To Be Without

I always thought my faith in God was strong. That is, until my brother died. It's not like I stopped believing in Him or something, I simply found it hard to believe in His goodness. The first couple of days after it happened, I asked "why?" I asked Him why He let this happen. I didn't feel Him close like I always had before, and I was stuck in silence, feeling alone. So I drifted.

I drifted away, farther and farther as the days went by. I had moments of knowing He was there. I started going to a fabulous church and felt convicted every time I was there, because I hadn't opened my Bible since Jonathan died. I cried every time the music played because I know from experience what God's presence feels like, and I missed it in my daily life.

I still would go home and refuse to open my Bible. It wasn't until almost a year later that I agreed to go to Bible study with some of my best friends, and I read the Bible, like actually read more than 1 passage, and talked about God and what we read, for the first time since the incident.

I still went home with a hard heart. I guess over the first year, my heart grew cold toward God. I just stopped, cold turkey, in my communion with Him, and became the worst version of myself. After some time, I felt Him slowly nudging me to return, through Godly friends who loved me through the hardest year of my life. God showed me unconditional love through them. 

There were moments when I would think of Him and miss Him. Moments I would wonder if He missed me too. I wasn't happy when I wasn't with Him. So I went a whole year in unhappiness because of my hard heart.

Last month was the one year mark since Jonny passed. I remember lying in my bed, alone, and thinking back to what life was like a year before. And for the first time in a year, I spoke to Him. I stopped ignoring Him, and I told Him "I want to come back. Please let me come back."

The whole year that I went without speaking to Him, I knew in my heart He was good. I knew He loved me and always took care of me. But I also knew, that if He is good and almighty, I would have to face that question again - "why?" I thought it was easier to just not speak to Him than it was to find out the answer to that question.

I don't know the answer yet, and I'm not sure I ever will. But I know He loves Jonathan. And He loves me. So why am I afraid? 

I'm back to the beginning. I have to rebuild my prayer closet, because I tore it down every time He looked at me and I ignored Him. But grace will help me rebuild it, and hopefully there will be joy again.

Embracing the Change

I have struggled with my weight for a long time. Since I was a teen, really. I can not even remember a time that I wasn't self-conscious of my body or worried about how others saw me (cause let's face it, we are surrounded by ideals of perfection  and what the world wants women to look like). I wish I could say that in my imperfection, I am secure. I am much more secure than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go before I feel comfortable in my own body.

In my opinion, it isn't about how much I weigh. Rather, it's about how the world views overweight individuals, and how that view shapes how women feel about themselves. My self-image can't be fixed simply by losing weight; it's never that easy. I think you have to change your mindset before you change your body, because our bodies are just shells of who we are. We try to use these bodies to express who we are on the inside, but not everyone is gifted with fast metabolisms, blemish-free skin, and perfectly working organs! 

Sometimes we feel our external doesn't always represent our internal. I'm on a mission to change that. I want the world to see the confident Sarah I sometimes feel I am on the inside. Instead, too many times, the world sees an anxious, worried and self-conscious Sarah. I want my body to do what I feel I have a right to as a woman: carry children. I feel like a mother inside, but it hasn't manifested in my body. I feel I was meant to be fit and happy, but it hasn't manifested. 

In the spirit of change, and aligning my body with my mind, I've changed so many things within the past 3 weeks. I finally feel a bit of hope that I could one day represent everything I feel I was made to be, on the outside and not just on the inside. When I tell people about the changes I've made, they think I'm being silly and it's just a fad that I'll soon drop. But I've never felt more like myself than I have in the past few weeks; why would I abandon that?

On a whim one day at Barnes & Nobles, I bought the Trim Healthy Mama Plan book. My moms best friend messaged me some months ago and told me about it; she encouraged me to try it, since there have been so many women who have struggled with infertility who after eating on the Trim Healthy Mama plan, finally were able to conceive! I didn't do much but a simple google search, and I guess the first thing I read was a negative review and it deterred me. But then that day in the bookstore I felt something tugging at me to buy the book, so I did. I read it within a week, and soaked up all the knowledge. I didn't start slowly; instead I jumped in wholeheartedly! I cut out sugar completely, cut out all junk food (I wasn't really eating much, but my guilty pleasure has always been ice-cream). I learned how to make all of my favorite kinds of food, but separating my carbs from my fats. I still get the energy I need from a carb and protein based meal once a day (my carb is usually whole grains/sprouted grains), and my other meals are so enjoyable and satisfying with healthy fats and proteins! I still enjoy sweet treats, but I don't use sugar anymore - I use a stevia sweetener.

I've been able to adapt much easier than I thought I could or ever would. I have a LONG way to go, and haven't lost much weight. No sign of a baby, either, but I can testify to feeling better. I didn't know that I could be happy and healthy at the same time. I thought I had to choose between the two. 

I'm hoping that one day my outside will reflect my inside, but for now I'm glad to be journeying that way. This is not a diet. I want you to understand that. I am changing my lifestyle and the way I view food, so that I can finally be happy and free and healthy, inside and out! I am giving my best effort here, because I'm tired of being tired, or having cravings for ice-cream and almost always giving in to that craving and spiking my blood sugar and then crashing hard, and I'm ready to have a baby. It's been almost 2 years of trying, and if not eating sugar, among other things, will heal my body and help Daniel and I conceive, it's a sacrifice I am 100% willing to make for our future children! I know it's a process, and my adrenals need time to heal from the damage, so my body can achieve optimal health, so that my child has a healthy home to live in for 9 months. But I am finally excited again for that possibility of a child. 

2015 sucked.

How else could I describe 2015? 

I am not saying that there was nothing good about that year, but I will not miss it even a little bit. When the clock counted down to 2016, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. 

2015 was the year I lost my little brother. 2015 was the year I lost my hope.

2015 was the year I almost lost my faith.

2015 was the year I cried myself to sleep half the time.

2015 was the year I hoped for babies, but they never came.

2015 was the year we moved.

2015 was the year we doubted.

2015 was the year we struggled, with every fiber.

2015 was the year my stress levels went through the roof.

2015 was the year I went back to work in the United States.

2015 was when my career hopes were crushed.

2015 was a failure.

I need 2016. I need it to be better. I need hope and love and faith, and Jesus. I need good things, financial freedom and for my husband to get approved to be a resident of the United States. I need to foster my friendships and spend more time reading my Bible. I need to get a job doing something I love and where I can be a leader and showcase my strengths. I need to surround myself with people who appreciate my talents instead of resent them. I need to invite truthful and honest people to be apart of my circle of friends. I need life. 

I admit that some things in 2015 were my own fault, and there were some things that helped me grow; if it weren't for a few different people, I may not have made it out of 2015 alive. But for the most part, I felt defeated and abused towards the end, and I desperately need new life and growth. 

Part of me feels like a terrible Christian for admitting such failure and such a terrible year. But I think it's wrong to sugar coat things and pretend like it's something it isn't. It wasn't a good year, and I'm glad it's gone. 

I'm ready for blessings. Please God.