Conflicting Worlds

I want to talk about something that I've been thinking a lot about these past few weeks.  

A lot of my strong Christian friends stay in their circle of strong Christian friends (you know, their only friends are Christians who do Christian things and hang out with other Christian people and attend Christian churches and have Christian meetings with only Christians....). I'm not hating on them, I just don't agree with that way of living.

A couple months ago I overheard a conversation one of my friends was having with one of her own acquaintances. The woman speaking to my friend was talking about how she just got back from visiting family and how she was "put through" a rough time. She explained further by saying "how hard it is sometimes to be around people who don't believe in Christ", and "you know? It's just so hard.."

Excuse me? I mean, seriously? I'm glad Jesus doesn't think He's being "put through a rough time" when He's with us. And I'm SO glad he doesn't think it's "hard to be around people" who don't believe in Him...

Firstly I would like to say, I absolutely don't think there is anything wrong with having like-minded Christian friends. In fact, we need each other to help us stay on track and build healthy relationships. However, I do think there is something wrong when we get too comfortable with our like-minded circle of friends, that it keeps us from building relationship with other people.  We are meant to be the light in the world, right? People don't get saved because we walk past them on the street; no. Sometimes people can have divine encounters, but I would say, most of the time, people come to know Christ through someone in their life that was willing to build relationship with them BEFORE they were saved.  What's that song they sing in children's church? "Hide my light under a bushel? NO! I'm gonna let it shine!"

Jesus' decree to us before He ascended to heaven was "make disciples of all nations". Not, "stay at home with your Christian friends, make sure you judge everyone who isn't like you and wait for me to come back". Again, I am not being extreme towards either side. I believe in balance.

Now - my other point.

When you are living a life of balance, with a good amount of like-minded, Jesus loving, crazy Christians, and a good amount of sexually free, partying, crazy non-religious sinners - it's good to have a firm foundation.

You shouldn't be good friends with people who could compromise your morals. When I say that, I mean, if you have no self-control, and are easily swayed in either direction, it isn't wise to have close personal friendships with people who party every night, get drunk and sleep around. Because (I've seen it happen to good friends), more than likely you will follow in their footsteps if your foundation is weak. However, if you are grounded in what you believe, and you have a strong awareness of who you are in Jesus, I say go for it! Jesus did it. He was friends with sinners, prostitutes, and the like. I think it's perfectly fine. Again, though, you must know yourself and know Jesus.

Now the struggle.

I find, even in my own life, that there is a struggle between both worlds. Where is the balance? How do I make sure I am staying pure for Jesus with friends who think purity is a waste of time?

When I say purity, I don't only mean abstaining from sex. I mean living a life worthy of Jesus - holy and pleasing towards Him. Where is the balance? Jesus wants us to be free in Him, but at the same time there are lines I shouldn't cross. I want to talk about that.

My goal is to live a pure, holy and pleasing life for God. Before Him I want to be clean; in everything I do I want Him to smile and approve. That doesn't make me prude. I've heard that before. It makes me grounded, sure, self-controlled. I am a woman of vision - I know what I want. In Jesus there is freedom. Freedom does not mean doing whatever you want, it means having the ability to do what you want. Nobility is having freedom, having the ability to do whatever you want, and still choosing what is right. Jesus had total freedom, but chose what was right. He could have chosen not to die on the cross, but He did. It is choosing love and relationship over our personal freedom. That, to me, is perfect. Sacrifice. Love. Relationship. We are a free people; we can choose to leave Jesus any time we want, do whatever we want, but we choose to be with Him; we choose to live a life worthy of Him. There is nothing better.

In my own personal life, I have about the same amount of Christian friends as I do non-Christian friends. And I love it. All of them are beautiful people. I would like to also say, some of my non-Christian friends are more caring, loving and compassionate people than a lot of my "Christian" friends. They aren't lukewarm, they don't claim to love Jesus and then do things that say other wise. They are simply sinners, but they are sometimes better people than us. God does say that lukewarm people are worse than cold people. You should know what I mean...if you say you're a Christian and you're partying every night, you're worse than the people who don't love Jesus and do the same thing. They are consistent. Is what they're doing right? No. Are you better than them simply because of your church-going on Sunday mornings? Absolutely not. In fact, I would MUCH rather hang out with the complete and total sinners, than with a person who says they are a Christian and does everything the sinners do. It makes me sick.

