Wrap me in You.

It's always fun when God takes us to new places. New seasons. New heights. New adventures. Gives us new love, perspective, creativity, etc. I feel like opening my arms wide and saying "Just take me". Take me far, take me high, take me wide, take me in Your love.

God stands with His hands out saying "I will take you. I will take you far, take you high, take you wide, take you in My love." He just wants us to agree with what He's doing. I agree. I agree with what You're doing, Papa. Trap me in You. Wrap me in You. I am Yours.

The Season of Happiness

Papa showed me that He wants me to be joyful all the time. My circumstances should never determine my mood. The Kingdom is what should determine my mood. I'm not saying that we can't have times of mourning when things go wrong, but joy springs from a joyful heart. Life will be fuller, more exciting, and brighter if we see it through the eyes of the Kingdom.

I am learning to cultivate a joyful heart. If I choose to be happy when I would normally be sad, I am one step closer to Papa. It's much harder for me to connect with God when I let sadness overwhelm me. When I realize His love for me, I can't help but be joyful.

Beautiful Girl

I've met a lot of pretty girls. None of them compare to the beauty of the one with "heart". Have you ever seen someone who was so striking to you? They caught you off guard with their beauty? And I don't just mean physical form, either. There is such a brightness that comes with their smile, or the way they speak, or even just the way they carry themselves. Beauty becomes something greater when a girl realizes how much she is valued. She becomes a woman when she knows she is loved.

I have a dear friend who I have been more than honored to watch grow over the last 2 years. She has become something wonderful, or rather, has seen that she has been something wonderful all along. You can tell that there is a change in her. She's just - beautiful. Special. Inviting. Encouraging. Loved. She's one of a kind, and it takes my breath away. I've been gone from her for so long that I am beginning to realize that beauty is much more absent in my life. She brings out the best. This kind of woman brings out the smile and laugh in you, the intellectual discussion, and creative expression. She's got a heart.

The woman with heart is the best woman you will ever meet. She spends so much time with her Papa that she not only knows who she is, but she knows who He is. Their hearts beat together. She is bright and with every word she speaks, she speaks from His heartbeat. This is the kind of woman we all need to know. She makes the world a better place by simply existing. I long for more of these beautiful women. I long to be one of those beautiful women. I know it's a process, and one day, hopefully, it will be achieved. Don't short circuit the process, though. Let Papa work in you - in us.

Creative Expressions

I have always been encouraged to express myself in any way I felt God wanted me to. As a child, creative expression was a big part of every day. My parents were always supportive of my endeavors. Karate, ballet, hip hop dance classes, pottery, sculpture classes, art classes, writing classes (probably the best thing I ever did, honestly), drama classes, acting (I was in the show Oliver), gymnastics, soccer, choir (for 1 year in high school), guitar lessons, photography, our exploring days, kickboxing, the weird food I made for my family when I was kid before I learned I loved cooking. There's a lot more. My parents always supported what us kids wanted to do. I learned what I enjoy and what I hate. Childhood was good. And now that I am grown, I am learning (because of some of the things I did as a child) what my heart is drawn to, and what I find beautiful.

Art, for example, I am returning to. I LOVE painting and drawing. I hated it for a while because I thought I was terrible at it. But it's not about being the best. It's about expressing myself the way I was created to. It may not be that great, or even good right now, but I enjoy it. Organizing, for some strange reason, is beautiful to me. When I organize my room, and get everything in order, it feels SO good. I love posting things on my wall; pictures, art, quotes, etc. I love decorating and organizing in my own creative way. Photography is another one. I learned that I love doing that. Writing, as well. I want to combine all the things I love one day and somehow make money off of it. :)

I love the thought that I now know what is beautiful to me. And I know how to express beauty.

Lucy

In the first few books of the Chronicles of Narnia you can see the close relationship Aslan has with Lucy. Of course He loves all of the children equally, but there seems to be something extra special about the way He goes about things with Lucy. There's an innocence about her, and a faith she holds close.

Aslan seems to look at Lucy with such adoration. She's a child. She believes in things she can not see or touch. She believes in the unbelievable. I think Aslan loves that about Lucy. Also, the way He speaks to her is special. He speaks to her with softness in his voice. Lucy is, and I think always will be, my favorite character of C.S. Lewis'. She can be so naive about the things of the world, and sometimes she doesn't understand. But that's what makes her so great. She has such a heart.

"Courage, dear heart." Is what Aslan spoke to Lucy in one of her toughest times. He recognizes the beauty of her heart, and speaks to it.

