beautiful thing.

The heart of the matter

I had finished writing this blog post about an hour ago, and ended up erasing all of it. Sometimes what I want to say doesn't have to be as big as everyone wants to make it. So I erased the 5 paragraphs explaining what I'm about to say.

My heart isn't what I thought it was. My whole life, leading up to this past week, I've tried to make myself the tough one. One who's heart can't be broken, and one who doesn't open her gate to anyone. But I realized that there comes a time when you can't protect your heart anymore. You have to give it to someone else to protect. Love isn't love unless you share it. I realized that all of my efforts to protect my heart were pointless. I was trying to keep the key to my heart hidden from everyone. The problem with that is, it doesn't leave room for someone to know you truly and intimately the way God intended it to be. God created us to know one another deeply. Yes, it leaves room for hurt and heartache, but it's a love so passionate - a love I'm not willing to miss out on anymore.

You can protect your heart to an extent. It does say to guard your heart in the Bible...but not so much that you leave no room for intimacy. The One who made me is the One I can trust my heart with. He will protect it, and nudge me along. He'll let me know who to let in. I used to think that because my heart is soft, and my heart is easily taken, that I couldn't give it to anyone. I would be cheating so many people out of a real love if I chose not to give my heart to anyone because I may get hurt. That's so ridiculous. God made my heart the way it is for a reason. There are people in the world who need to know me intimately. God made my heart for people. To keep it to myself would be a crime.

Don't keep your heart to yourself. It was made for others. Your heart is on display - let people see the love God has put inside of you. Dare to be vulnerable. It'll sure set you free. :)

I think God decided to show me all of this now, for a reason. This time in my life there are changes. He's bringing along people, so I will be forced to open my heart to them. It will be hard to trust people not to make a mess of me...but we were made for each other. We were made to lean on another. We need real, honest, intimate relationship. Plus, it's preparing me for that one relationship I've wanted for a while. God's timing is perfect.

Passion

Maybe it's this way with everyone, but around this time (the beginning of the end of something) I get so restless. I want to go off on an adventure. I want to step into what God has for me. I long, very deeply, for passion and passionate people. Passion, around this time, becomes a must. After going to school for this long, I start to see what I need to be around to survive. Passion is one of those things.

I need to be around people who are passionately pursuing something. Passionately going after what is in their hearts. I just can't stand to sit still right now. I need that passion. And as much as it makes me ravishingly jealous of those passionate people when I'm around them, in order to get what they have I NEED to surround myself with them. I really can't describe the longing inside for passion. I need it - I want it - I MUST have it.

Honor

Honor:

personal integrity: strong moral character or strength, and adherence to ethical principles

respect: great respect and admiration

dignity: personal dignity that sometimes leads to recognition and glory

esteem somebody or something: to have or show great respect and admiration for somebody or something

keep promise: to keep a promise, or fulfill the terms of an agreement or contract

Whether we agree with someone or not; whether we think they deserve honor or not, it is up to us to be honorable to everybody we meet. We owe it. Everybody, whether they are saints or sinners, should be honored because they are children of the Most High. They belong to God. If you speak disrespectfully to someone, you're dishonoring God's child. If we realize who we belong to, it would be much easier to honor the people around us.

Honor is worth a lot. An honorable man is better than a rich man. Someone who's word is solid and true. Let's be honorable people and show respect to our brother's and sister's in everything we do. Trust me, I'm working on it too. I don't have it down yet...I have to constantly apologize for speaking to people disrespectfully. The point is - make an effort. Make it a lifestyle to be a person of honor. Humble yourself.

Honor isn't just about showing respect to someone greater than yourself. It's about showing respect to everyone. Even the lowest person. Get low, and God will raise you up.

Past Hopes

I have a lot of dreams. Lots. They're big and grand, and usually crazy. One of my dreams is to move to Ireland for a little while and learn some music there, and then come back to the states and record a CD called "The heart of the matter". I would want to go alone, live in a cottage close to a big field, and spend as much time as I can with Jesus. Weird, I know.

