2 Months Later...

The realest, most raw experience I've ever had was the moment Jonathan died and the days that followed. The reality that life is fragile and we don't know how long we have is like a shadow that follows me everywhere I go. 

I see life through different eyes; it's not as bright. I'd like to say at the end, when the mourning season has passed, that I got through unscathed, but I'm afraid that would be a lie. I'd like to say I'm still an optimist with rose colored glasses and a bright outlook on the world, but I'm afraid it won't be true. I'm afraid the mourning season will never pass and I'll never get through it, scathed or not. 

Sometimes I feel like it's back to life as usual; I get up in the morning with a pep in my step and ready to greet the world with a smile. Other days I don't even want to get up at all. On those days, I often retreat inside myself, or even get to a place where I can't be seen or heard and simply cry. Sometimes that feeling comes at the most inopportune time and I have to excuse myself. 

People around me often times forget that mourning is a season we go through; it doesn't pass in a day. It's different for everyone; sometimes it lasts for years - I pray to God this feeling doesn't last that long, because it's almost unbearable at times. 

It's especially hard on the days when it's impossible to forget - days like today. It's been 2 months without his cooing and smiling. It's been 2 months without his kissable cheeks and soft skin. It's been 2 months of me trying to push my feelings further down into the caverns of my heart. It's been 2 months of mourning, and I'm not finished. I can't say when it will all be over, or even if I'll be able to pinpoint the exact moment it happens, I just know it's not now. 

I still have my own issues I'm dealing with that have come brewing to the surface ever since the tragedy happened. It's like none of those things mattered until Jonathan passed. Now they matter, but it's even harder to deal with them in the wake of such a terrible event. It's hard to put into words, it just feels like everything is jumbled up, and I'm not sure what to even do with myself at times.

I feel like I'm of no use most days. Not much of a friend lately, and can't seem to be much good at anything. Yet, there still seem to be people in my life who have stuck around through the mess. There have been those who kind of trickled off after it happened, even friends I thought were close before didn't say a word when he passed. I'm thankful for the ones who sit with me in my mourning and accept me for all the broken pieces I am, and I know they'll be there when I'm whole again, even if I'm not the same as I was before. 

There is a time for mourning

Since it happened, I haven't been able to write, not even in my journal. Every time I sit down to write about it, my mind either goes blank or I can't stop the tears from flowing. Writing about things usually helps me process, but this time I don't want to process it. When people ask "how are you doing?" I shrug my shoulders or do my best to finish the conversation as quickly as possible. My brother died, and I watched it happen; there was nothing we could do to save him. I watched as his little body went limp and his eyes closed and the heart monitor went flat with a question mark. He didn't have a heart beat anymore; no pulse. I was surrounded by my two younger sisters and my parents. It was immediate - we knew he was gone and there was nothing more that could be done. That hurts.

The doctors said when he was born that he wouldn't live past 2 or 3 days; that his little body just couldn't support life outside of the womb. He lived to be 14 years old. Even now as I write that, I know it's a miracle; but he's not here now. Part of me wonders: he lived all that time and beat all the odds, but for what? Now he's gone. The part of me that mourns my brothers death says that it's not fair and it doesn't make sense! Why did we have to fall in love with this perfect and flawed child, and then have him snatched away right in front of us? 

But there's another part of me; the part that knows God is good. The part that knows that there were lessons in life I may have never learned if it weren't for Jonathan's perfectly flawed presence on this earth. I would never have learned what true unconditional, sacrificial love looked like: helping give to and take care of a little person who can give nothing in return. I would never have learned real patience, perseverance, what real strength looks like, and how close he made our family. He truly was a miracle and fixed many broken pieces inside of us.

When I watched him fade away in the hospital, and in that moment that he was finally gone, I felt an emptiness. It wasn't the same emptiness I felt several times upon hearing the loss of a friend or when I heard of the passing of my Great Aunt. It hurt every time, but this time was different. It was a deeper emptiness; something inside of me felt missing, like I was broken.

