A Year of Love and Loss

Not too long ago, I identified myself as a writer (and in some small way, I still do), but just have not found the time to write in the last year. I haven't even found time to journal, which is so crazy for me, because for about 6 years straight I wrote in my journal on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. Once I got married, it's like I lost time for everything normal in my life. My life became this whirlwind, roller-coaster that never seems to stop.

Now here I am, having gone through one of the craziest years of my life, and I have hardly any journal entries or blog posts to prove it! However, as usual, as the year comes to an end, I have this desire to reflect.

Like I've said, it was a whirlwind. This last year seemed like it would never come to an end, and we are still not finished (one more month)! It was one disaster after another, followed by something beautiful and then something else beautiful, tears and heartbreak like I've never experienced, and then real life growth that followed that heartbreak. I felt like I died a million times, and then was reborn all over again. Every day was a struggle, but every day was beautiful.

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I have heard some wild, crazy stories of the "first year" in marriages. So when I look at our first year compared to those stories, I am thankful! When it comes to Daniel and I, relationship-wise, just us with nobody else involved or personal circumstances (job, etc), we did pretty well. We didn't fight every day, we didn't almost kill each other, and I think we might have gone to sleep mad at each other a total of 1 or 2 times. We were dedicated to working out our problems. I am thankful God gave me such an awesome guy who made the "first year" much easier than they say it should be.

Our marriage, however, was not the only thing I dealt with the entire year. If marriage wasn't enough of a change, there were a million other things! Only 2 weeks after we got married, I moved with Daniel to Bogota, Colombia, became a resident and have been living here a little over a year now. I have always been extroverted and love to see new places and experience new things! So this was an adventure, but the hardest adventure I have ever embarked on! It is a totally different culture, a different language, and just a different way of life in general.

I grew up in the United States of America, and I worked since I was 11 years old. My parents instilled in me responsibility and making money for myself and being independent, and all that super USA stuff. So when I moved to a country where it is totally acceptable for the children to live with their parents until they are married (and often times never even move out, even when they do get married), and they don't even pay RENT, my mind was blown! I couldn't believe all these people were totally okay with not being independent adults who take care of themselves and make their own food, pay for everything themselves. It was/is the hardest thing for me in changing cultures. On one hand, I like part of it, but on the other hand, having my in-laws in my business at all times was not something I enjoy/ed.

Then the daily struggle of not being able to say exactly what I want to say whenever I want to say it - wow! So difficult for a super extrovert! It was so hard for me to be in social situations without participating in conversation, that I started to retreat inside of my little apartment and insisted on being a "stay-at-home-wife" who cleaned and cooked because I just never wanted to leave the house! But I didn't like to clean, and I didn't like the silence of being alone, and I didn't like being a fake-introvert. It wasn't me. So I started working as a tutor, which gave me 5 hours outside of the house daily, but that still didn't fix my problem of feeling bottled up, because I still couldn't speak Spanish because I had no practice time. So I continued in the crazy-cycle of feeling extroverted inside and wanting to express myself, but totally unable to do it.

In the middle of all this, my dear Aunt Pat died. She lived in the USA, and I lived in Colombia, so here I was mourning the death of a beloved family member, unable to be there with my family. So I mourned alone; I stuffed more feelings deep down inside of myself, unable to really express how I felt to anyone but Daniel. On top of this, no one really knew how to talk to me, the same as I didn't know how to talk to them. I remember receiving only one phone call from a friend during that hard time (it was really simple: just "hope you are okay, and I understand"), and after that phone call I went into my bedroom and cried for 20 minutes straight because I just wanted to know that someone understood that I couldn't be strong anymore.