I see myself with a suitcase, my guitar, and my camera. I want so badly to go search out these places. Be in the midst of different cultures, learning everything I can from them! I want to learn piano, own a big room with wood floors where I can put a grand piano and a love seat - and just play music in there. I think piano is beautiful, and I regret not taking lessons as a child.

I want to own a restaurant - small and local - where I can minister to the people who come in. I would want to know all of the customers, and call them by name. Make them all feel loved. This dream isn't quite one that I'm striving for right now. I can't see how it fits into what I want to do in ministry...which is a bummer.

The truth about ourselves

The only way we can truly know who we are is being in a relationship with Jesus. He knows who we are in heaven; what we're known for; who He created us to be. What we ACT like here on earth, is not exactly who we ARE in heaven. Who we are in heaven is who Jesus planned for us to be all along.

Last night, I got fed up with my sarcasm (that's sayin a lot when you get fed up with your own sarcastic humor), and decided to take it to God. I didn't like the way I felt when I used sarcasm to put me in a higher place over another person. The only way I can really get to a higher place is through Jesus, anyway. So I told God "I hate this part of me." He quietly, and kind of with a chuckle, said "But Sarah Eve, that isn't even who you are! Check this out!" And He started showing me who I really was. He created me with a great sense of humor, and I don't need to use sarcasm to be funny. He told me all of His "opinions" of who I am to Him, and who He made me to be. It totally wrecked me. So I took out my notebook and wrote down everything that He told me.

After all of that, I read over the list. It's really long and deep, but truth. Now that I know who I really am, I have to practice being that. Obviously, it won't all come natural, because I've lost that sense of who I am in the Kingdom - but I can certainly practice. Practice makes perfect. And although I may never be perfect, I can certainly be righteous.

Song Writing from the Psalms

Today I decided to shake it up a bit and write some music to a Psalm. I wrote it from Psalm 90:14-17

"Satisfy me in the morning with Your unfailing love, that I may sing for joy and be glad the rest of my days. Make me glad for as many years as I have seen trouble. May Your blessings be shown to me; Your splendor to Your child. May Your favor rest upon me. Establish the work of my hands - yes, establish the work of my hands."

Here's the link to listen to it: http://www.myspace.com/saraheveproject

It's called "A Prayer of Moses" :)

Presenting a Treasure

My entire life has been what Esther's life was like in those months she was being "prepared" for the king. I haven't told very many people my testimony, but I felt it was time. When I was 13 I made a promise of purity with myself and with God, and also decided not to date until I turned 19. If you know me, even a little, you can ONLY imagine how hard it was for me not to give my heart to someone. I love connection - intimacy, sharing secrets, things like that. But I promised to let God work on my heart through my teenage years, to prepare me for my future "king" (or prince...whatever). In those years, He transformed me. He gave me a fragrance straight from heaven. A fragrance that my husband will be very attracted to.

Something I've learned over the past month (since I turned 19), I'm still in that preparation season. Until He brings that guy (which I am open to finding now, since I'm "of age" so to speak) I am still being lavished with that fragrance, and being trained. Just because I reached the age where I am now available, doesn't necessarily mean that my guy is ready. I think God is testing me right now, seeing if I really want a prince, or if I just want someone to lean on. Um...thanks but no thanks, I think I'll wait for my prince.

I'm not just a girl. I'm a warrior princess. I have a lot to offer. I have a treasure I've been storing up for a LONG time. I went through a lot to get to this point, and I'm not about to throw it to the first guy who gives me a look. Check out all the stories, guys. The knight has to EARN the woman's love. He has to show himself worthy. You gotta be some outstanding guy to get this girls attention. So fellas, don't be thinking you can get any girl you want with a simple kiss on the cheek. You have to fight just like she has fought. She didn't go through the battle, to get some wussy who copped out of the fight. "He's gotta be fresh from the fight", Imogen Heap would say.

