It’s That Time of Year Again....

Y’all, it’s been a hot minute since I wrote. Life is just so different now. Nothing is the same anymore. I can recall a time in my life when writing was the center of my universe. My journal was the place I went to free my thoughts and become self aware and encourage myself to keep going, no matter the struggle. That time in my life feels so far away, yet so attainable even now.

It’s the small decisions I’ve made, like not writing, that have made huge impacts in my life. It was hard for me to be self aware after Jonathan passed away, because that meant that I would have to face the fact that I was mad at God. I didn’t want to be, so I pretended like I wasn’t. I just stopped writing because I couldn’t write if it wasn’t the truth, but the truth was too painful to write. I couldn’t read my Bible for the same reason. It was just too painful.

It’s been 2 and a half years since he passed away, and although I’m not in the same place I was that first year, it is still a struggle for me to read the Bible continuously, and I don’t write anymore. I have a Bullet Journal, but that’s mostly an outlet for my creativity and it helps me plan my days, weeks and months. I don’t use it to write anything personal (except for my gratitude log). Anyone who knew me when I was a teenager or young adult, would be shocked to find out how little I write and read these days.

In those days, you would never have seen me without a journal, a pen and a book. I was self aware and hopeful to learn about the world and the past. Hopeful. I don’t even know the meaning of that word anymore. It isn’t apart of my daily vocabulary. That’s not to say that I am stuck in some depressed hole. Life is getting better! I am trying to better my health and I’ve lost 25 pounds, and I think this next year is going to be a good one. I don’t want this post to make everyone think I live a terrible life. I don’t. There are many many things I wish I could change, and some things I do regret, but life goes on and I think it will get better.

But.

There always is a but isn’t there?

I came here to share some real truths with y’all. Amidst the “life will get better”, there are some real hurts that I’m working through. Lies that I have believed for a long time, that always feel so true at this time of the year.

My husband and I just shared our 4 year wedding anniversary. 4 years really isn’t that long when you look at the grand scheme of life and how many years the typical person lives. We could, respectively, share 50-70 more years together (I hope and pray). What is 4 years compared to that? A tiny drop in the ocean.

And yet.

It feels like forever. Before I ever met Daniel I knew I wanted to be a mom. When we got married I thought it would happen immediately. It didn’t. 4 years later, and I’m not sure how to feel. There are many explanations, and it could be a simple fix, but it doesn’t take away the feeling of inadequacy.

This time of year used to be my favorite. Christmas time is just so magical (and it still is, in a different way). But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it’s slightly tainted. You see, for the past 3 years I have hoped that I would get pregnant around this time so that I could surprise Daniel and the rest of my family with the best Christmas news! “We’re pregnant”! Can you imagine the joy on that Christmas morning? Honestly, I’m crying just thinking about it now.

But every year it turns out to be a pipe dream. It isn’t real. Every December when that dreaded period shows up, I feel that loss and deep sadness. I feel it every month at the same time, but December is different. I realize that it’s been another year without the dream being fulfilled and without the joy and hope of bringing a child into this world.

It’s not just because I WANT a child. I do, of course. But you have to really know my husband to understand: he would be the most amazing father. I can’t inagine anyone being a better father than him. Together I think we would raise amazing children. Enlightened, loving and thoughtful children. And I just know that they would be talented beyond belief! We would help the world by providing such amazing children to help bring along change, I just know it.

But. Here we are. Once again. It’s that time of year, and although I have my beautiful family and wonderful husband, I feel a tiny emptiness. Something tugging at me. I wish it would stop, because it hurts so much. But I never want it to stop, either. Because I’m supposed to be a mother and Daniel is supposed to be a father, and if we have to struggle for years and years, I’ll do it. Because I never want to stop wanting children.

So merry Christmas, friends! Who knows? Maybe next year will be our year!