About 5 months later, Daniel and I dealt with one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with. For me, it broke my heart into a million pieces, killed me, and I thought I would fall into a serious depression. Just 6 months before I was a happy extroverted young woman, whose only worry was planning my wedding. Now here I was laying on the floor, weeping for the loss of yet another life. A babies life. A baby we thought we would adopt and raise as our own; but the mother decided to abort the baby, despite having the option of giving the baby to us. I felt broken, totally empty. I felt like I would never be myself again, not really. Too many things had happened, and I felt like I didn't really exist anymore. I was just a hollow version of myself, but I wasn't there. I wasn't really present in my own life anymore, and I honestly didn't want to be, because it felt like too much pain and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

After 3 weeks of walking around feeling like this, I got a job at a Christian School. My friends tell me that when they first met me or noticed me, I looked like a really serious and quiet person with no remarkable traits. In that moment, I was dead, so I can't imagine them seeing Sarah - they saw my shadow, not me. After a few weeks, the Lord used those precious people to help me open up again. I learned to love again. I learned to talk about things again. I learned to be Sarah again. And just as I started to be me again, I got news that my Uncle Fred died. In that moment it was like my world stood still. So much death in only 9 months. I didn't think I could handle it, so I tried not to handle it. Then I just broke down in the middle of class. But this time I wasn't alone; I was surrounded by people who I call true friends, and they held me and told me it was going to be okay and I was going to make it through. And I did make it through.

About a week later I was 99% convinced that I was pregnant. I was singing inside! All this pain in one year was going to be washed away by this new life that was going to come into our lives! I felt new: I felt refreshed - sick, but refreshed! A month later I got my period. I was so late, and it didn't make any sense. It still doesn't make sense, and I don't understand what happened. All I know is that I wasn't pregnant. That hope for a life, again, slipped through my fingers. Every month I waited to see if I was pregnant, and every month I wasn't. This deep desire for a child continues to grow and yet, for some reason, isn't fulfilled. Every month, it's the same story. I hope and pray for a baby, the baby never comes, and I end up a mess on the floor, crying my eyes out.

I believe 100% that we will be pregnant and we will have lots of babies and all this pain will be just a memory. The fulfillment of that dream, however, seems like an eternity away. Yet we pray. We pray that all this pain, all this death in only a year, would not be in vain. That one day we would hold our baby in our arms, and one day when we go to heaven, we would see all the loved ones we lost (because there were also 2 friends that died this past year as well), and even the baby we never met!

This was the hardest year of my life, but even through all of the hard things, I am reminded of life and love. I have Jesus, and I am surrounded by people who pick me up when I am on the floor in a mess. They show me the light, and they show me the love and I am eternally grateful for these people. The Lord turns every bad situation into beauty! We can't always see it immediately, but He does it. He is faithful, and we do not suffer for nothing. We have His Promises to hold on to, and we will continue to do that!

Here's to hoping that next year's "reflection blog post" is a bit sweeter. Hey, maybe next year's post will include stories of new life instead of loss.

The Proverbs 31 Woman: Is She Weak or Powerful?

I was reading Proverbs 31 this morning, as I always do at the end of every month, and I thought "I keep reading the same version; maybe I should try a different one." So I tried the Amplified version. I really love this version of the Bible, because it gives a lot of perspective on what a verse might be saying. I don't always agree with verses in this version, but Proverbs, to me, leaves a lot of room for interpretation (not always, but sometimes) because of the poetic language it uses. If you have ever read a poem in a group of people, you will have heard many different interpretations. So today I want to share with you my view on The Proverbs 31 Woman, Amplified Version Style.

I have heard some of my Feminist friends back home say that a REAL woman would never aspire to be a Proverbs 31 Woman, because they would be aspiring to be a submissive wife and serving mother with no identity. I could not disagree more. I do not find this woman to be a weak woman, but rather an intensely powerful woman. A powerful woman is unselfish in her actions, and is able to control herself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. She doesn't let the opinions of others' determine who she is, but rather her own personal actions. A powerful woman serves the ones she loves, while not becoming a doormat for anyone.

A powerful woman has her own opinions which come from a place of wisdom, not from the desire to hear her own voice! She considers her actions carefully, and makes an informed decision in every situation. She doesn't run people over with her opinions, but rather waits until the moment is right and speaks with confidence. She holds others in high regard, treating every one, whether rich or poor, black or white, with kindness. A powerful woman is intelligent and wise. She is capable, and independent. She is virtuous - making decisions that don't compromise her beliefs, and remaining obedient to God.

That is my view of a powerful woman! And I will show you that the Proverbs 31 Woman is indeed a powerful woman!

