From the battlefield to the bedroom

In my devotional time this morning, I was thinking over my life, the reasons why I haven't done certain things, and the choices I've made.  Most people who know me know my choice for purity.  They know that I've never had sex, and I don't want to until I'm married, but their knowledge doesn't really go much further than that.  I felt prompted this morning to write this blog about purity, and tell you why I choose this life.  If I leave anything behind when I die, I want to leave a legacy.  I want to be the example of purity in my children's lives, and incite a sexual revolution (of a new kind) in the hearts' of the people around me.

Purity means different things to different people; I want to tell you what it means to me by painting a picture.

I want to look back on the days when a man, literally, was required to fight for a woman.  If a man was to receive the love of a woman, he had to first earn it; he had to go through fire to earn the greatest gift a man could have ever received - a wife.  Only after proving himself and his honor, not only to the woman, but to the entire village or town, could he have the privilege of her love and take her to be his wife.  It's a beautiful picture.  However, those days seem to be long gone.  No more are the days when a woman was valued for her gift of virginity (in heart, mind, body and soul).  No more are the days when it was an honor for a man to marry a woman of purity.  No more are the days when he not only had to prove himself to her, but to her family, her friends, her community!

Instead, we live in a society where it's "uncool" to be pure; where the pure kid is the "prude" kid.  Our society says that if it feels good it must be good.  Instead of sharing our most precious gift (sexuality) with only one human being for the rest of our lives, we are trapped in a culture that says we need to have multiple sex partners so we "know what we like".  It says in Galatians 5:13 that we are called to freedom, but we shouldn't use our freedom "as an opportunity to indulge your flesh".

I was very blessed to have been raised in a home with extremely high standards and traditional values; where I was taught not to give away the rare gift I have to any man who is not worthy of it. "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6. He has to earn the treasure. "A worthy woman, who can find? For her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10
I know that my decision for purity has a lot to do with the home I grew up in, the community that surrounded me, etc.  But in my teenage and young adult years, I have had more than enough opportunities to throw it all to the wind and join the "sexually free" crowd of people.  But I didn't do it, because I have a vision.

I do not see myself giving my virginity away in a boys bedroom, in his bed, in his parents house with a very high risk of getting caught (ugh...what a terrible experience that would be).  I do not see myself paying for a crappy hotel room with cash because of fear of my parents seeing the charge on my card.  I do not want to put myself in a situation that is a danger to my health, my future, my peace of mind, or my soul.  I do not want to live my life in regret or shame because of one stupid, impulsive decision. I also don't want to get pregnant. haha...no but seriously, all the birth control and condoms in the world, sometimes, just can't prevent it from happening.  That's a risk I'm not willing to take.
I have a vision for my life, and it does not involve any of the above scenarios.  Instead, I want to live my life in freedom; freedom from condemnation, shame and guilt.  Free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, because I'll be MARRIED (which is gonna be awesome...one day...). I will give that gift away; the gift that I have fought to keep safe my entire life, on my wedding night, to my husband, because he will have earned the right to have my love.  To me, it's that simple.  I realize it isn't that simple to everyone, and I'm only talking about what I believe should happen, but not about how to do it.


As Kris Vallotton says in his book "Purity", we have to make it from the battlefield to the bedroom.  Because let's be honest here, life is a battlefield.  Temptation is very real, and even the purest people are tempted.  The evil one is cunning like a snake ("But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ." 2 Corinthians 11:3), but my God is good, and His goodness and His love are what keep me on track; it keeps me from biting, at times, the absolutely delicious looking apple. It is a battle, but we can win it.


It says in Hebrews 4:15 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." Which means sexual temptation as well.  The Bible also says that Christ would never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle, and He will ALWAYS provide a way out, and a way for us to conquer it (1 Corinthians 10:13).
That doesn't mean that we should willingly put ourselves in compromising places because "there's no temptation we can't handle", because the Word speaks of wisdom as well.  In Proverbs 4:7 it's completely clear; it says, "get wisdom!"  And in Proverbs 19:8, "Whoever gets sense loves his own soul..."  Well my "sense" tells me "don't go into that situation; you're smarter than that!"  Just because we have the ability to resist temptation does not mean that we should be hanging out on the edge of the ledge just hoping we don't fall off... A pure heart without wisdom and understanding is most likely not going to last.