So in closing - we live in a conflicting world. To the extremely religious I am too free, too crazy, too "close" with the "sinners". To the extremely non-religious, non-Christians, I am too prude, too pure, too "sheltered". But when I'm with Jesus I feel...home. I don't feel "too" anything. I feel just right. That's what I want. I want, at the end of the day, when I'm talking with Him, for Him to say "you did well." Everyone else's opinions just don't matter. If I'm not doing something well enough for them, it's ok, as long as I am pleasing Him.

So go out and have a drink with your non-Christian friends (I'm not telling you to get drunk, and if you have a problem with alcohol, just go to be with them and order a soda). Build relationships with people who don't believe what you believe. Get out from under your rock and be who God created you to be. Stop looking down on the world and stat loving them! Get excited about loving Jesus!! And always be yourself - whether you're with the "too religious" Christians, or the "too sinful" non-Christians! Be yourself, free, in love, passionate about Him!

An Independent Woman's Biggest Fear

Daniel and I have been reading an awesome book called "Love and Respect", by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is designed mostly for couples who are struggling in their marriage to have peace; it shows a unique perspective on how to keep the peace and restore passion, love and respect in the relationship. A friend of mine told me about the book, and I thought it would be cool to read it, mainly for research purposes.  As I was reading it, although Daniel and I aren't married, I noticed the same patterns in our own relationship.  And since we are on the path to marriage one day, I thought it would be a good idea to give Daniel a copy as well (in Spanish, of course;).

So we began to read it together, chapter by chapter, and we promised to keep an open mind, even if we didn't agree with one of the ideas. The concept for me, was strange.  The book talks about how men and women are wired; that women NEED love to thrive in a relationship, and men NEED respect. For me, I couldn't understand completely - my mind was telling me "But it says in the Bible that love is the most powerful thing. Daniel NEEDS love. We all need love. How can you say that respect is greater?" But then, I had promised to keep an open mind.  So when Daniel and I skyped to talk about the chapter we read the first day, I couldn't believe his response! He said "This guy gets me! he understands me! I feel like he wrote this book jut for me! Every line I read I have a desire to yell 'YES! Exactly!' And it's good for you too, Sarah! It's like he's explaining our whole relationship to us!" Wow. So, I guess Daniel does need respect...pretty badly. And although I'm not as bad as some of the examples of women in the book, I can, without even knowing it, be disrespectful to Dani - and that makes him feel terrible! It crushes his heart, and I had no idea!

I so easily demand love from him, but it is completely foreign to me to think "I need to give him respect." Because I am a woman, and I mainly operate out of love, I think "I need to make sure I make him feel loved." But what love is to me, respect is to him.

This brings me to my point of this blog post. We reached a point in the book, and it hit a hard place in my heart.  I had no idea I even dealt with this problem; but he explained it so well, and I started to understand myself. As we continued reading the book, of course the topic came up about "the man is the head in the relationship." I didn't know why, but that was a hard pill to swallow. I would find myself, when Daniel and I would talk about it, insert my own idea "Yes, but we are also equal!" Without even knowing it, I was totally afraid of taking a back seat in my relationship with Dani. I was overcome with fear that I would have to give up part of myself when Daniel and I got married.  He would become "the boss" of me, and I would no longer be able to make my own decisions.  Obviously, I had the wrong perception on marriage, and what a man's role is in the relationship.

As I began to feel wilted with this worry, we reached a part of the book that addressed this issue.  The headline "The Husbands Are To Value Wives As Equals". My heart sang! Finally, we could address this extremely irrational worry of mine. He pointed out 1 Peter 3:7, which talks about how husbands are supposed to "show her honor as a fellow HEIR of the grace of life". He explained what being the "head" of the relationship means, in a language I totally understood. A man is not the head of the relationship so that he can "have the last say" or "be the boss" - that would be dysfunctional. A relationship is made of two, equal people who share in the adventure of life, and make decisions TOGETHER.

