My Heart

When I set out to write this blog, I wrote 6 paragraphs. I ended up erasing all of it. The truth is, I'm not who you think I am. No excuses. I'm just not what the world sees me as. You see someone who is not afraid to step out or use her humor in conversation. Someone who isn't afraid of being turned down, or sometimes doesn't have feelings at all. You see someone who never feels exposed, or hurt, or misused. You see someone strong who can give advice and take advice well. You see someone who isn't afraid of awkward moments, or even someone who enjoys bringing awkward moments. You see someone with an opinion on everything, who enjoys insulting people and using sarcasm to make herself feel better.

That...is not me. I'm more afraid to step out than most people I know. I'm not sure how I perfected the art of masking it so it looks like I never fear that. It's not like I fear it all the time. In the prophetic, or prayer, I very rarely fear stepping out. But in normal conversation, or intimate times with friends, I fear it most. Or should I say feared it. Papa is dealing with my fear. My fear of intimacy with people. I long, more than anything, to be married. But inside I also fear it more than anything. Being so close to someone. So close to just one person. Someone who will know all of your problems, and your flaws. The person who could potentially hurt you the most. You see, I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of showing someone I love them so much, and then them turning around and bolting. Pain is a part of life. I'm slowly learning this. But the idea of being hurt by the one person you love the most...I don't know whether I could "work through the pain". That's foreign to me. I'm used to putting on a face. Putting on that person who doesn't have a care in the world. Putting on that smile everyone says they love so much. But when it gets down to it, I just want to cry on someone's shoulder.

I want so badly to have that relationship that no man can break. That love that no man can fathom. A love so strong that the devil himself hates us for it. But I've been too afraid. That's why I always say that a man who wants my heart has to earn it. Not because I think he has to work for my love, or I think that's "the right thing to do"...it's because I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to throw myself into a relationship; love someone, and not have it returned. So I say "You have to earn it." Which is code for: "Show me you love me first, then I'll love you back." That's not even real love at all. So Papa took my fear...He took it away. I can't hide in that fear anymore. It doesn't protect me. It never really did a good job of keeping my heart, anyway. So I've returned to my Papa's lap where I can learn how to receive and how to give love again. That person I was so afraid of showing the world has no other choice but to come out of it's hiding place. Sarah Eve. The real me. The real girl I never felt I could show anyone. I feel like an open book...so vulnerable. It doesn't feel comfortable, but it feels right.

I'm in a place now where I can cry. For so long I felt I couldn't cry. It would show way too many people that soft side of me. And I learned as a child that that soft side of me never got what she wanted...that side of me was never accepted. Or so I thought. Papa was saying all the while, "come to Me." I just didn't hear Him. I was too afraid of what the world could see. So this part of me that has been hiding - it's not anymore. And if people don't love me for me...I'll be okay. Because I know Papa loves me for me. He made me. I am free to be - anything. But I'll choose to be me.