My brother just died. I know he's in heaven, and he's happy and laughing and running and talking. There's no greater joy than knowing that he finally feels no pain and he knows things maybe I'll never know until I've passed from this life as well. However, there is a storm raging under the surface, and sometimes it peaks itself out at random moments.

I can write about it now, though. It's been 2 weeks today since it happened. He's gone, and yet he's healed and perfect and whole. I can rest in knowing he is safe in the arms of his loving Savior. We can't be with him here, but one day we will all be united again at the celestial gates. I know for now, in this life I live, I will live and love with great joy. With every breath I breathe I will thank God, because this body is not mine; I am only renting space here for however long I am able. 

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.” -Psalm 116:15

Our Big News

As you may have read on Facebook (or not), my husband and I have some exciting news to share with the world! You may have been following my recent updates on life, and I just want to say we are NOT PREGNANT. I don't want to write a long blog post with that being in the back of some of your minds. Hopefully soon, but not yet!

Now, on to the real news: after prayer and consideration, Daniel and I have decided to officially make our move to the United States! We have been planning for a while to make the move in January, but some unexpected things happened in the previous weeks that made us consider leaving earlier. After a few days, we made the official decision. I will be going back to the States on July 25, just a couple weeks from now, and Daniel will be following shortly after. Daniel and I decided that he would wait a while, because he needs to finish selling some of our belongings and sending the rest to the States. He also needs to get all of his papers together so we are prepared to start his visa process as soon as he gets there. 

We are excited about what God has for us in this new season, and I am excited to be with my family for a while, as it is very much needed right now. We are excited, but as always, it is bittersweet to leave. This has been Daniel's home his entire life, and he has never lived far away from his family; we have lived almost the last 2 years together, here in Bogota, so starting a new life together in another place will be difficult most likely. 

It is also hard for me to leave my current job. It isn't just a job for me anymore, it's a ministry. 90% of my life are my students, and I will miss them incredibly! They have become more than just students to me; they are my brothers and sisters, my kids, my friends, etc. They remind me of everything good in the world and make me feel like I could be a good mom one day. I will never forget them, and I'll always tell my kids about the time in my life when I got to minister to the best teenagers I ever knew. 

However, Daniel and I feel strongly that this is the best thing for this season of our lives. We are excited, scared, sad, happy, nervous, everything! We simply ask that if you are our friend or relative that you pray for us during this time, do not judge our decision or make the presumption that you have a say in our decisions we make as a married couple! Please support us and love us as we make our transition, and feel free to ask non-judgmental questions! We have had a lot of people tell us they don't agree with our decision, or even support us, and that is not what we need right now! Please trust that we can make mature, adult decisions alone! ;)

To our Colombian friends and family, we will miss you dearly, and you will always have a place to stay if you ever visit the United States! :) This isn't goodbye, it's only See You Later! 

A Letter to My Students

Dear student,

I know we have only known each other for a couple of months, but I feel like we've known each other for a much longer time. I don't know if you know this, but I talk about you to my family all of the time. Sometimes I think my husband wants me to stop talking about you so much. ;)

There are some things I want you to know. The first is that I am 100% dedicated to your growth, not only in your knowledge of English, but in every aspect of your life. I want you to grow up to be good people who serve your communities and love your neighbors with the love of God. I want to see you grow up to be successful and independent adults who are able to conquer whatever mountain is standing in your way. I believe, with all of my heart, that you can do anything you set your mind to. With perseverance, passion and the Grace of God, you can and will make your dreams a possibility! You are bright, intelligent, and full of character. You will conquer the world! I want you to know, if you are standing alone in front of a giant and you need backup, I will be in your corner! You can count on me to cheer you on in all of your endeavors!

The second thing I want you to know, is that you are not alone. I know sometimes you feel alone even in the middle of a crowd of people, but you are not alone. You have people who are with you, who are praying for you every day. I don't know if you know this, but I pray for you all the time. Whether it's on a day of a test, or if you are having trouble with your family, I am praying for your success. When you tell me about your life, your words don't fall to the ground. I am always remembering what you tell me, and praying for God to be with you in the midst of your struggles. You are always on my mind, even when I go home at night! I pray for you more than I pray for myself.