He explained it like this - "[The husband] is her equal, but is called upon to be the first to provide, to protect - and even to die if necessary... Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills his role. And when she does, it motivates him, not because he is arrogant, but because of how God has constructed him. Few husbands walk around claiming, "I'm first among equals!" The husband with goodwill (and good sense) knows this isn't his right, but it is his responsibility.  She, on the other hand, possesses something within that thirsts to be valued as "first in importance." Nothing energizes her more! She is not self-centered. God placed this in her by nature."

So, I won't "take a back seat", or fade into non-existence, or lose myself completely in marriage. No. Rather, I will flourish as who God made me! I can still be strong and independent - my husband isn't seeking to boss me around, or take all the glory. Daniel, actually, loves to see me shine! He is always encouraging me to do things that will show who I am, my personality. He wants me to leave my mark on the world! He has no desire to be in control of me, or even to have the last say in a decision. He wants us to be on the same page; and as a man, he wants to protect and provide for me. Doesn't he deserve respect from me? His heart is so big and beautiful, and he cares so much for me, how could I deny him this thing that he absolutely NEEDS to survive, simply because of my own false perceptions?

How can I, as a woman, demand constant love from him, and then not give him respect? He is giving me what I need most to thrive, so why wouldn't I do the same for him? Sometimes it is unnatural for Daniel to show me love. That is just truth. Sometimes he just doesn't get it. And sometimes (actually a lot) my first response is not to show him respect - it is to love him. That's because that is my nature.

There is a flip side to my worry - something that is a sacrifice for me. In some way, I will have to give up some of my independence for marriage.  I won't be single anymore. I can't look at everything like "I can do it alone! Don't help me!" That would absolutely suffocate my marriage completely! Daniel and I sometimes struggle with that. He says "Why don't you let me help you!?" It is his desire to help me, rescue me, make sure I succeed. But I am so used to doing things alone, that it is unnatural to accept help from anyone. I will have to work on that. Because a relationship, again, is two people.

There will be sacrifices on both sides - that is life. You can't hold on to everything you had in the single life, because your life changes in marriage. Your roles change.

An anthem for the weirdos

I know the title of this blog is probably quite intriguing for some of you; you might be thinking "finally, someone is writing a blog post for ME!" or you might be thinking "Oh great, just another blog about being unique and 'it's OK to be weird'. please, give me a break". Whatever your first reaction was when you read the title, I encourage you to read the blog anyway.  It's something I'm pretty passionate about, and you'll see why.  I don't mind if you get up and dance around the room because someone "finally understands" or you're rolling your eyes the whole way through; read it anyway :)

If you've spent 2 seconds with me, you know that I'm not really "normal".  I like to go against the current, challenge the status quo, say really weird and home schooled things, and encourage uniqueness and a dash of weirdness.  On any given day I might receive about 15 disgusted/horrific looks from coworkers, as well as several sharp words such as "just stop!", "you're so weird.", "you're embarrassing yourself.", and my personal favorite "can't you just be normal for 2 seconds?" Well, I could be normal like you (or what you think is normal), but that wouldn't be fun at all.

I don't think any of our classic world changers were normal.  Anyone who has made any drastic mark on the world was first sneered at for being "out there".  Their ideas were awful, too eccentric for the normal people, and their passion labeled them weird or even creepy (Edgar Allen Poe, for example; the now great game changer in the poetry world was once an outcast).  "Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric." -Bertrand Russell.  Normal people feel uncomfortable being around the weird ones, because they care too much about what other people think.  They are afraid of looking stupid, being embarrassed, and for heavens sake, don't you dare call them weird!  Maybe they think weirdness is a disease you can catch if you hang around that person for too long!  Well if that's the case, I'd enjoy some more weird friends!  The more the merrier!

