Losing Everything - Gaining Everything

I've lost more in the last 4 months than I have in my entire life. But I've gained so much more as well. My life has consisted of doing the normal routine everyday. I broke free from that to move to California and give everything I had to Papa. But it seems I've lost so much that I had. I know I can trust Jesus with my everything...but it's hard. It's especially hard to be away from the ones you love when you and them are going through your hardest trials yet. I have never had to suffer through the loss of a loved one until a year ago. And now it seems I've lost many in the past 3 months.

People mean so much to me. Even if I don't know them, I cry for them. The other day my mom called to tell me that my aunts mother died. She was a grandma to us. I didn't cry. I didn't even feel sadness. Until today. It came like a flood, overwhelming me inside. Losing something so precious as a life...it's hard. But I know - I know God will take care of my loved ones. He's holding their hands when I can't be there for them. He's leading them to a better place. Trials are hard to face. And I've certainly had plenty in the last 4 months. But God is holding my hand, too. He's telling me it will be okay. I can cry. I can feel sadness for people. It's okay. He said, "just don't pull away from Me." So I don't intend to. I'll stay beside Him, even now, when I've lost another loved one. Because, I know, we'll all be together in the end.

I feel like that picture above. It's raining, and I can choose to retreat inside and put up my walls to protect me. Or I can take my walls down, get my umbrella out, and walk in the rain. Who knows, it could even turn into dancing. I have to work through the pain, not run away from it. And I can't shut out the One who always loves me - in and out of everything. I don't want Him to have to work around my walls - I want Him to have free access to my heart. And so He does. He has my heart. He knows my suffering, and out of this I will become even stronger. Out of yet another loss, I will be even closer to Him.

Even though I have lost much, and it becomes easy to dwell on that, I know I have gained much. I have become so close to my Papa's heart. I have learned to lean on Him when things get too hard. I've learned that He should never have to work around my walls. I've learned to be open, inviting, loving, sweet, and tender. I've found a new love. And it's better than anything.