"A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls." 31:10

"The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely...." 31:11

"She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard." 31:16

"She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm." 31:17

"She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust]." 31:18

"She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit]." 31:20

"Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!" 31:25

"She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction]." 31:26

"She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat." 31:27

"Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying], Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all." 31:28,29

"Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!" 31:30

That is indeed a powerful woman! I think if you can make such an impact in others lives that they literally praise your works, you are a powerful woman! I aspire to be like the Proverbs 31 Woman, although I am nowhere close!

Even Fairy Tales Get Rough

Daniel and I decided to write a blog about our recent troubles. We debated for a little while about whether or not we would tell everyone, because the fact of the matter is that not everyone will understand. Not everyone will agree, and a lot of people will even think we are foolish or stupid. But this is our real story, real feelings, real circumstances.

*Although these events really happened, names, places and minor details have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

Daniel and I knew before we even started dating that we both wanted to adopt children one day. We both felt that it was a part of our calling as separate people, and now our calling as a couple. Talking about it for several years now, we believed we would adopt a child/children after we finished having our own biological children. But like always, things changed. 

A friend called me up last week to tell me that a mutual friend of ours was pregnant. It wasn't a happy occasion, though. It was an unwanted pregnancy. She was going through a lot of changes in her life, and just couldn't handle a baby right now. So she planned an appointment with Planned Parenthood to get an abortion. When my friend told me about it, I told Daniel, and we immediately knew in our hearts' that we had to do something. We called my friend back and told her "we will adopt the baby if she doesn't go through with the abortion." 

Our mutual friend said she needed to think about it, because right now she needed to focus on herself and make the right choice for her own circumstances. She was going through her own personal battles, and we understood that. But we continued to pray that God would speak to her and she would not take the decision to get the abortion. 

Over the next few days, we began to dream of what it would be like to raise this child. What would we tell this child when they got older? We dreamed of their first moments: first word, first day at school, first best friend, first date, first kiss, the day they bring their future husband/wife home to meet us, their wedding day, etc. Slowly but surely we fell in love with a child we would never hold in our arms. We fell in love with a child that, to us, was worth it all. We were willing to give up so much, and give this child all we had! If it meant saving this life, giving this life opportunities that otherwise wouldn't be available, we were ready to do it. This child didn't grow inside of me, but I felt like it was already a part of me.

Earlier this week I received a text from my friend. It was simple: "She went through with it. I'm sorry."

It felt like all of time stopped in that one moment. A life that once was, wasn't anymore. Just like that, the child was gone. I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't change the mother's mind, I couldn't save this life. I sat there, helpless, all the emotions welling up inside of me. All the emotions except one: hate. I didn't hate her. She took this life and basically flushed it down the toilet, but I wasn't angry. I felt sadness. Sadness for this lost child, and sadness for this mother, my friend. I can only hope that when she realizes what she's done, God will be there to comfort her. That she will feel His love overwhelming her; His grace covering her. That is my hope and prayer for her.

As for the baby, (and YES, it was a baby), I will love that child forever. I can't explain it, but one day I will meet that child and finally hold them in my arms. That child is waiting in heaven for the people he/she never got to meet, with only love and forgiveness in their heart for the same woman who aborted him/her. I truly believe that. 

If it was a girl, we were going to name her Esther, because in the Bible Esther stopped the annihilation of an entire group of people. Although this is a tragedy, Daniel and I will continue in our calling to adopt children. We believe in saving lives that are unwanted, standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves - saving them from certain annihilation.

An Extravert In A Foreign Country

Lately I haven't been blogging much, simply because I don't have the time. I have been incredibly busy tutoring multiple people in English, trying to learn how to be married and everything that goes with that - blogging just hasn't fit into the schedule. Instead, I took to Facebook status' to keep everyone updated about my life. Unfortunately, I get an incredible amount of negative feedback in my inbox from people who don't agree with my viewpoints on living in another country. However, I'd like everyone to know that they are not exactly my "opinions" but my honest experiences. HERE, I will give you my full opinion AND experience since moving to Colombia.