Sticking To The Plan

I'm the kind of person who always makes a plan, but has a hard time sticking to it. Then when I do stick to the plan, God comes along and changes things up. Honestly, when I'm not focused on the right things I can get frustrated. I've noticed that when I haven't been spending enough time with Papa on a daily basis, I tend to lose sight of His plans for me, and think that my plans are His.

Right now, the only thing I should worry about is whether I'm spending enough time with Him. Everything else will fall into place if that area is good to go. Every time I talk with dad on the phone I realize how wonderful it is. Because my dad has such great words of wisdom, and prophetic declarations over my life, not talking with him for days can effect the way I view things. I can lose sight of who I am. It's the same with Papa God. If I don't talk with Him on a daily basis, I lose sight of who I am and who I was created to be. I lose sight of His plans for me. I can't hear as clearly the words He speaks over my life. So - get into His presence. Listen to Him. Wait on Him. It's the best decision you'll make all day.

I Noticed You

"Careful when you open
It's easy to be broken
In the strangest fashion
You start a chain reaction
You look my way
Something's pounding away
And I wonder if I ever felt this before

All this time
It was staring me blind
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before

You are reaching for something that is beating
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before
Over and again, racing out of my skin
I can't believe I've never noticed my heart before

At least it was never so obvious as now
Or never, put me back together
In the perfect fashion
Just watch my heart's reaction
This part of you is nothing that I'm used to
But I won't close my eyes cause they're on to you

All this time
It was staring me blind
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before

...The only time I ever noticed my heart

When I noticed You.."

-Noticed, by Mute Math

There's something about certain people. When you get around them you realize your heart - the things you love, the things you hate, the things you find beautiful. Certain people help you see who you are. Certain people you just...love.

Waiting

Papa has given me a lot. He blesses me every time I ask Him to. One thing I've had to get better at is waiting. He asked me today if I loved Him enough to wait for Him to come close. It sounded like a silly question to me, but then I realized my impatience with Him lately. I've been so eager to have Him come close to me, but some days no matter how much I want it, it feels like a lifetime before He shows up. Then He reminded me of my vow for my future husband. I won't go into the details, because it's mainly just for me and Papa and my future man. But the gist of it is, "I will wait. No matter how long it takes you, or how far we have to go to be together, I will wait. You are my beloved, and I am yours. I vow to be yours before we even meet. Let's wait on Papa's perfect timing." Ha.

Talk about taking a lesson from myself! My vow to my future husband should be the same with Papa God. I need to wait - no matter how long it takes, or how far I have to go to be with Him; with waiting comes something great and sweet. I have to be willing to seek Him out, even when I don't feel anything. He is my Beloved, and I am His. I vow to be His in every way before He even shows Himself. And when He does show Himself...it will be so sweet and perfect. Worth waiting for.

Letting Love Rest On Me

The last few days I have really been soaking in Papa's love. I have let Him rest His love on my shoulders. It isn't like my worries or problems or burdens - it feels light and put's my heart at rest. I feel overwhelmed with a warm affection all day. What's amazing to me, is that it feels a bit different every day. His rest, His love, feels a little different each day - a little better - a little easier to accept and ask for. I have found myself searching for Him in everything I do. Like, walking the dog. I've never loved walking the dog as much as I have these past few days. It's like, everything I do, God pours His love into it and makes it beautiful. It's so easy for me to exist; for me to talk and walk and enjoy life. Even when bills haven't been payed, or tuition and missions payments are due, I still have rest in my soul. It's so much easier to be alive.

My Heart

When I set out to write this blog, I wrote 6 paragraphs. I ended up erasing all of it. The truth is, I'm not who you think I am. No excuses. I'm just not what the world sees me as. You see someone who is not afraid to step out or use her humor in conversation. Someone who isn't afraid of being turned down, or sometimes doesn't have feelings at all. You see someone who never feels exposed, or hurt, or misused. You see someone strong who can give advice and take advice well. You see someone who isn't afraid of awkward moments, or even someone who enjoys bringing awkward moments. You see someone with an opinion on everything, who enjoys insulting people and using sarcasm to make herself feel better.

That...is not me. I'm more afraid to step out than most people I know. I'm not sure how I perfected the art of masking it so it looks like I never fear that. It's not like I fear it all the time. In the prophetic, or prayer, I very rarely fear stepping out. But in normal conversation, or intimate times with friends, I fear it most. Or should I say feared it. Papa is dealing with my fear. My fear of intimacy with people. I long, more than anything, to be married. But inside I also fear it more than anything. Being so close to someone. So close to just one person. Someone who will know all of your problems, and your flaws. The person who could potentially hurt you the most. You see, I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of showing someone I love them so much, and then them turning around and bolting. Pain is a part of life. I'm slowly learning this. But the idea of being hurt by the one person you love the most...I don't know whether I could "work through the pain". That's foreign to me. I'm used to putting on a face. Putting on that person who doesn't have a care in the world. Putting on that smile everyone says they love so much. But when it gets down to it, I just want to cry on someone's shoulder.