My personality type, according to the Myers Briggs Personality Assessment, is ENFP.  The "trouble" with the ENFP's are clear; they are extremely obsessed with individuality! They want everyone to feel comfortable in their own skin, and would feel absolutely terrible if they made someone feel like they should be anything but completely themselves.  They encourage everyone to be unique in their own way, because everyone was created differently.  In their minds, everyone is a little weird.  No one is normal; normal doesn't even exist! It's just a stereotype created to make certain people feel safe in their attempt to be just like the person they're standing next to.  I say thanks, but no thanks!  I'm not here to be a copy of the people in my life.  I am here to be me, and to bring out the best in the people around me, whether it's considered weird or not.

Something I would say to the weirdos is just this: you can't live to please everyone in your life.  You'll be trying to find thousands of ways to please people who don't matter.  My favorite quote is this one; "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" by Dr. Seuss.  If someone is shooting you a disgusted look because you're excited about an idea, or you're acting nerdy in public, or you're just too passionate for them, just remember that their opinion doesn't even matter a bit.  They are stuck in their delusions, believing that normal is good.  Don't let their disapproval of your expressions or personality quench the fire in your heart.  They're just as weird as you, they just aren't comfortable with showing it yet.


Something I would say to those who look down on their weird "friends" for being different: "No man has the right to dictate what other men should perceive, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit." -Ansel Adams.  I would encourage you, next time, when they are doing something nerdy in your presence, or maybe you think they are too weird for society, to keep your cutting remarks and the disgusted look on your face to yourself. Those kind of things only tell them that being themselves is not OK in your presence.  It tells them that you are not comfortable enough in your own skin, because you are too easily embarrassed by someone who is simply too different than you.  Those words and looks sting them, and cause them to retreat when they are with you.  And you may find yourself, one day, only surrounded by the dull and boring, with little to no creative minds to keep the mood alive!  They are different than you, and that's OK!  Just remember that they are children of God just like you, and they deserve the same respect you believe you deserve.  :)



There are so many different types of weird, because no one is the same.  We are all created differently with different purposes, different habits, different beliefs and different passions.  My weirdness includes, but is  not limited to, the following: I like to sing veggie tales and show tunes, as well as Disney songs and musicals in public.  I get excited about little things, and show it in an outward display (such as waving my arms in excitement, jumping up and down, or getting an extremely nerdy look on my face). I was home schooled (probably the most "uncool" thing EVER in south Florida).  I'm only funny to me (you know, the type of people who laugh at their own jokes...yep, meeee!)  I genuinely enjoy hanging out with small children; I think they're pretty wise.  About 99% of the things I say are extremely nerdy, not because I talk about comic books all day, or because I'm so extremely intellectual; it's more about the way I say it (such as, "Hey guys, what's up??!!" while I'm sporting a classic thumbs up, or my hand is in the air waiting for a high five from each individual in the room...um, nerd.)  For some reason, those little things about me make certain people genuinely dislike me, label me weird, annoying or cheesy, and consider themselves somehow superior to me.  But it's no big deal.  I've learned to own those things!!  And honestly, their genuine and obvious discomfort whenever one or all of those things are displayed, only makes me want to do it more!  Because guess what, there's nothing wrong with me.  :)  I'm a person with qualities that might be different than yours, but it doesn't make me any less of a person.  So whatever your intricacies, don't let anyone snuff out your light.


The anthem of the weirdos: There is nothing wrong with us!

From the battlefield to the bedroom

In my devotional time this morning, I was thinking over my life, the reasons why I haven't done certain things, and the choices I've made.  Most people who know me know my choice for purity.  They know that I've never had sex, and I don't want to until I'm married, but their knowledge doesn't really go much further than that.  I felt prompted this morning to write this blog about purity, and tell you why I choose this life.  If I leave anything behind when I die, I want to leave a legacy.  I want to be the example of purity in my children's lives, and incite a sexual revolution (of a new kind) in the hearts' of the people around me.

Purity means different things to different people; I want to tell you what it means to me by painting a picture.