Preface: I am going to be generalizing a large group of people labeled "Extraverts." Not all extraverts are the same, and everyone has different experiences, depending on your personality and level of comfort with people. But I am going to be telling you my experiences and opinions, as an extravert.

Before moving to Colombia, I was extremely outgoing without even a hint of "shy" anywhere inside of me. I am a tell-it-like-it-is person, and always eager to discuss pretty much any topic, as long as it meant socialization. I'm going to discuss the difficulties I have experienced, as an extravert, since moving to Colombia.

1. Extraverts Process Externally

The Fact: As an extravert, I process my feelings externally; I NEED to talk about everything with at least 2 different people, get their opinions and wisdom, and afterwards feel energized by pouring my heart out to them. I absolutely do not feel energized when I process how I am feeling internally. I feel trapped, and usually very sad, if I can't talk about my experiences openly with people.

The Problem: When you move ANYWHERE new, it takes time to create bonds with people. Especially the kind of bond that allows you to pour your heart out in happiness, or heartache, without freaking the other person out. So you go through weeks, months, and for some people years, not feeling a heart connection with the people around you, and find it very difficult to talk about your feelings, forcing you to process them internally, which leads to frustration. This has been my experience. Although I am an extravert, I am not SO extraverted that I am willing to process my deep personal feelings with people who don't understand my heart. 

2. Extraverts Like To Talk A LOT

The Fact: I enjoy talking about anything and everything, with anyone and everyone. I love contributing to a conversation, and can usually articulate my ideas very well. I almost always know exactly what I want to say, when I want to say it, and to whomever I want to say it to. 

The Problem: My first language is English, and I am living in a country whose first language is Spanish. If I muster up enough courage to say anything at all, it is not well thought out or pleasing to the ears. It sounds like a bunch of words thrown together, trying to sound like an idea, but it's just not quite there yet. This is incredibly challenging to the extravert in me. When I listen to people exchanging ideas, I want to be a part of that, but just can't say what I want to say! Either I don't know how to say it, or I'm afraid I won't say it right. There isn't always someone around who can translate for me, so I'm left there just listening, not contributing at all.

3. Extraverts Are Energized By Being Around Other People

The Fact: I briefly mentioned this in my first point - in order to feel energized emotionally and socially, I need to be around other people. I do not feel energized being alone, reading a book, listening to music, or watching a movie. I can feel incredibly energized doing any of those things, as long as I am doing it with others'. The entire experience of socializing is 100% energizing: exchanging ideas about life, talking about problems/solving problems, cooking together, watching a movie together, taking walks - all of those things energize me in a social setting.

The Problem: Sometimes (and this is not all of the time; again, it depends on your personality and circumstances), when you go into a situation that is completely different from what you're used to, you tend to retreat inside of yourself like a turtle retreats inside of its shell. My happy-extravert-self says "go out and be with people, even if you can't say anything! Just don't stay at home all day!" but my slightly wounded extravert-self says "don't go outside! Stay put and wait for your hubby to come home!" It is a constant battle inside of myself. I don't want to go outside and be disappointed or get lost or freak out when I can't think of something to say, but I definitely don't want to stay home all day alone!

4. Extraverts Are Usually Very Sensitive To Rejection and Judgement

The Fact: That statement is not always true, but is true a lot, especially with extraverted women and more sensitive extravert personality types. Because we are constantly putting our ideas on the table, we are constantly getting shot down or told that our ideas are worthless/inappropriate/false/unimportant, etc. And that's in our own society, among our friends and relatives.

The Problem: Now you're in a totally different world, different society, different culture of people with totally different ideas about life. As an extravert, it can be very hard, and sometimes even wounding, to try to put your ideas into the conversation, only to have them totally ignored or discounted. I understand that my ideas are different because I grew up in a different culture, and I'm not saying that my ideas are better, I'm just saying my ideas and hoping they are taken seriously. As an extravert, I simply want to be involved in the process of exchanging ideas and talking about the differences - not told that my ideas or experiences are wrong or bad, but just accepted in the conversation as simply "another idea."