I am His promise

God is saying to us, "I will draw you to Me forever in righteousness, in justice, in mercy. No longer your Master, but your Husband I will be. You have ravished My heart with one glance from your eyes. How fair is your love, My promise, My bride. I will draw you and Me together in loving kindness, in faithfulness, in grace."

-Song by Brian Johnson

God knows our hearts. He knows us better than we know ourselves. It astounds me that He can still love me with a greater love, even when I'm not fully aligned with His plans and purposes. He can still find me more beautiful than ever, even when I'm in the middle of ugly. We have a good, romantic God. I don't ever want to take Him for granted...He's too wonderful to let go. I want to enjoy everything about Him.

Princes and Princess'

Prince:

1. a person who is chief or preeminent in any class or group.

2. a person possessing admirably fine and genial characteristics.

3. a man who is a ruler of a principality.

Princess:

1. the consort of a prince (the wife of a prince).

2. a woman who is a ruler of a principality.

3. regal.

I think it's about time we step into the roles we were created to lead all along. Men, be the princes God has called you to be. Treat women as if they were jewels, and they will treat you as princes. Women, treat men with respect and don't act spiteful or overbearing - be a princess, so he can feel free to draw out your beauty with his strength. It says in Proverbs 31:10 "An excellent wife, who can find? She is far more precious than jewels." Be excellent women, and they will treat you as jewels (and I don't mean for you to be perfect).

We need to realize who we are. "...in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue." -John Eldredge, Wild At Heart. Men want to swoop in to the rescue! Be a princess, women. Let him be the prince. It's okay to let him save you - let him be the man, and you be the woman.

I like to practice being a princess on my brothers. If I can be so secure in my royalty, as to treat my brothers around me as the princes they are, then I know I will be ready to treat my future husband that way.

Gardens

"Jesus let me see Your eyes. Let me feel Your embrace. Let me feel You all around me. Like Moses I'm crying "show me Your glory". Let me see what he longed to see. And just like Mary, God I'm choosing the good part...to sit here at Your feet. Just to sit here at Your feet."

"I was made to gaze all of my days. I was made to gaze on beauty. My Beloved is beautiful."

-Cory Asbury

One thing I have learned this week is that nothing is sweeter than my time with Jesus. I know that's something I should have learned a long time ago, and perhaps it was head knowledge, but now I know. From the core of my being, I know nothing can top the love of my Beloved. I can see a change in myself and in the way I respond to Him, just by knowing that no one and nothing is better than Him.

I don't know how to explain it at all. Something has shifted this week. I can't talk about Jesus without a deep desire for Him, or worship without crying or laughing. I can't say "Jesus is so Holy" without knowing it, and letting it sink deep inside of me. Just saying "He is so good to me. He is so faithful to my heart" makes me smile, and even begin to laugh. When other people talk about Him, I smile as if they were talking about my husband. I smile because they're talking about the One I spend every day with...and I love Him so much. I want all of my time to be spent with Him.

He enjoys taking me different places. One place in particular is a beautiful garden. There is a single park bench that overlooks the entire garden. There are vines that grow all around the garden, with different color flowers, but lily's in particular (because they're my favorite). There's always a sunset. No matter how long we spend there, the sun always stays at the edge of the horizon. I think it's because He knows sunset is my favorite time of the day, and one of my favorite things about nature. It's just like Him, too, to want to show me all the things I love. He knows how to woo us; how to make His way into the whole of our hearts.

Another thing He enjoys doing with me, is kissing me on my nose and forehead. To me, that's an extreme sign of intimacy. I never ask Him to, or think about it before He does it. It's always unexpected, but so wonderful. I will lean into Him, He will usually tell me something He loves about me like "you're so adorable", and then- He wins me heart over and over again. He never abandons the wooing process. He likes to take His time, and win me over a step at a time. I enjoy every moment of it. Looking into His eyes, feeling His embrace, letting Him tell me I'm beautiful, dancing with Him - all of it brings me closer to Him. Ask Him to give you eyes to see Him - to see how He is trying to woo your heart.