I want to look back on the days when a man, literally, was required to fight for a woman.  If a man was to receive the love of a woman, he had to first earn it; he had to go through fire to earn the greatest gift a man could have ever received - a wife.  Only after proving himself and his honor, not only to the woman, but to the entire village or town, could he have the privilege of her love and take her to be his wife.  It's a beautiful picture.  However, those days seem to be long gone.  No more are the days when a woman was valued for her gift of virginity (in heart, mind, body and soul).  No more are the days when it was an honor for a man to marry a woman of purity.  No more are the days when he not only had to prove himself to her, but to her family, her friends, her community!

Instead, we live in a society where it's "uncool" to be pure; where the pure kid is the "prude" kid.  Our society says that if it feels good it must be good.  Instead of sharing our most precious gift (sexuality) with only one human being for the rest of our lives, we are trapped in a culture that says we need to have multiple sex partners so we "know what we like".  It says in Galatians 5:13 that we are called to freedom, but we shouldn't use our freedom "as an opportunity to indulge your flesh".

I was very blessed to have been raised in a home with extremely high standards and traditional values; where I was taught not to give away the rare gift I have to any man who is not worthy of it. "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6. He has to earn the treasure. "A worthy woman, who can find? For her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10
I know that my decision for purity has a lot to do with the home I grew up in, the community that surrounded me, etc.  But in my teenage and young adult years, I have had more than enough opportunities to throw it all to the wind and join the "sexually free" crowd of people.  But I didn't do it, because I have a vision.

I do not see myself giving my virginity away in a boys bedroom, in his bed, in his parents house with a very high risk of getting caught (ugh...what a terrible experience that would be).  I do not see myself paying for a crappy hotel room with cash because of fear of my parents seeing the charge on my card.  I do not want to put myself in a situation that is a danger to my health, my future, my peace of mind, or my soul.  I do not want to live my life in regret or shame because of one stupid, impulsive decision. I also don't want to get pregnant. haha...no but seriously, all the birth control and condoms in the world, sometimes, just can't prevent it from happening.  That's a risk I'm not willing to take.
I have a vision for my life, and it does not involve any of the above scenarios.  Instead, I want to live my life in freedom; freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt.  Free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, because I'll be MARRIED (which is gonna be awesome...one day...). I will give that gift away; the gift that I have fought to keep safe my entire life, on my wedding night, to my husband, because he will have earned the right to have my love.  To me, it's that simple.  I realize it isn't that simple to everyone, and I'm only talking about what I believe should happen, but not about how to do it.


As Kris Vallotton says in his book "Purity", we have to make it from the battlefield to the bedroom.  Because let's be honest here, life is a battlefield.  Temptation is very real, and even the purest people are tempted.  The evil one is cunning like a snake ("But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ." 2 Corinthians 11:3), but my God is good, and His goodness and His love are what keep me on track; it keeps me from biting, at times, the absolutely delicious looking apple. It is a battle, but we can win it.


It says in Hebrews 4:15 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." Which means sexual temptation as well.  The Bible also says that Christ would never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle, and He will ALWAYS provide a way out, and a way for us to conquer it (1 Corinthians 10:13).
That doesn't mean that we should willingly put ourselves in compromising places because "there's no temptation we can't handle", because the Word speaks of wisdom as well.  In Proverbs 4:7 it's completely clear; it says, "get wisdom!"  And in Proverbs 19:8, "Whoever gets sense loves his own soul..."  Well my "sense" tells me "don't go into that situation; you're smarter than that!"  Just because we have the ability to resist temptation does not mean that we should be hanging out on the edge of the ledge just hoping we don't fall off... A pure heart without wisdom and understanding is most likely not going to last.


(I would like to say that if you have not lived your life in purity or you have already given away your virginity, the Bible says  in Hebrews 10:22 that you can "draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with [your] heart sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and [your] body washed with pure water." You can be washed clean and made new, and I fully believe that Christ has the power to restore your purity and virginity in heart, mind, body AND soul. I have a very dear friend who made the choice to give away his gift at a very young age, but he is living his life restored, and I believe he is pure again and that the Lord, in His grace, also restored his virginity.)