(I would like to say that if you have not lived your life in purity or you have already given away your virginity, the Bible says  in Hebrews 10:22 that you can "draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with [your] heart sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and [your] body washed with pure water." You can be washed clean and made new, and I fully believe that Christ has the power to restore your purity and virginity in heart, mind, body AND soul. I have a very dear friend who made the choice to give away his gift at a very young age, but he is living his life restored, and I believe he is pure again and that the Lord, in His grace, also restored his virginity.)

In the world we live in, it is very hard to find someone who values purity the way the Lord intended.  Purity should be celebrated, talked about, and honored.  If you value your purity, you will pray for a husband or a wife who will value and protect it in the same way, because they will understand the fight you have had to go through to keep it.
I am lucky to be dating a man who values my purity.  When I told him about my past, the decisions I've made to keep myself pure, the prayers I prayed...his reaction was unimaginable.  He told me that I was exactly what he prayed for, and that he felt so honored and blessed to be dating me.  Wow!  He feels honored and blessed to be with me? Amazing.  Daniel tells me all the time how much he loves my pure heart.  He doesn't belittle me for choosing a pure life, and he doesn't make me feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm "un-experienced".  God has blessed me with a man with a pure heart, who chooses to fight for me in a world where the fight has become "unnecessary" to receiving the "prize".

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Relationships: Sometimes it's not all peaches and cream

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow, fall in order to know, lose in order to gain. And sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again."

Before I write this, I want to give a disclaimer. I am not a woman who has been married for 23+ years with 6 children (like my parents), and I am not a woman who has been in countless relationships with a broken heart.  I am not an 80 year old woman who has loved and lost, either.  I am a 21 year old woman who has only had one boyfriend (which happened about 5 months ago), with some crazy ideas about marriage and dating.  I have run into a LOT of people who tell me I am not qualified to speak on the subject of dating, or relationships, because I "don't have enough experience".  And while I believe they could be right in some respect, they are not right entirely.  Sometimes you can learn from other people's mistakes, gain wisdom from the Father above about something you don't understand, and you can even give advice when you've never been through that situation.  Also, my 5 month experience with my boyfriend Daniel, although through the world's eyes it doesn't look like such a long time, has really given me a lot of insight into this funky love stuff.

Dating is my favorite subject to talk about.  It always has been.  And I've found that when I talk about it, there are always ears eager to hear, and mouths eager to jump into the conversation.  Dating really is everyone's favorite subject (with the exception of a few, I'm sure), and it's always fun to throw our ideas around the table.  So the next few blog posts will, yes, be about...dun dun DUN, dating! Yay! Or, rather, relationships (because I know the definition of dating is rather different in many circles).  

Relationships really aren't easy.  I remember growing up, I would dream of what my relationship with my boyfriend would be like, and it always looked perfect and easy, never fighting, always getting along, always laughing.  I look back on my 12 year old picture of a relationship and can't help but smile.  I didn't have a clue!  

Relationships have the ability to point out flaws in ourselves that we never saw before.  Because we're dealing with another person, with entirely different life experiences, different views of the world, different values, maybe even different beliefs - all of this challenges us.  Sharing life with that person can be the most fulfilling thing, and can also be incredibly difficult.  Things you never thought you struggled with start to become a problem in your life.  