Jesus likes to tell us secrets

I have a unique connection with Jesus, where He seems to enjoy telling me things about other people. For the most part, I don't ask Him to tell me things about them; He just does. Usually, I will be in conversation with someone, or be passing by them, or just listening to them speak, when God will tell me something about them. He usually has one of two motives in this: One, for me to encourage that person with a word. Two, for me to further know that person and know how God sees them and their heart (this includes not telling the person what God showed me about them...which can sometimes be hard, especially if it's outrageously cool).

I like to remember the things He says about that person, because it gives me a lot of insight into who they are and what their hearts look like. However, often times I won't remember a single word of the prophecy I gave them, because it wasn't for me at all - it was only for them. I don't usually like to even call it a "prophecy", because to me it isn't. To me it's just a secret God wants to let me in on, and it usually just comes out of my relationship with Him. Whatever you would like to call it, though, I really do enjoy walking in it. It gives me special eyes and a special heart. I can now see people the way He sees them. Maybe not fully, but partially. I love it, either way.

Returning

Tonight I spent time with Jesus in a way I normally don't (but should more often). He took me to a lighthouse and sat with me for a while and told me all the things He loves about me. Some of the things He said He loved so much, I haven't done (or said) in a long time. I would turn to Him and give Him a strange look, and He would smile and say "that's still a part of who you are. And I love that about you." Some of it was so simple, like "I love that you are bubbly." I know He must have said this for a reason, because right before I went with Him I was thinking of how I wasn't as bubbly, or happy as I once was and how I wished I could return to it. And of course, my insecurity got to me this past week and I began to believe those little lies in my ears. He broke all of that off with the truth He spoke.

"I love when you laugh." This past week I was sitting in the conference and kept bursting out with my little bubbly laugh, and finally the man I was sitting next to turned to me and said "you have a very annoying laugh". I almost burst into tears right there. I had never thought about my laugh like that before, and I sure do LOVE to laugh. I didn't think I let it get to me too bad, until the next day when I told two of my friends about it, and realized how deep I let it go. Jesus broke that lie off of me by just saying "I love when you laugh".

"I love how excited you get over little things". Sometimes I think of myself as silly because I get so excited over small things. Like the color orange, or the fact that someone offers me my favorite drink when I'm at their house, or when I get a voicemail, or when someone has a prophetic word for me, or when someone writes on my wall on facebook (haha), etc. But Jesus told me He loves it.

"I love your hands." When He said this He took my hand in His and put a ring on my finger. I felt like I just became His. All His. :)

So, after talking with Jesus for while longer, I decided to see myself the way He sees me. He told me "you'll be better off that way, anyway". I laughed out loud when He said that. Jesus is a pretty funny guy (also really romantic. He loves kissing us). I'm returning to who I was originally planned to be.

Journal

At the beginning of the school year we were told to make journals. We did it in class, together, and the one I made was pretty good. It's mostly black and white, with a lot to do about love. Since I already had a journal, and wasn't even half way through with it, I decided to use the one I was making to write down my prophetic words and dreams/visions, etc. I had no idea I would be writing this much. The book is full of words I've gotten, and dreams I've had.

It's interesting to see - once you surround yourself with people who are constantly listening to what God might be speaking to them, you get a lot more prophetic words than before. I've decided that prophetic words are my love language (we can just put that in Words of Affirmation).

Letters

God encouraged me to write a letter to my future husband. It's funny, because it's something I used to do a lot as a little girl (8-13 years old). The letters were cute, not very well written and usually went something like this: "I can't wait to meet you. You're probably very very handsome. When I marry you I won't have to live with my parents anymore. We will have lots of fun together. And I'll be able to kiss!" Ha. I laugh at myself now, but really, how many 8 year olds (or even 13 year olds) are invested in a HUSBAND and not just a cute little boy they have a crush on? I was totally believing for a prince charming. I still am, of course, but I think as I got older I started to lose sight as to what prince charming would look like. I'm going back to that.

