Relationships: Sometimes it's not all peaches and cream

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow, fall in order to know, lose in order to gain. And sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again."

Before I write this, I want to give a disclaimer. I am not a woman who has been married for 23+ years with 6 children (like my parents), and I am not a woman who has been in countless relationships with a broken heart.  I am not an 80 year old woman who has loved and lost, either.  I am a 21 year old woman who has only had one boyfriend (which happened about 5 months ago), with some crazy ideas about marriage and dating.  I have run into a LOT of people who tell me I am not qualified to speak on the subject of dating, or relationships, because I "don't have enough experience".  And while I believe they could be right in some respect, they are not right entirely.  Sometimes you can learn from other people's mistakes, gain wisdom from the Father above about something you don't understand, and you can even give advice when you've never been through that situation.  Also, my 5 month experience with my boyfriend Daniel, although through the world's eyes it doesn't look like such a long time, has really given me a lot of insight into this funky love stuff.

Dating is my favorite subject to talk about.  It always has been.  And I've found that when I talk about it, there are always ears eager to hear, and mouths eager to jump into the conversation.  Dating really is everyone's favorite subject (with the exception of a few, I'm sure), and it's always fun to throw our ideas around the table.  So the next few blog posts will, yes, be about...dun dun DUN, dating! Yay! Or, rather, relationships (because I know the definition of dating is rather different in many circles).  

Relationships really aren't easy.  I remember growing up, I would dream of what my relationship with my boyfriend would be like, and it always looked perfect and easy, never fighting, always getting along, always laughing.  I look back on my 12 year old picture of a relationship and can't help but smile.  I didn't have a clue!  

Relationships have the ability to point out flaws in ourselves that we never saw before.  Because we're dealing with another person, with entirely different life experiences, different views of the world, different values, maybe even different beliefs - all of this challenges us.  Sharing life with that person can be the most fulfilling thing, and can also be incredibly difficult.  Things you never thought you struggled with start to become a problem in your life.  

I'll give you some examples in Daniel and I's relationship.  I thought that I was a pretty healthy person, got most of my problems under control, and was ready to give to another person in a relationship.  I can tell you, relationships are NOT for the selfish.  If you have a problem with selfishness, you better face that problem first, because trust me, the relationship won't hold up under that.  Relationships are about giving AND receiving. Not just me me me.  A relationship is two people.  The foundation of the relationship can't be "what can I get out if this; what will make me feel good?", but has to be "what can I give; what can I do for YOU?".  When I had to face the fact that it wasn't all about me anymore, that was kind of hard.  Loving selflessly, however, was and is the best lesson I've had to learn.  It's so much more fulfilling. :) (Side note to those who like to pick-apart my words, I am not saying that you have to conquer selfishness entirely, because I know you will of course have selfish moments.  What I'm talking about here is living your relationship based on a selfish motive. These are two different things.)

Pride.  Another big one.  I really never thought I had a problem with this one.  Ha!  But when you're in the middle of a heated discussion, and that "I'm right" spirit creeps in...oops! Got some pride issues I need to take care of.  This isn't an issue easily solved, either.  This one still comes to get me and Daniel both.  The key is to surrender my need to be right, to protect the relationship.  Is my need to be right more important than my love for Daniel? Yikes.  It honestly, really is that simple.  But you would be surprised how hard it is in the moment to say "Ok. I'm giving up my right to be right, because I love you". 

Jealousy. Now, I think jealousy is ok in some instances, (the Bible says that God is a jealous God), but letting it take over you and rule your emotions is never a good thing.  I remember the first time I got really jealous with Daniel.  Jealousy was my motivation to message him and "check" on him and who he was with, instead of love being my motivation.  When something takes the place of love in your heart, emotions and motivations, it might as well be taking the place of God, because God is love.  I've had to "check myself before I wreck myself" countless times.

Since I started dating Daniel back in November, my life has become so much more fulfilling because I get to share in the adventure with him.  It has also become so much more complicated and difficult because I have had to face myself and real issues I have that have been hiding underneath the surface, just waiting.

I can easily say that Daniel brings out the very best in me and makes me feel like a good person, but I would be lying if I said that I felt like that all of the time. The truth is, relationships usually aren't that easy, because we all have problems rooted in our insecurities; and insecurities are bound to show themselves in any relationship with a human being, but especially in an intimate relationship with someone who could possibly be your spouse (problems are rooted in insecurities; insecurities in fear).  The great news is, if you face those problems when they arise, you will become a healthier person and the trust in the relationship will grow with every issue you solve. 

I know a lot of people who believe that if you are fighting a lot, or you start to see sides of yourself that you don't like, then that person just "isn't the right one" for you.  We all want to feel like we are good people, and that our relationship is healthy and strong, and that we are a better person when we are with that one (all of this can be achieved if you face the problems together).  We want to feel like they are bringing the best out in us.  But that's not their job! That's our job.

We are not perfect, and it is impossible to find a perfect relationship where you feel like rainbows and sunshine all the time.  The deal is to take ownership of your issues, and if you can (and if that person invites you to), you help the other person through their problems and let them know that you love them through the process.

Everything I'm saying comes from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  I know some people get tired of seeing this verse. Like, come on, there are a million verses in the Bible about love, why THAT ONE, again?  Well, Daniel and I make our goal to live our life according to those verses.  It really shows you, simply, what love is supposed to be like.  And honestly, on some days, I know I'm not loving Daniel at ALL, I'm serving myself.  So I need to meditate on the scripture more.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Everything I strive to do, or change in my relationship with Daniel, is right there in those verses. And I've learned, just because I love someone, doesn't mean I always act like it.  But I want to; that's my goal.

So I guess what I'm saying from all of this is simple: just because a relationship isn't perfect and isn't always happy-go-lucky-fun-times, doesn't mean that you weren't both perfectly matched.  You just lived different lives before you met, and it takes a little while to get in sync (in my opinion).  

One last thing before I end.  I do understand that there are some unhealthy relationships, and that fighting is not always healthy.  The difference is, when the fighting does not result in change/compromise/building of trust, and when it does.  It depends on how much of yourself you are willing to give, and if you're really ready to lay it all down.  Because last time I checked, Jesus was willing to sacrifice it all for me, why would He expect anything less from me in my relationship with Him and the one who could be my future husband? Just a thought. :)