In the world we live in, it is very hard to find someone who values purity the way the Lord intended.  Purity should be celebrated, talked about, and honored.  If you value your purity, you will pray for a husband or a wife who will value and protect it in the same way, because they will understand the fight you have had to go through to keep it.
I am lucky to be dating a man who values my purity.  When I told him about my past, the decisions I've made to keep myself pure, the prayers I prayed...his reaction was unimaginable.  He told me that I was exactly what he prayed for, and that he felt so honored and blessed to be dating me.  Wow!  He feels honored and blessed to be with me? Amazing.  Daniel tells me all the time how much he loves my pure heart.  He doesn't belittle me for choosing a pure life, and he doesn't make me feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm "un-experienced".  God has blessed me with a man with a pure heart, who chooses to fight for me in a world where the fight has become "unnecessary" to receiving the "prize".

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Relationships: Sometimes it's not all peaches and cream

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow, fall in order to know, lose in order to gain. And sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again."

Before I write this, I want to give a disclaimer. I am not a woman who has been married for 23+ years with 6 children (like my parents), and I am not a woman who has been in countless relationships with a broken heart.  I am not an 80 year old woman who has loved and lost, either.  I am a 21 year old woman who has only had one boyfriend (which happened about 5 months ago), with some crazy ideas about marriage and dating.  I have run into a LOT of people who tell me I am not qualified to speak on the subject of dating, or relationships, because I "don't have enough experience".  And while I believe they could be right in some respect, they are not right entirely.  Sometimes you can learn from other people's mistakes, gain wisdom from the Father above about something you don't understand, and you can even give advice when you've never been through that situation.  Also, my 5 month experience with my boyfriend Daniel, although through the world's eyes it doesn't look like such a long time, has really given me a lot of insight into this funky love stuff.

Dating is my favorite subject to talk about.  It always has been.  And I've found that when I talk about it, there are always ears eager to hear, and mouths eager to jump into the conversation.  Dating really is everyone's favorite subject (with the exception of a few, I'm sure), and it's always fun to throw our ideas around the table.  So the next few blog posts will, yes, be about...dun dun DUN, dating! Yay! Or, rather, relationships (because I know the definition of dating is rather different in many circles).  

Relationships really aren't easy.  I remember growing up, I would dream of what my relationship with my boyfriend would be like, and it always looked perfect and easy, never fighting, always getting along, always laughing.  I look back on my 12 year old picture of a relationship and can't help but smile.  I didn't have a clue!  

Relationships have the ability to point out flaws in ourselves that we never saw before.  Because we're dealing with another person, with entirely different life experiences, different views of the world, different values, maybe even different beliefs - all of this challenges us.  Sharing life with that person can be the most fulfilling thing, and can also be incredibly difficult.  Things you never thought you struggled with start to become a problem in your life.  

I'll give you some examples in Daniel and I's relationship.  I thought that I was a pretty healthy person, got most of my problems under control, and was ready to give to another person in a relationship.  I can tell you, relationships are NOT for the selfish.  If you have a problem with selfishness, you better face that problem first, because trust me, the relationship won't hold up under that.  Relationships are about giving AND receiving. Not just me me me.  A relationship is two people.  The foundation of the relationship can't be "what can I get out if this; what will make me feel good?", but has to be "what can I give; what can I do for YOU?".  When I had to face the fact that it wasn't all about me anymore, that was kind of hard.  Loving selflessly, however, was and is the best lesson I've had to learn.  It's so much more fulfilling. :) (Side note to those who like to pick-apart my words, I am not saying that you have to conquer selfishness entirely, because I know you will of course have selfish moments.  What I'm talking about here is living your relationship based on a selfish motive. These are two different things.)

