Desiring A Promise

Since I was 13 I have had a pact with God to stay pure my entire life. To the best of my ability, I have kept that promise the whole time. Of course, the world can subject you to things you wouldn't subject yourself to. But when you keep your mind on Christ and your eyes and heart off of what is evil, you are good to go.

God told me a couple years ago that He was going to bless me more than I could imagine and bring me all of the desires of my heart because of my faithfulness. The beginning of a new year means a little more to me this go round. I have this feeling deep inside that some of those desires I have, those promises yet fulfilled, will be available to me starting next year (1 and a half hours from where I am right now, to be exact). I can hardly wait...literally. I feel like a new chapter is about to be unfolded. The new year comes in, and then my birthday only a few days after. Excitement for all things new is present in my heart.

The Holiday Season

It's a happy day. I was able, through many miracles, to come home for Christmas and New Years this year. It's tough when you're out at school, half way across the country, unable to see the people you've been in close relationship with your entire life. But I'm here. Visiting old traditions has been my favorite. Sipping hot cocoa, watching It's A Wonderful Life (which gives me new revelation every time), doing advent, reading christmas books, decorating, etc. It's all so wonderful and bright and beautiful.

Today I am so thankful for my family. I'm glad to be home with them for this season. If you are unable to get home for Christmas, just remember, even when you think you're alone - you're not.

A Familiar Spirit

Fear and worry have gripped me several times. Since coming to Bethel, I have had these things broken off of me, and been free of them. Recently, they've been coming back. I find it easy to fall into the same habits when I don't guard my mind and present myself before the Lord daily. I know that worrying doesn't make anything better, but deep inside I feel bad for being happy when I have so many things going wrong in my life.

Money, for example, is a huge deal. I've never had to keep up with my finances like this before. I paid rent to my parents, but never like this. I have never had to worry about whether I would have enough for my next payment on tuition, or whether I would be able to pay for my rent. I've never had to worry about having a job or not having a job. But now - it's all changed. Everything was dumped on my plate when I left home. In the back of my mind I think, "why isn't God blessing me so abundantly when I've obeyed Him and left home to seek His face?" But God is blessing me. I just can't see the full harvest quite yet.

I need to trust. God has a prefect plan. And although the numbers say I owe a LOT of money, God says "I got your back, little one. Stay with Me." So, that's what I gotta do.

The Love Dare

I dare you to act out of love. Treat people as if they were pure gold; as if they really meant the world to you. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13.

We should show one another our love. Not just assume they know. Lay your life down for people. Be a lover. Be an encourager. When you don't feel like loving someone, do it anyway. Lay your wants down - and show them they are still loved.

Losing Everything - Gaining Everything

I've lost more in the last 4 months than I have in my entire life. But I've gained so much more as well. My life has consisted of doing the normal routine everyday. I broke free from that to move to California and give everything I had to Papa. But it seems I've lost so much that I had. I know I can trust Jesus with my everything...but it's hard. It's especially hard to be away from the ones you love when you and them are going through your hardest trials yet. I have never had to suffer through the loss of a loved one until a year ago. And now it seems I've lost many in the past 3 months.

People mean so much to me. Even if I don't know them, I cry for them. The other day my mom called to tell me that my aunts mother died. She was a grandma to us. I didn't cry. I didn't even feel sadness. Until today. It came like a flood, overwhelming me inside. Losing something so precious as a life...it's hard. But I know - I know God will take care of my loved ones. He's holding their hands when I can't be there for them. He's leading them to a better place. Trials are hard to face. And I've certainly had plenty in the last 4 months. But God is holding my hand, too. He's telling me it will be okay. I can cry. I can feel sadness for people. It's okay. He said, "just don't pull away from Me." So I don't intend to. I'll stay beside Him, even now, when I've lost another loved one. Because, I know, we'll all be together in the end.

I feel like that picture above. It's raining, and I can choose to retreat inside and put up my walls to protect me. Or I can take my walls down, get my umbrella out, and walk in the rain. Who knows, it could even turn into dancing. I have to work through the pain, not run away from it. And I can't shut out the One who always loves me - in and out of everything. I don't want Him to have to work around my walls - I want Him to have free access to my heart. And so He does. He has my heart. He knows my suffering, and out of this I will become even stronger. Out of yet another loss, I will be even closer to Him.

Even though I have lost much, and it becomes easy to dwell on that, I know I have gained much. I have become so close to my Papa's heart. I have learned to lean on Him when things get too hard. I've learned that He should never have to work around my walls. I've learned to be open, inviting, loving, sweet, and tender. I've found a new love. And it's better than anything.

In My Arms

I think I figured it out
We need to be together
Like the shore and the sea
We are not one thing
We're drawn here together
My ocean and me

I dream to hold you in my arms
I dream to hold you in my arms
To hold you in my arms
Wide awake in my arms

-Jon Foreman, In My Arms

Papa spoke to my heart last night in a dream. I haven't dreamt about marriage for several years, and was starting to wonder if it was still something I really truly wanted. I asked God before I fell asleep to speak to my heart; to share His passion for me; to show me my dreams, and His desires for me. Well He did. He showed me that He has someone specific for me. Someone special. It's no secret, I want to be a mother. He said not to worry; He would bring someone who wanted to be a father just as bad. We would be perfect for each other.

I've always wondered if marriage was a legit desire. I know that sounds stupid. But I always thought "Most people have dreams to do all this crazy stuff and here I am with a desire to be married." I have other dreams too, but one of my biggest desires is to be married and have children. Papa totally affirmed that in me last night. People were made different, to walk out different callings. He put this desire in me, and it isn't wrong. It was the best dream He could have ever given me. It showed me that I was created for him, and he was created for me. Not to worry. Not to fret. Papa would bring him to me when we were ready. So today, Jon Foreman's song was in my head. "My ocean and me".

His Name For Us

I was reading Supernatural Ways of Royalty this past week or two, and the thing that impacted me the most was when Kris was talking about our name, and how names really effect how we view things. Then today in class, I was talking with Laura (my revival group Pastor) and she led me to my secret place with Papa. I saw myself as a little girl again, and Papa put a white dress on me and twirled me around the room. He told me that He named me Sarah for a reason. There's a reason I was the first born daughter, and He gave me my name. Sarah Eve. I really am a princess, and I'm not afraid of it anymore. It makes me so happy to think that I am Papa's princess, and I can carry myself as royalty. It's comforting.

As a little girl, I hated my name. I'm not sure I ever told anyone that. But I just hated being called "Sweet Sarah", or "Sarah Bearah" or "Princess" or "Sarah Eve", etc. But now...I would give anything to be called those special names again. Papa told me He loves calling me special names. :) Sweet Sarah. I've been running from that my whole life; trying to be everything but sweet, and now it's time for me to embrace who I was created to be. It's good.