Not too long ago, I identified myself as a writer (and in some small way, I still do), but just have not found the time to write in the last year. I haven't even found time to journal, which is so crazy for me, because for about 6 years straight I wrote in my journal on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. Once I got married, it's like I lost time for everything normal in my life. My life became this whirlwind, roller-coaster that never seems to stop.
Now here I am, having gone through one of the craziest years of my life, and I have hardly any journal entries or blog posts to prove it! However, as usual, as the year comes to an end, I have this desire to reflect.
Like I've said, it was a whirlwind. This last year seemed like it would never come to an end, and we are still not finished (one more month)! It was one disaster after another, followed by something beautiful and then something else beautiful, tears and heartbreak like I've never experienced, and then real life growth that followed that heartbreak. I felt like I died a million times, and then was reborn all over again. Every day was a struggle, but every day was beautiful.
They say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I have heard some wild, crazy stories of the "first year" in marriages. So when I look at our first year compared to those stories, I am thankful! When it comes to Daniel and I, relationship-wise, just us with nobody else involved or personal circumstances (job, etc), we did pretty well. We didn't fight every day, we didn't almost kill each other, and I think we might have gone to sleep mad at each other a total of 1 or 2 times. We were dedicated to working out our problems. I am thankful God gave me such an awesome guy who made the "first year" much easier than they say it should be.
Our marriage, however, was not the only thing I dealt with the entire year. If marriage wasn't enough of a change, there were a million other things! Only 2 weeks after we got married, I moved with Daniel to Bogota, Colombia, became a resident and have been living here a little over a year now. I have always been extroverted and love to see new places and experience new things! So this was an adventure, but the hardest adventure I have ever embarked on! It is a totally different culture, a different language, and just a different way of life in general.
I grew up in the United States of America, and I worked since I was 11 years old. My parents instilled in me responsibility and making money for myself and being independent, and all that super USA stuff. So when I moved to a country where it is totally acceptable for the children to live with their parents until they are married (and often times never even move out, even when they do get married), and they don't even pay RENT, my mind was blown! I couldn't believe all these people were totally okay with not being independent adults who take care of themselves and make their own food, pay for everything themselves. It was/is the hardest thing for me in changing cultures. On one hand, I like part of it, but on the other hand, having my in-laws in my business at all times was not something I enjoy/ed.
Then the daily struggle of not being able to say exactly what I want to say whenever I want to say it - wow! So difficult for a super extrovert! It was so hard for me to be in social situations without participating in conversation, that I started to retreat inside of my little apartment and insisted on being a "stay-at-home-wife" who cleaned and cooked because I just never wanted to leave the house! But I didn't like to clean, and I didn't like the silence of being alone, and I didn't like being a fake-introvert. It wasn't me. So I started working as a tutor, which gave me 5 hours outside of the house daily, but that still didn't fix my problem of feeling bottled up, because I still couldn't speak Spanish because I had no practice time. So I continued in the crazy-cycle of feeling extroverted inside and wanting to express myself, but totally unable to do it.
In the middle of all this, my dear Aunt Pat died. She lived in the USA, and I lived in Colombia, so here I was mourning the death of a beloved family member, unable to be there with my family. So I mourned alone; I stuffed more feelings deep down inside of myself, unable to really express how I felt to anyone but Daniel. On top of this, no one really knew how to talk to me, the same as I didn't know how to talk to them. I remember receiving only one phone call from a friend during that hard time (it was really simple: just "hope you are okay, and I understand"), and after that phone call I went into my bedroom and cried for 20 minutes straight because I just wanted to know that someone understood that I couldn't be strong anymore.
About 5 months later, Daniel and I dealt with one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with. For me, it broke my heart into a million pieces, killed me, and I thought I would fall into a serious depression. Just 6 months before I was a happy extroverted young woman, whose only worry was planning my wedding. Now here I was laying on the floor, weeping for the loss of yet another life. A babies life. A baby we thought we would adopt and raise as our own; but the mother decided to abort the baby, despite having the option of giving the baby to us. I felt broken, totally empty. I felt like I would never be myself again, not really. Too many things had happened, and I felt like I didn't really exist anymore. I was just a hollow version of myself, but I wasn't there. I wasn't really present in my own life anymore, and I honestly didn't want to be, because it felt like too much pain and I just couldn't handle it anymore.
After 3 weeks of walking around feeling like this, I got a job at a Christian School. My friends tell me that when they first met me or noticed me, I looked like a really serious and quiet person with no remarkable traits. In that moment, I was dead, so I can't imagine them seeing Sarah - they saw my shadow, not me. After a few weeks, the Lord used those precious people to help me open up again. I learned to love again. I learned to talk about things again. I learned to be Sarah again. And just as I started to be me again, I got news that my Uncle Fred died. In that moment it was like my world stood still. So much death in only 9 months. I didn't think I could handle it, so I tried not to handle it. Then I just broke down in the middle of class. But this time I wasn't alone; I was surrounded by people who I call true friends, and they held me and told me it was going to be okay and I was going to make it through. And I did make it through.
About a week later I was 99% convinced that I was pregnant. I was singing inside! All this pain in one year was going to be washed away by this new life that was going to come into our lives! I felt new: I felt refreshed - sick, but refreshed! A month later I got my period. I was so late, and it didn't make any sense. It still doesn't make sense, and I don't understand what happened. All I know is that I wasn't pregnant. That hope for a life, again, slipped through my fingers. Every month I waited to see if I was pregnant, and every month I wasn't. This deep desire for a child continues to grow and yet, for some reason, isn't fulfilled. Every month, it's the same story. I hope and pray for a baby, the baby never comes, and I end up a mess on the floor, crying my eyes out.
I believe 100% that we will be pregnant and we will have lots of babies and all this pain will be just a memory. The fulfillment of that dream, however, seems like an eternity away. Yet we pray. We pray that all this pain, all this death in only a year, would not be in vain. That one day we would hold our baby in our arms, and one day when we go to heaven, we would see all the loved ones we lost (because there were also 2 friends that died this past year as well), and even the baby we never met!
This was the hardest year of my life, but even through all of the hard things, I am reminded of life and love. I have Jesus, and I am surrounded by people who pick me up when I am on the floor in a mess. They show me the light, and they show me the love and I am eternally grateful for these people. The Lord turns every bad situation into beauty! We can't always see it immediately, but He does it. He is faithful, and we do not suffer for nothing. We have His Promises to hold on to, and we will continue to do that!
Here's to hoping that next year's "reflection blog post" is a bit sweeter. Hey, maybe next year's post will include stories of new life instead of loss.
