All my heads are tails
She's got teary eyes
I've got reasons why
I'm losing ground and gaining speed
I've lost myself or most of me
I'm headed for the final precipice
But you haven't lost me yet
No, you haven't lost me yet
I'll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven't lost me yet
These days pass me by
I dream with open eyes
Nightmares haunt my days
Visions blur my nights
I'm so confused
What's true of false
What's fact or fiction after all
I feel like I'm an apparition's pet
But you haven't lost me yet
No you haven't lost me yet
I'll run until my heart caves in
No, you haven't lost me yet
If it doesn't break your heart
It isn't love
If it doesn't break your heart
It's not enough
It's when you're breaking down
With your insides coming out
That's when you find out what your heart is made of.
-Yet, by Switchfoot
With it being a new season and all, I thought it a good idea to reflect on 2010. For me, last year was wonderful and terrible, spiritually exciting and exhausting, enlightening and terrifying. My eyes were opened to a lot of things. I was finishing up my school year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in California, which was probably the best year of my life! In school I found a peace that I had never had and a love that I will never give up. I found certain parts in me that I didn't know existed, and let a lot of people in. School was the exciting part of my year.
After school was over, I went back to live with my folks in Florida. It was such a drastic (in every sense of the word) difference in atmosphere that it caught me by surprise. If you have read any of my posts since being back in Florida, you know how difficult it was for me. I found it extremely tiring just trying to "find" the presence of God. This, to me, was the most sad thing to ever happen to me! I had never had trouble getting into His presence, and I had never let the atmosphere determine how much of God I was going to have. Then all of a sudden, it was like I hit a brick wall! I began to wonder what it was holding me back (other than my knowledge of the atmosphere I was in).
I did end up tackling this, and now I have no problem getting into His glory. It was a difficult process though. I had to grasp the knowledge I had attained at Bethel; that I am a daughter of my heavenly Father and I have full access to Him. Once I really let that penetrate me again, I had zero problems in that area. After I jumped that wall, I started unlocking more truth about myself and about Jesus. I started re-entering into that secret place and learning new things. I started to dream again.
In the middle of my whole "getting into the presence" problem, I was also struggling with my dreams. One of my biggest dreams is to get married and have children. I started questioning that desire; whether I really needed it, whether I really wanted it, and whether God really wanted it for me. I went through some emotionally hard things (but things, I realize now, I needed to go through), and things that shattered my idea of romance. After I "got through" that, I started re-evaluating that desire. And now, after everything is over, that desire burns even brighter in me, and I am now convinced more than ever that it is a legit desire!
That brings us into this year. I am starting to see where God is going to be placing me, where my heart longs to be, and what I gravitate towards. He is showing me who I am in Him, and what my desires are (again). I am starting to get that vision for my life back, and it's honestly so much more different. That process I went through last year, though it was difficult, did a lot for me. I realized a lot of scars and insecurities I had, and Jesus was able to help me see and fix those. Now, my dreams are "crazier" and "out there", but also more put together. Jesus and I are aiming for those goals, and we'll get there! I can just feel this year is going to be the "dreams come true" year for us!