Pride.  Another big one.  I really never thought I had a problem with this one.  Ha!  But when you're in the middle of a heated discussion, and that "I'm right" spirit creeps in...oops! Got some pride issues I need to take care of.  This isn't an issue easily solved, either.  This one still comes to get me and Daniel both.  The key is to surrender my need to be right, to protect the relationship.  Is my need to be right more important than my love for Daniel? Yikes.  It honestly, really is that simple.  But you would be surprised how hard it is in the moment to say "Ok. I'm giving up my right to be right, because I love you". 

Jealousy. Now, I think jealousy is ok in some instances, (the Bible says that God is a jealous God), but letting it take over you and rule your emotions is never a good thing.  I remember the first time I got really jealous with Daniel.  Jealousy was my motivation to message him and "check" on him and who he was with, instead of love being my motivation.  When something takes the place of love in your heart, emotions and motivations, it might as well be taking the place of God, because God is love.  I've had to "check myself before I wreck myself" countless times.

Since I started dating Daniel back in November, my life has become so much more fulfilling because I get to share in the adventure with him.  It has also become so much more complicated and difficult because I have had to face myself and real issues I have that have been hiding underneath the surface, just waiting.

I can easily say that Daniel brings out the very best in me and makes me feel like a good person, but I would be lying if I said that I felt like that all of the time. The truth is, relationships usually aren't that easy, because we all have problems rooted in our insecurities; and insecurities are bound to show themselves in any relationship with a human being, but especially in an intimate relationship with someone who could possibly be your spouse (problems are rooted in insecurities; insecurities in fear).  The great news is, if you face those problems when they arise, you will become a healthier person and the trust in the relationship will grow with every issue you solve. 

I know a lot of people who believe that if you are fighting a lot, or you start to see sides of yourself that you don't like, then that person just "isn't the right one" for you.  We all want to feel like we are good people, and that our relationship is healthy and strong, and that we are a better person when we are with that one (all of this can be achieved if you face the problems together).  We want to feel like they are bringing the best out in us.  But that's not their job! That's our job.

We are not perfect, and it is impossible to find a perfect relationship where you feel like rainbows and sunshine all the time.  The deal is to take ownership of your issues, and if you can (and if that person invites you to), you help the other person through their problems and let them know that you love them through the process.

Everything I'm saying comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  I know some people get tired of seeing this verse. Like, come on, there are a million verses in the Bible about love, why THAT ONE, again?  Well, Daniel and I make our goal to live our life according to those verses.  It really shows you, simply, what love is supposed to be like.  And honestly, on some days, I know I'm not loving Daniel at ALL, I'm serving myself.  So I need to meditate on the scripture more.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Everything I strive to do, or change in my relationship with Daniel, is right there in those verses. And I've learned, just because I love someone, doesn't mean I always act like it.  But I want to; that's my goal.

So I guess what I'm saying from all of this is simple: just because a relationship isn't perfect and isn't always happy-go-lucky-fun-times, doesn't mean that you weren't both perfectly matched.  You just lived different lives before you met, and it takes a little while to get in sync (in my opinion).  

One last thing before I end.  I do understand that there are some unhealthy relationships, and that fighting is not always healthy.  The difference is, when the fighting does not result in change/compromise/building of trust, and when it does.  It depends on how much of yourself you are willing to give, and if you're really ready to lay it all down.  Because last time I checked, Jesus was willing to sacrifice it all for me, why would He expect anything less from me in my relationship with Him and the one who could be my future husband? Just a thought. :)

Dealing With Desire

The Bible addresses our desires and longings.  If you search the words "desire" and "longing" in an online Bible, the pages seem to never end.  I am in a place of longing right now in my life.  Longing for those desires in my heart to be fulfilled, promises to be kept, and the life I know I want.  Truthfully, it's an inner struggle; a war in my spirit.  I am constantly, daily, laying those desires at the Lord's feet.  I don't think a day will ever go by that I am not in a tug-of-war; flesh vs. spirit, good vs. evil, what I want vs. what I need, head vs. heart, (honestly) satan vs. Jesus.  

That doesn't mean all of my desires are evil.  In fact, the Lord says that if we delight in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37).  So what do we do with those desires?  How do we manage them?  Because it isn't good to just give ourselves to our desires, that would result in total chaos in our lives.  No, we give them to God.  He knows how to manage them.

"Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You." -Psalm 38:9

See?  We are to bring our desires before Him.  It's no use hiding them from Him, He can see into the depths of our souls whether we offer it to Him or not.  Even if our desires are unholy desires, even then is the time to bring them before Him.  We are to offer ourselves, the good and the bad, fully to Christ so that we may be filled with His desire and His love for us.

It says in Psalm 145:19 "He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them." And in Proverbs 10:24 it says, "What the wicked fears will come upon him, But the desire of the righteous will be granted." (I already mentioned this one) In Psalm 37:4 it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

So it says those who fear Him, those who are righteous, and those who delight in the Lord will have their desires fulfilled.  But why?  Because their hearts are after God.  Their desires belong to God because they fear Him.  They go before Him daily and lay their desires at His feet - they seek first the kingdom of God, and then their desires are added to them.  Their hearts are constantly being formed into His likeness, so their desires are good not evil, because they desire first His kingdom.

I know I'm just repeating things over and over, but I'm really writing this for myself, because I have to.  I need to write this.  Honestly, sometimes my desires seem so overwhelming; you know that feeling like "I need that!" or "I have to have it or I'll just die!" etc, etc.  That longing deep inside your soul for something.  You can't explain it, but you know you want it.  I have these feelings all the time.  But I can never have them in my own power; if I go out and fulfill those desires myself, I would surely parish, because I would be operating out of man-made power not out of my rest and trust in God.  But if I give my desires to Him, they will be fulfilled in His timing.

Right now, one of my strongest desires is to be in Colombia.  I can't explain it, but I have a longing for that country.  To be there.  To live there.  To work there.  To minister there.  I want it more than almost anything right now.  I've prayed about it every day, it's always coming to mind at the most random moments.  It started last summer when I went for a conference called Sobredosis.  I couldn't explain the feelings I left with, but I knew my future was there.  I have prayed almost every day since then that God would bring me back there; that He would provide a way for me to live there (and provide the money and resources as well).  I have prayed about it and I believe it to be a desire from the Lord.  But if I make it happen out of my own strength and impatience, I know it won't end well.  I believe I am supposed to be there, and I have a desire to be there now, but it has to happen in God's timing or it won't be right.

I have to bring this to the Lord every day.  He knows I want it, and He knows the right time to bring it about. Maybe right now isn't the time.  I feel like it will happen this year, but I can't be certain.  Whenever it is meant to happen, I pray that it only happens in His will and timing and out of favor with Him.

I'll end with one more verse.  Since I've been speaking about desire; there is one desire that is more important and greater than any other -

"O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water." -Psalm 63:1 

Nonstop Adventure

I'm sitting in the Miami airport as I'm writing this. There is this feeling I always get right before I get on the plane - excitement, joy, anxiety, all rolled into one thing. I feel like getting out of my seat and dancing randomly in the middle of the terminal, or maybe just crying because I'm just so happy and blessed. Either way, I don't think they could express how I feel. Over the summer I went to Colombia for the first time (and out of the country for the first time since I was a baby). Then I returned to Colombia in October, and now I'm on my way to Peru for 2 weeks. It seems like my life all of a sudden became one big traveling adventure! And I hope that I can continue doing this! In fact, I just finished praying this prayer, "Lord, I don't know your plans for me, but I want to do this for the rest of my life! Provide the money, Father, and provide the time." I don't know the future; sure, I have my own plans and maybe even a glimpse from the Lord for my life and my future family. But I don't know everything; all I know is that I have this passion for South America, and I want to travel there every year, multiple times. Heck, maybe even live there! I dunno! But I love it, and my heart is for the people there. Traveling and missionary work - I feel like I was born to do this! Literally. I was born on the mission field to missionary parents in a foreign country! This is what I want to do forever! I have so many dreams, and I don't know how they tie into this one big desire, but I know this feeling - and this is what I want; this is what I was made for!! I was made to see miracles! I was made to see God's glory displayed in other people's lives! I want to always be doing His work.

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