The Worst Year of My Life

Where do I begin? I guess I should start at the beginning of the year. Things were going really well. I was doing the ketogenic diet and feeling the best I’ve ever felt in my adult life. I had a great job with Chick-Fil-A corporate as a traveling Trainer, and we had just gotten our first apartment together since we got married. Life was pretty great. Now, as some of you know, Daniel and I had tried to have kids for several years and had been totally unsuccessful with no real answers as to why. Last year around this time I decided to stop focusing on that and simply focus on myself. So even that wasn’t a big deal.

Well in January I found out I was pregnant and lost the baby within the first month. That sent me into a deep depression. Miscarriage has always been my biggest fear and I never could imagine how I’d ever get through that if it happened to me, and then it did. I felt like a piece of me died with the baby. I only told a handful of people, and had (still do have) a very hard time vocalizing it at all. I didn’t want to talk about it or admit it. I felt shame and heartbreak and extreme loss. I don’t feel I ever fully recovered from it. That was the beginning of my downward spiral.

The following months were a blur, honestly. I stopped losing weight and fluctuated between a week of eating right and being in relatively good spirits, to eating terribly and feeling utterly depressed. The only positive thing in my life at that time was my job. I had left Chick-Fil-A and started as a nanny. That actually helped me keep my mind off of the fact that I myself am not a mother, and I was able to pour myself into the beautiful boy I nanny. However, it didn’t help me deal with my emotions surrounding the whole ordeal, therefore they are still not dealt with and have just continued to build up.

Fast forward to July. I had an “unusual period”, which turned out to be another miscarriage. After that, I think I resigned in my mind to never have kids. Something inside of me said “don’t ever try again, you’re not meant to be a mother.” I was completely broken, but tried my best to keep myself together. I poured myself into my job, and helping others through their problems, all the while my own issues have been festering under the surface.

I stopped doing everything I loved to do. Writing, singing and song writing, bullet journaling, fitness and good diet, hanging out with friends, etc. Nothing seemed important anymore. Instead I started an unhealthy disassociation from reality. I would allow hours to pass while I mindlessly did something that didn’t matter, while letting everything that did matter pile up in the background. Bills needed paying? I’ll get to it later. Dishes needed washing? Not important. Sleep? Nah. I started going to see tons of movies because I could disengage with life and engage the screen and whatever storyline was playing out.

This has continued but gotten worse. Now I don’t even engage with people I love. People text and call me and leave voicemails and I don’t respond. I know if I do, I’ll either have to lie and say “I’m fine” or I’ll have to tell them the truth. The truth hurts way too much. I feel like I got sucked into a black hole and I can’t find my way out. Some days I am so overcome with emotion that I can’t function, and other days I am desensitized to everything. I literally don’t know who I am anymore or what I want. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror, and that’s the scariest thing. I hate being a burden to those I love, and sometimes I feel life would be better without me in it. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill myself, but sometimes I feel like a wasted energy in this world; like I’m taking up too much space.

I don’t like asking for help, which may be why it’s taken me this long to say anything. But I need help. I don’t feel like I can even hold the weight of existing alone anymore. It’s heavy and it hurts and I don’t know what to do. At this very moment I’m contemplating erasing all of this and just staying in my black hole. It’s embarrassing to be this weak.

I had something of an emotional or mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to exist anymore, and I had a sudden fear that maybe I’m actually going crazy. Maybe I have a mental problem and I should check into a hospital. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not myself and I don’t even slightly know how to find her again. I’m crying now, cause I miss the old me. She was happy, despite the many problems. I’m not even a shadow of her anymore. I feel like maybe she’s gone forever and I’ll have to contend with what’s left, and I really don’t know if I have the strength for it much longer.

For those wondering “what the heck, I had no idea it was this bad.” Don’t feel bad. I’m really really good at hiding now. I have a mask that I wear when I leave my house so that no one will know how empty I really am, or the scars and the tears. I just don’t want to be a burden in anyone’s life. I know everyone goes through their own issues, and I don’t want to add mine to the pile. But I need some real help, and honestly I need to know that I’m not alone, because I’ve never felt this alone in my entire life. I am considering seeking out some professional help, like a therapist. My problem right now is that I just don’t know what to do with myself and how to get back what I’ve lost.

In truth, the last few years haven’t been a cake walk. I know I opened up this blog post talking about how great last year was, and the last few months of the year were better than the last theee years. However, ever since Jonathan passed away, I just haven’t been the same. Things have changed so much, and I suppose what I truly long for is some stability and peace. I feel like things are just always changing, and not for the best. I always end every year with a hopeful joy that the next year will be better, and it just hasn’t been that way.

Someone once told me, once you’ve experienced a deep sadness or grief, whenever you go through something challenging, it can bring those feelings up to the surface and almost mimic that grief. That’s what it has felt like over the last 3 years. That pain and sadness I felt when Jonathan passed away, I felt it 10 times over twice more this year with my miscarriages. I feel a similar feeling when I lose friends or a job or a dream. It all just feels like a jumbled mess in my mind. I hope I can figure it out, because I can’t imagine living the rest of my life experiencing that grief and loss over and over.