This past week I told Kris Vallotton what I had learned so far in school. It wasn't until later that I really thought about my answer. I said that I was learning to see myself as royalty, and I didn't mind being called princess. Well, if I'm royalty then I will marry royalty as well. Aka, prince charming. Hmm. So I wrote a letter to him.

The Secret Place

"I wrestled the angel for more than a name. For more than a feeling, for more than a cause. I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You', and You're raising the dead in me...life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago. Still, I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You.'" -Jon Foreman

Holy Spirit shows us if we have the wrong mindset. WE are the ones with the responsibility to change it (with the help of our Daddy, of course :). I did that today. I don't even feel like the same person I was 24 hours ago. I changed my view on something so radically, I don't think I'll be the same again. It's amazing that I'm going through school right now at Bethel, getting all of these teachings and wisdom, but the biggest impacts seem to happen in my secret place with the Father. The biggest revelations are things I may not tell a single soul. Things other people may never notice, but I can feel the difference.

I can sit in class all day saying "Tru dat" or "Come on", but the fact of the matter is, when I'm silent with Jesus that's when I'm changing. That's when I have healing. It's so wonderful.

Home

"Home. Let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you." -Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros.

I can be home on earth now. Ever since Jesus said to bring heaven to earth, He was giving us permission to be at home. A lot of people say that we're just renting these bodies until we die and go home (heaven). But I think it's more than that. I think we're meant to bring home here. We can experience everything wonderful about heaven right now. Papa is my heart. If home is where the heart is, then I'm always at home.

"Home is wherever I'm with you." This is true. If God is with me, then I can feel at home wherever I'm at. Heaven, God, etc, are all mysteries. But I want to discover them. Knowing that they're only a whisper away makes everything so much more enjoyable.

Goodbye.

I love relationships so much. I hate leaving people, and saying goodbye. I connect easily with others, which goes right to my heart. I don't consider everyone a best friend, but I do consider a lot of people close friends. People whom I love, and would die for. It's so hard for me to leave what I know and travel far away. Maybe I depend too much on those around me, but all I know is that I love these people and I don't want to say goodbye all over again.

The whole time I've been home visiting, I've been thinking how different it is here from school. How much more pleasant it is on the other side of the fence. But now that it's my last night in town I'm trying hard not to break down crying. Through all of my family's bickering and yelling and troubles - and all the drama my friends are going through, it's still SO hard to say goodbye. My little brother always reminds me of this. Tonight I came home to find him sitting upstairs waiting for me. He gave me a long 3 minute hug, which brought several tears to my eyes, and said "I love you, Sarah" with a shaky voice. OH - MY - GOSH. What is this kid trying to do to me? Make me regret leaving? That could make any woman cry her eyes out. The fact is, no matter what your life is like on the other side of the fence, your family and close friends can NEVER be replaced. You will always have a place in my heart. Forever.

Oh, to be a mother

Every time I take care of children it reminds me how much I want my own. My desire to have kids is WAY bigger than most single women. I haven't even started dating someone and I already have this deep want to have my own kids. I always question myself like "Is this okay? Is this something I'm allowed to want right now?" I always end up asking someone else and they usually answer with "You're too young to worry about that. Be a 'kid' for as long as you can."

The thing is, I don't feel like a kid. I mean, I'm silly and childlike, but I don't feel like a kid. I feel like a grown woman who wants children. I look at all of my 30+ friends who aren't married but want to be. They've waited a long time, and are STILL waiting, and here I am at only 18 years old wanting to have kids now. People always think I'm just so discontent and naive. Discontent isn't the right word - impatient, however, for a promise to be fulfilled is probably how I would describe my state of mind. I want kids. I was promised that I would be a mother. And I'm holding onto that. I'm chasing after it. You can call that discontent, or being naive, or whatever else. I know, though, that mothering is what I was created for (partially, of course), and I'm not letting go of that.