The best advice I can give to any extravert looking to move into another culture of people, is this: study them first, and if they speak another language, learn it first! Also, these are just my experiences, and could be totally different from yours! Again, I believe it depends on a lot of different things, especially your level of openness, how your grew up, and if you have any insecurities in your life (although, I think we all have a few).

I will say that I have learned, and continue learning valuable life lessons through these experiences. Sometimes, as an extremely outgoing person, I can miss little, yet important, details because I am rushing to say what I think or go be with the next person. Sometimes I don't realize that quieting your soul is an important part of life, and can't be overlooked, even for an extravert. Or, perhaps I don't understand the meaning of patience or "waiting," and need that in my life. Either way, I believe God has us go through seasons, not always easy, and there is always a lesson to be learned in the middle of it!

The 60 Songs That Define My Life

You could also call this blog post "If my life was a movie, this would be the soundtrack."
No, but really, if my life was a movie, these would be the songs that would do it justice. About half of the songs are life changing songs for me - they really defined who I was in a certain season. The other half are songs I've picked up along the way that just really explain the different seasons I went through. So, without further ado, here is my life in music:

• My childhood -

1. Recipe for Love, by Harry Connick, Jr.
2. Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen
3. Too Much Time on My Hands, by Styx
4. Breakfast in America, by Supertramp

I know what you must be thinking; "what the heck is little Sarah doing listening to that type of music?" Well, I actually listened to a lot of other types of music, mostly Christian: music like Petra, and also The Carpenters. But these songs have my favorite memories attached to them. This music was my dad's favorite. I remember him singing Recipe for Love and playing it all the time and even dancing with me in the living room to that song. And Bohemian Rhapsody has always, and will always will be, my family's hit song. Play that sucker in a car full of McGinnis' and you will see something like the scene from "Wayne's World."

• That one time in the shower -

5. Replace Me, by Family Force 5
6. Give Me Jesus, by Bethel Music
7. Close to Your Heart, by The Glorious Unseen

So let me explain. I don't have a crazy past full of drugs and alcohol and sex. But I was extremely rebellious in my childhood, and although I grew up in a Christian home, in my heart I was a total sinner. Lying was second nature; if you said "don't do that," "that" was exactly what I did. So one day in the shower when I was about 13, I had this weird feeling come over me, and I suddenly felt overwhelmed with conviction. I got on my knees, right there in the shower, and asked God to forgive me, and promised to dedicate my life to Him. That was also the same year I decided to wait until I was married to have sex, and vowed to pray for my husband every day.

• My music awakening -

8. The Love Song, by K-Os
9. Crabbuckit, by K-Os
10. Stereo, by 4th Avenue Jones
11. King Without a Crown, by Matisyahu

My family is good friends with another homeschooling family. The father in the family, George, introduced me to some of my favorite artists, even to this day. That's the year (around 15 years old) that I fell in love with Hip-Hop and learned that music is still good even when it's not Christian.

• That time I decided I wanted to play guitar -

12. Jolene, by Dolly Parton

13. Come Clean, by Eisley

14. Hallelujah, by Jason Castro

15. Hurt, by Johnny Cash

16. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, by U2

This could also go with the previous category; it was around the same time when I was discovering all of this new music, that I decided to learn guitar and be an artist myself.

• Praying for my future husband -

17. Combinations, by Eisley

18. Are We There Yet, by Ingrid Michaelson

19. If I Were a Carpenter, by Johnny Cash and June Carter

20. Restless, by Switchfoot

This was a phase from age 13 until I started dating Daniel.

• That time I went to missionary school at Bethel -

21. Shake It Out, by Florence + The Machine

22. The Call, by Regina Spektor

23. Be Thou My Vision, by Leah Mari (Leah Johnson)

24. I Will Waste My Life, by Misty Edwards

This was a freeing time in my life, but also an extremely emotional and life altering time. I left home for the first time, moved to California for a year, and met so many crazy people. I learned a lot about myself in that year.