The third thing I want you to know, is that you are important. There are some students who need a little extra attention in the classroom, and sometimes outside of the classroom, but that doesn't mean I don't see you. You are just as important, and I see everything you are doing (or not doing in class ;)) so that I can better help you in the future. Do not ever think you are not important to me, or that I don't see your successes! Every time you do something right, or better, I am ecstatic! I only want to see you succeed! 

To be honest, I never thought I was capable of loving this many people at the same time, but you have proved me wrong. Every one of you. In the future years when I hear about your many successes, I will remember back to the time when we sat in English class together and talked about your dreams and goals, and I'll say to myself "I always knew they could do it! I never doubted for even a second!"

You're a cool kid, and that's an important thing to remember - you're still a kid. Don't be in a hurry to grow up so fast! Enjoy this time with your friends and family, and be happy in this moment.

Your English Teacher, and biggest fan,

Sarah. 

Ps: I'll be happy if even one of my own kids turns out to be as awesome as you! 

When Your Prayers Go Unanswered

Everyone loves to talk about the amazing miracles God performs; healing, promises fulfilled, prophecy, good deeds, etc. I love all of those testimonies, and will never say anything bad about them or question their accuracy, because I believe God is a big God and definitely works miracles.

But nobody wants to talk about the prayers that go unanswered; the unfulfilled promises; the prophecies that never come to pass, etc. What do you do when you have a prayer that, as far as you can see, so far, has gone unanswered? 

I don't know why God chooses some people to heal, and others not. I don't know why some people suffer their whole lives from illness and then die from it. Or others who get cancer, their friends and family pray and pray, and yet nothing happens. Or the countless amount of women who live on their knees crying out to God for a child, but no child comes. 

What do you say to those people? "We're believing for your miracle" but no miracle comes? 

What do you do when you become one of those people? 

I think there is 1 of 2 things that happen in these situations; you either stop believing completely, or your faith gets stronger. 

Here's my story (it's not over yet, and a miracle certainly can come any day, but it doesn't stop the pain while I wait for it). 

I lived my entire life dreaming of having a family. A husband (check), beautiful kids (a lot of them), and a huge house to put them all in. I just always knew I wanted to be a mom; I mean, my middle name MEANS "mother!" How can I have a middle name that embodies everything I want to be, and yet when the time comes, it's so much harder than I imagined. 

I used to pray for "Hannah's" (1 Samuel 1:10) all the time. I used to believe for their future pregnancies, but I never knew a "Hannah" personally. I never saw them weeping in their bedrooms, crying out for a child, empty inside because they can't enjoy the basic right of being a woman: holding your newly born child in your arms.

I never sat with a Hannah and watched her smile slowly fade every time she realized she might never be a mom - at least not naturally. God could work a miracle, but while she waits, she hurts. And the comments from people, like "when are you going to start having babies?" don't make things easier, because you would have babies if you could. You and your husband are trying, but nothing is happening. That's not your fault.

I never knew a Hannah, until I became one. I find myself crying every Sunday during worship, kneeling down in God's presence like Hannah did, crying out for a child. I 100% believe that God will fulfill His promise for me to have children - but while I'm waiting, it's painful. All I've ever wanted is children at my feet, to teach, to love, to hold. It's my biggest desire, and yet my biggest struggle.

I don't know why God won't fulfill this promise now; I don't know why I feel this emptiness inside; but I do know one thing: God is good, and God is love. I may not understand Him at times, or the things He does (or doesn't do), but I know that He loves me and only has good things for me. If I need to go through a season of emotional suffering in His name, I will do it. Because I know He is good, and only has my best interests at heart. 

Something I feel God is asking me in this season of struggle and lack, is this: "If you found out that you would never have a child, that I would never do a miracle, would I be enough for you? Would I be enough to fill your emptiness?" That is a hard hard question, and I am still working on saying Yes.  

So what do you do when your prayers aren't answered? You believe anyway, and tell yourself "God is good, and God is love." 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)