I'll give you some examples in Daniel and I's relationship.  I thought that I was a pretty healthy person, got most of my problems under control, and was ready to give to another person in a relationship.  I can tell you, relationships are NOT for the selfish.  If you have a problem with selfishness, you better face that problem first, because trust me, the relationship won't hold up under that.  Relationships are about giving AND receiving. Not just me me me.  A relationship is two people.  The foundation of the relationship can't be "what can I get out if this; what will make me feel good?", but has to be "what can I give; what can I do for YOU?".  When I had to face the fact that it wasn't all about me anymore, that was kind of hard.  Loving selflessly, however, was and is the best lesson I've had to learn.  It's so much more fulfilling. :) (Side note to those who like to pick-apart my words, I am not saying that you have to conquer selfishness entirely, because I know you will of course have selfish moments.  What I'm talking about here is living your relationship based on a selfish motive. These are two different things.)

Pride.  Another big one.  I really never thought I had a problem with this one.  Ha!  But when you're in the middle of a heated discussion, and that "I'm right" spirit creeps in...oops! Got some pride issues I need to take care of.  This isn't an issue easily solved, either.  This one still comes to get me and Daniel both.  The key is to surrender my need to be right, to protect the relationship.  Is my need to be right more important than my love for Daniel? Yikes.  It honestly, really is that simple.  But you would be surprised how hard it is in the moment to say "Ok. I'm giving up my right to be right, because I love you". 

Jealousy. Now, I think jealousy is ok in some instances, (the Bible says that God is a jealous God), but letting it take over you and rule your emotions is never a good thing.  I remember the first time I got really jealous with Daniel.  Jealousy was my motivation to message him and "check" on him and who he was with, instead of love being my motivation.  When something takes the place of love in your heart, emotions and motivations, it might as well be taking the place of God, because God is love.  I've had to "check myself before I wreck myself" countless times.

Since I started dating Daniel back in November, my life has become so much more fulfilling because I get to share in the adventure with him.  It has also become so much more complicated and difficult because I have had to face myself and real issues I have that have been hiding underneath the surface, just waiting.

I can easily say that Daniel brings out the very best in me and makes me feel like a good person, but I would be lying if I said that I felt like that all of the time. The truth is, relationships usually aren't that easy, because we all have problems rooted in our insecurities; and insecurities are bound to show themselves in any relationship with a human being, but especially in an intimate relationship with someone who could possibly be your spouse (problems are rooted in insecurities; insecurities in fear).  The great news is, if you face those problems when they arise, you will become a healthier person and the trust in the relationship will grow with every issue you solve. 

I know a lot of people who believe that if you are fighting a lot, or you start to see sides of yourself that you don't like, then that person just "isn't the right one" for you.  We all want to feel like we are good people, and that our relationship is healthy and strong, and that we are a better person when we are with that one (all of this can be achieved if you face the problems together).  We want to feel like they are bringing the best out in us.  But that's not their job! That's our job.

We are not perfect, and it is impossible to find a perfect relationship where you feel like rainbows and sunshine all the time.  The deal is to take ownership of your issues, and if you can (and if that person invites you to), you help the other person through their problems and let them know that you love them through the process.

Everything I'm saying comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  I know some people get tired of seeing this verse. Like, come on, there are a million verses in the Bible about love, why THAT ONE, again?  Well, Daniel and I make our goal to live our life according to those verses.  It really shows you, simply, what love is supposed to be like.  And honestly, on some days, I know I'm not loving Daniel at ALL, I'm serving myself.  So I need to meditate on the scripture more.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Everything I strive to do, or change in my relationship with Daniel, is right there in those verses. And I've learned, just because I love someone, doesn't mean I always act like it.  But I want to; that's my goal.

So I guess what I'm saying from all of this is simple: just because a relationship isn't perfect and isn't always happy-go-lucky-fun-times, doesn't mean that you weren't both perfectly matched.  You just lived different lives before you met, and it takes a little while to get in sync (in my opinion).  

One last thing before I end.  I do understand that there are some unhealthy relationships, and that fighting is not always healthy.  The difference is, when the fighting does not result in change/compromise/building of trust, and when it does.  It depends on how much of yourself you are willing to give, and if you're really ready to lay it all down.  Because last time I checked, Jesus was willing to sacrifice it all for me, why would He expect anything less from me in my relationship with Him and the one who could be my future husband? Just a thought. :)