I want so badly to have that relationship that no man can break. That love that no man can fathom. A love so strong that the devil himself hates us for it. But I've been too afraid. That's why I always say that a man who wants my heart has to earn it. Not because I think he has to work for my love, or I think that's "the right thing to do"...it's because I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to throw myself into a relationship; love someone, and not have it returned. So I say "You have to earn it." Which is code for: "Show me you love me first, then I'll love you back." That's not even real love at all. So Papa took my fear...He took it away. I can't hide in that fear anymore. It doesn't protect me. It never really did a good job of keeping my heart, anyway. So I've returned to my Papa's lap where I can learn how to receive and how to give love again. That person I was so afraid of showing the world has no other choice but to come out of it's hiding place. Sarah Eve. The real me. The real girl I never felt I could show anyone. I feel like an open book...so vulnerable. It doesn't feel comfortable, but it feels right.

I'm in a place now where I can cry. For so long I felt I couldn't cry. It would show way too many people that soft side of me. And I learned as a child that that soft side of me never got what she wanted...that side of me was never accepted. Or so I thought. Papa was saying all the while, "come to Me." I just didn't hear Him. I was too afraid of what the world could see. So this part of me that has been hiding - it's not anymore. And if people don't love me for me...I'll be okay. Because I know Papa loves me for me. He made me. I am free to be - anything. But I'll choose to be me.

Love Is An Action

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-10 (ESV)

I just love these verses. They aren't just "the verses" you learned in sunday school when you were 5. They're life changing. Imagine what the world would be like if we loved each other. If THIS is love, how can we say I love you and then turn around and do the exact opposite? My goal is to make love in my life look like this. I want to love people. And I want to love them the right way. If this is how it should be done, then that's where my heart is set on going. This would be the ultimate wooing process. This is how Jesus takes our hearts; He slowly woos us closer to Him with REAL love - this love in 1 Corinthians. That's where I wanna be. In His heart, resting and learning to love.

Men and Motorcycles

I would like to say that I think men and motorcycles go very well together. They both improve each other greatly. I am not saying that I do not like men who don't have them, or that I don't like men who don't even like motorcycles. No worries. I still think you can be a man with or without one. However, there is something inside of me that just loves that world. The motorcycles, tattoos, metal music, competitive, head banging, skinny jeans world. I always have loved it, and I think I always will. I'm not trying to put men into categories, like, "I can't marry a man unless he is all of those things". No. Definitely not. But there's just something about it that intrigues me. I think it's rugged, manly...and beautiful. That's just the front, though.

Character goes a long way. I don't want a man with all of those things, but who, when he's alone with his buddies, is throwing the F-bomb every other word. I don't really even know if it's possible to find a man the way I envision him. Someone who is so "manly", and his character surpasses everything and everyone else. I'm not sure that really exists at all. Not to mention, shallowness. Good night! The shallowness, I've noticed, that comes with men like that is absurd. I'm not saying that ALL of them are shallow. But I've seen it several times; they want a woman who is perfect in every way. Quiet, skinny and a perfect face. If I could order a man from heaven, his character would be the first on my list. Then if there was room for more, I would add those other qualities (that I noted in the beginning) that I treasure so much. Above all, and maybe the reason I've never had a real relationship before, is that I require a lot. I require proof from him, and I give him chances to prove himself worthy. They very rarely get past the first stage. It would take a VERY special kind of guy to prove himself so well that he gets past the first stage with me.

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. Brought on by conversations with my girl friends this afternoon. We were discussing our "interests", and I thought I would shed some light on what all of our "interests" and concerns were.

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

I can be sometimes very...challenging. I won't lie. Sometimes it can be very hard to understand me from your point of view. Sometimes I can be very sarcastic (I'm still repenting daily for times I use hurtful sarcasm). Sometimes I can be the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. Sometimes I can be in your face, and sometimes I will shrink away. Sometimes I'm loud, and sometimes I'm quiet. Sometimes I joke, and sometimes I'm serious. But here is where I always stay the same; my heart. I have a heart for people. A certain compassion wells up inside of me, and I just want to cry FOR those people. They might not be able to cry, but I can certainly cry for them.

