To Be Without

I always thought my faith in God was strong. That is, until my brother died. It's not like I stopped believing in Him or something, I simply found it hard to believe in His goodness. The first couple of days after it happened, I asked "why?" I asked Him why He let this happen. I didn't feel Him close like I always had before, and I was stuck in silence, feeling alone. So I drifted.

I drifted away, farther and farther as the days went by. I had moments of knowing He was there. I started going to a fabulous church and felt convicted every time I was there, because I hadn't opened my Bible since Jonathan died. I cried every time the music played because I know from experience what God's presence feels like, and I missed it in my daily life.

I still would go home and refuse to open my Bible. It wasn't until almost a year later that I agreed to go to Bible study with some of my best friends, and I read the Bible, like actually read more than 1 passage, and talked about God and what we read, for the first time since the incident.

I still went home with a hard heart. I guess over the first year, my heart grew cold toward God. I just stopped, cold turkey, in my communion with Him, and became the worst version of myself. After some time, I felt Him slowly nudging me to return, through Godly friends who loved me through the hardest year of my life. God showed me unconditional love through them. 

There were moments when I would think of Him and miss Him. Moments I would wonder if He missed me too. I wasn't happy when I wasn't with Him. So I went a whole year in unhappiness because of my hard heart.

Last month was the one year mark since Jonny passed. I remember lying in my bed, alone, and thinking back to what life was like a year before. And for the first time in a year, I spoke to Him. I stopped ignoring Him, and I told Him "I want to come back. Please let me come back."

The whole year that I went without speaking to Him, I knew in my heart He was good. I knew He loved me and always took care of me. But I also knew, that if He is good and almighty, I would have to face that question again - "why?" I thought it was easier to just not speak to Him than it was to find out the answer to that question.

I don't know the answer yet, and I'm not sure I ever will. But I know He loves Jonathan. And He loves me. So why am I afraid? 

I'm back to the beginning. I have to rebuild my prayer closet, because I tore it down every time He looked at me and I ignored Him. But grace will help me rebuild it, and hopefully there will be joy again.