• That moment I knew I wanted to be a missionary -

25. The A Team, by Ed Sheeran

26. Cassie, by Flyleaf

27. Somebody's Baby, by Jon Foreman

28. Beautiful Feet, by Lecrae

29. Tell the World, by Lecrae

• That time I was depressed -

30. Thrive, by Switchfoot

31. Where I Belong, by Switchfoot

32. Lost, by Michael Buble

33. Dust to Dust, by The Civil Wars

34. Aperture, by Sleeping At Last

No one likes to admit depression, especially when you call yourself a Christian. You have people who tell you to "get the Joy of the Lord" or "just be happy." Oh, thanks, that helps a lot. So, like a lot of depressed people, I didn't talk about it. I didn't tell anyone how I felt, and in public I was all smiles all the time. At my work, I was known as the "Happy Headset Girl." No one knew, and most people still don't know, but I went through a really hard time. After my year at Bethel, I went to South Florida to stay with my parents. That entire year I felt so lost; I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, which was traveling and helping people. These songs got me through it. The song Aperture was my anthem. The chorus sings "God, it has been quite a year. I've lived a little bit, and I've died a little more. I know that I've asked it before, but please let the scale tip here in my favor." The next year I met Daniel.

• That time I realized that being myself is ok -

35. King of Anything

"Who cares if you disagree, you are not me." I had a lot of people telling me I needed to be nicer, sweeter, "not weird," and a lot of people saying bad things about me behind my back. This song was exactly how I felt. This was the season in my life when I realized that not everybody was going to like me, and that was ok.

• The worst and best feelings in the world -

36. Be Still, by The Fray

37. Blood, by The Middle East

38. About Today, by The National

My brother Jonathan has been in the hospital more times than I can count. But there was one time - we didn't think he was going to make it. My dad went to the hospital and cried; my dad never cries. I listened to these 3 songs that night, I remember it perfectly. I listen to these songs any time someone I know dies. Death is not easy to deal with, but music helps.

• When I started to love electric beats -

39. Electric Feel, by MGMT

40. Sleepyhead, by Passion Pit

This included Dubstep. It's still some of my favorite music. It makes me feel adventurous.

• That time I met a boy -

41. Uptown Girl, by Billy Joel

42. Human, by The Killers

These two songs were the first songs Daniel played for me when we first started skyping. He was just a cute boy who loved weird/cool music.

• That time I dated a boy -

43. Just The Way You Are, by Bruno Mars

44. Won't Turn Back, by Needtobreathe

45. Without You, by Usher and David Guetta

46. No Other Love, by Chuck Prophet

47. Vivir Mi Vida, by Marc Anthony

Just The Way You Are was the first song that Daniel posted on my facebook timeline when we first started dating. I also listened to a lot of Spanish music because, well he speaks Spanish, but Vivir Mi Vida was my favorite out of them all.

• That time when a boy proposed -

48. Yeha-Noha, by Sacred Spirit

49. Tethered, by Sleeping At Last

50. Everything, by Michael Buble

51. My Dear, by Bethel Music

Yeha-Noha is a Native American song about happiness and prosperity, and I originally wanted to walk down the isle to that song. That didn't happen, but that's because I found a much more perfect song for that.

• That time I married a boy -

52. Come Awaken Love, by Bethel Music

53. A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri

54. Kiss Me, by Ed Sheeran

Come Awaken Love was the song my bridesmaids walked down the isle to; I love love that song. A Thousand Years was my song. One of my bridesmaids, Grace Kimmel, sang that song to a violin/cello instrumental version. When I first heard the song I knew it was the one. It was anything and everything I wanted to say to Daniel ever since I was a little girl praying for him in my room. The moment was like a fairytale. Kiss Me was our first dance, thanks to my sister Rachel for suggesting it.

• When I moved to Colombia with my husband -

55. Home, by Phillip Phillips

56. Step Out, by Jose Gonzalez

I love adventure, and this has been a big one. Step Out continues to be my favorite adventure song. It was in the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. See it. Just see it.

• Now -

57. All of Me, by John Legend and Lindsey Sterling

58. Buttons, by Lecrae

59. God Gave Me You, by Blake Shelton

60. Mushaboom, by Feist

Listen to the song Buttons and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Mushaboom is great, because Daniel and I are building this new life together, and dreaming of a time when we'll have our own house full of kids and a couple dogs. So that's where I'm at. Just enjoying and dreaming.