In daily life, I can be pretty fierce. But if you get me alone with someone who is pouring their heart out to me, or I hear a wrenching story...you will see me crying. No doubt. I have a tendency to carry their weight. People don't have a hard time talking to me usually, because whether I've been in their situation or not, I can understand them. If you've never seen me have a heart-to-heart with someone, you may think that that isn't a part of who I am. You may not see that compassion in me - but it is no doubt there.

Here is where the rubber meets the road: I will always love you. No matter what you do, think, or say, I will ALWAYS love you. If it is in my power, I will never leave you. I say quite often "I won't ditch you". It's true. I'm a people person. I can see and connect with what you are feeling. If I have never met you, but see what goes on in your life, I will cry for you. When I hear of someone dying, my heart goes out to them and their families. When someone I love goes through pain, it's as if it was happening to me. It's almost like their issues are my issues. It's important for me (and sometimes I forget) to always lay the burdens at my Papa's feet. It is harder than anything to carry those throughout life as if they were my own. I have to lay them down and trust God will handle it. I am letting you know this, so that when you see this side in me, it won't come as a surprise. And it won't alarm you. It's how I work. I can put aside my sense of humor and just let God use my compassion for people in that moment. I'm not being two-faced, in any way, I'm just shifting with Holy Spirit so He can do what He wants to do through me.

Victoria.

When I heard about her death it hit me. At first, I just sat there. I couldn't believe she died. I was truly believing for her healing all this time. I told myself, "Don't cry, Sarah". Even though I wasn't as involved in her life as others were, I remember her and her wonderful smile. She was beautiful. I love her. So I held it in for a time. Conveniently, I was scheduled for church service. So I went to church, tried my best to hide my sadness, and tried my hardest to put on a smile. I know myself well. If I talk about it, I will cry. There's just no getting around it. When I talk about it, I think of the person...and I can't not cry. I don't know why God gave me the heart He gave me. But it truly goes out to people. I was thinking of her, her family, her close friends. Everything was weighing on me.

My sadness wasn't hidden for long. People could tell. A good friend asked if I was okay. I wasn't going to lie. So I said no. Naturally, I ended up telling him why. He hugged me, and another friend hugged me. In that moment I wanted to break down. I wanted to sob on someones shoulder. But I still held it back. I didn't want to show my "weakness". Through those two hugs, though, it opened something up in my heart. I knew I needed to be comforted.

I went to find a seat and another good friend asked me if I was okay. I took her aside and told her what happened to Victoria. She was sorry for me, gave me a hug and asked if she could pray with me. A group of friends gathered around to pray with me. Still, I didn't cry. Trust me, I was definitely on the verge of major tears. But I still held it back. I knew if I started crying I might not be able to stop. Papa made me heart so tender; something like this just pierces me deep. So I waited. When worship started I had a hard time connecting. It seemed like every song was an invitation for me to enter into something amazing with Papa. But during the first song, I kept away. I didn't know if it was okay to do that after hearing such horrible news. I didn't know if it was okay for me to worship; or if I was even capable. My friend picked up on this, I'm sure. He came over and told me that Victoria was okay. She's in a better place, and she's happy. He told me I needed to praise God through the pain. This may be my only chance to praise God in the midst of all of this. I knew I needed to.

These lyrics were sung next:

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
-The Desert Song by Brooke Fraser

I fell a part. I sobbed uncontrollably. I knew that in everything He was still God, and He was still right there beside me. I knew my friend was right. I needed to praise Him even in my pain...especially in my pain. Papa knows what He's doing. He has a plan. So for all of worship, I poured my heart out. I cried. There were so many things going through my head, and I needed to just let go. So I did. In those moments I never felt any safer. I felt like I was being held in Papa's arms. And I felt like He was holding Victoria's family as well.

"You're Funny."

My real humor only comes out when I'm with people I trust, or people I know well. It's hard for me to be humorous with some people I don't know very well. But when I get to know someone, that side of me comes out. It blends with all the other parts. My sweetness, boldness, spiciness, and fierceness. It kind of all comes together when I show my humor. Some people don't think I'm that funny, but then others could laugh at everything I say. But, if I show that part of myself to you (truly) then you're in. You're in that circle. I now trust you. It's kind of like the key. When you start to notice my humor coming to the surface, it means I am adjusting to you, getting to know you, testing to see whether you will receive my humor or shut me down.

Humor is a big part of my day. I don't live off of it. But laughing is something I just absolutely adore. If you can make me laugh...I mean, truly laugh. Throw my head back, lean forward, hold my stomach from too much laughter, then you've got a gift (that's why Holy Spirit is so amazing to me). I love humorous moments. So if you get to that place in my heart, where I can show my humor, receive your humor, then you've gone to a whole new level. I have really only let a few people into that place, though. It would take a special kind of person to get there. But sometimes people just...go together.