Victoria.

When I heard about her death it hit me. At first, I just sat there. I couldn't believe she died. I was truly believing for her healing all this time. I told myself, "Don't cry, Sarah". Even though I wasn't as involved in her life as others were, I remember her and her wonderful smile. She was beautiful. I love her. So I held it in for a time. Conveniently, I was scheduled for church service. So I went to church, tried my best to hide my sadness, and tried my hardest to put on a smile. I know myself well. If I talk about it, I will cry. There's just no getting around it. When I talk about it, I think of the person...and I can't not cry. I don't know why God gave me the heart He gave me. But it truly goes out to people. I was thinking of her, her family, her close friends. Everything was weighing on me.

My sadness wasn't hidden for long. People could tell. A good friend asked if I was okay. I wasn't going to lie. So I said no. Naturally, I ended up telling him why. He hugged me, and another friend hugged me. In that moment I wanted to break down. I wanted to sob on someones shoulder. But I still held it back. I didn't want to show my "weakness". Through those two hugs, though, it opened something up in my heart. I knew I needed to be comforted.

I went to find a seat and another good friend asked me if I was okay. I took her aside and told her what happened to Victoria. She was sorry for me, gave me a hug and asked if she could pray with me. A group of friends gathered around to pray with me. Still, I didn't cry. Trust me, I was definitely on the verge of major tears. But I still held it back. I knew if I started crying I might not be able to stop. Papa made me heart so tender; something like this just pierces me deep. So I waited. When worship started I had a hard time connecting. It seemed like every song was an invitation for me to enter into something amazing with Papa. But during the first song, I kept away. I didn't know if it was okay to do that after hearing such horrible news. I didn't know if it was okay for me to worship; or if I was even capable. My friend picked up on this, I'm sure. He came over and told me that Victoria was okay. She's in a better place, and she's happy. He told me I needed to praise God through the pain. This may be my only chance to praise God in the midst of all of this. I knew I needed to.

These lyrics were sung next:

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
-The Desert Song by Brooke Fraser

I fell a part. I sobbed uncontrollably. I knew that in everything He was still God, and He was still right there beside me. I knew my friend was right. I needed to praise Him even in my pain...especially in my pain. Papa knows what He's doing. He has a plan. So for all of worship, I poured my heart out. I cried. There were so many things going through my head, and I needed to just let go. So I did. In those moments I never felt any safer. I felt like I was being held in Papa's arms. And I felt like He was holding Victoria's family as well.